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"Garage Tales"
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"Desserted"

Green's house, backyard

(Episode title appears on the garage vane; Cricket comes out the back door holding a crate of carrots.)

Cricket: Phoenix! Where are you, girl? (sees her behind him) Oh, there y'are! My trusty, rusty, kinda crusty puppy dog ol' pal!

(The rest of the Greens are loading vegetables into the Kludge.)

Cricket: We're loadin' up to head to the Farmer's Market for the day. So we're leavin' you in charge to protect our home... (pets her) Because you're such a good girl! Yes you are! Who's a good girl? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! (voice devolves into gibberish) ...blah-blah! Blah-blah-blah-blah... (continues under)

Phoenix: (speaking articulately in a British accent) Yes, he's a good boy. He's a very good boy! I will protect the good boy's house! Oh...that's the spot.

Bill: Blah-blah! Blah-blah-blah-blah?

Gramma: Blah-blah-blah-blah!

Tilly: Mmm...blah.

Cricket: Blah-blah-blah!

(The Kludge drives away.)

Phoenix: Ride on, kind humans! Your kingdom is in good hands.

(The animals all stop what they're doing; they too speak articulately.)

Marjorie: Wait, the humans are gone?

Miss Brenda: The humans are gone?

Chickens: THE HUMANS ARE GONE!!

(Panicking noises are heard.)

Phoenix: What?

(The animals begin to freak out.)

Phoenix: Everyone, calm down! The humans will return! This has happened before.

Chick: I don't wemember dat!

Phoenix: That's because you just hatched yesterday.

Chick: (beaming) That's true.

Phoenix: Loyal subjects! As your queen, I will make sure you all remain safe and sound -- with help from my trusted advisor, Dirtbag.

(Whip pans to Dirtbag fast asleep on the feed sacks.)

Dirtbag: Present.

Phoenix: I promise we can make it through this!

Animals: Oh, yeah! Oh, thank you, Queen Phoenix!

(From a haystack not far, Cogburn watches them enviously.)

Cogburn: (speaking in an old English accent) Oh... "All hail Queen Phoenix!" Ha! They're all a bunch of sheep, especially the sheep! (paces) Always following that old dog...it's the same thing day after day after day -- oh, what I'd give for a change of pace!

He notices the back door is left ajar.)

Inside, dining room

(Cogburn peeks into the door and stares inside.)

Cogburn: Well, cock-a-doodle-doo.

Outside, backyard

Phoenix: Ah! Order is restored.

Dirtbag: Yeah, and because of that, I'm gonna punch out and take the rest of the day off.

(He bumps into Phoenix.)

Phoenix: Dirtbag, you are always trying to wiggle out of your responsibilities. Can I count on you while the humans are away? (foreboding) Strange things can happen in their absence...

Dirtbag: (retching, coughs up a dirt ball) Wow, look at the size of that thing! (off Phoenix's look) U-u-um, I'm sorry, were you saying something?

Cogburn: ATTENTION, FELLOW FARM ANIMALS! OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS! IF YOU ARE (clucks) BOLD ENOUGH TO SEIZE IT!

Phoenix: Cogburn! What are you talking about?

Cogburn: See for yourself.

(shot of the open door)

Phoenix: The door?

The other animals: The door?

Cogburn: Yes, the dumb little boy left it open! And what are we going to do with the open door?!

Melissa: Shut it.

Cogburn: No, you idiot... We go inside it!

The other animals: Oh....

Phoenix: (running to the door) No! I forbid it! The humans insist we stay outside!

Cogburn: Easy for you to say. You get to go inside the house whenever you want!

(The other animals make sounds saying it's unfair)

Phoenix: These are the rules that the humans have made, because they know what's best for us.

(The other animals agree.)

Cogburn: OR, maybe they're keeping us from the good stuff! Inside the house there's table scraps, cozy pillows, and... (seems to love the idea of...) pie. (to the animals) I mean, inside the house, there are comforts beyond your wildest dreams.

(The animals seem interested; Cogburn now circles Phoenix)

Cogburn: Admit it. You've been holding out on us, oh "fair ruler." (kicks dust into Phoenix.) Or should I say... old and weak ruler??

The animals: Ooooooooooh!

Cogburn: Maybe it's time for a new kind of queen! Maybe it's time... for a king.

Marjorie: (pops up) But who's gonna be the king?

Cogburn: Me. I'm going to be king.

Farmer's Market

(Meanwhile, the Greens are doing business...)

Bill: (putting tomatoes on display) Settin' up my stand, doo-doo-doo—— (a tomato rolls off) Whoops!

(The tomato is catched by someone.)

Yellow man: Gotcha.

Bill: Hey, thanks, stranger! I like a man who knows the true value of good 'mater. What's your name, friend?

Yellow man: (face initially obscured by his hat) My name... well my name is Bill Green. (Looks up, unobscuring his face: he is very similar to Bill) Pleased to meet ya.

Bill: (Is now nervous and surprised) Bill... Green? But... that's my name!

Cricket: Wow... isn't that weird, Dad? (no response) Dad. (still nothing... now yelling) EARTH TO DAD!!!

(This startles Bill.)

Bill: I mean, uh hi, my name's... Also Bill Green!

Other Bill: Wh-what are the odds!

Bill: So... what do you do for a livin' Bill?

Other Bill: Oh, I'm a farmer!

(Real Bill is even more startled.)

Bill: (gritted teeth) How very nice! Isn't that nice son? (Grabs Cricket's right arm)

Cricket: Dad you're hurtin' me.

Other Bill: I'm across the aisle if you wanna come say hi. Well, I better get back to it. Goodbye, other Bill Green!

Bill: "Other Bill Green"?

Green's House, backyard

(Phoenix and Cogburn circle each other.)

Phoenix: Cogburn, I do not wish to fight you!

Cogburn: That's where you and I differ!

Cogburn and Phoenix: CHARGE!!

(A fight breaks out between Phoenix and Cogburn. After multiple kicks and bites, Cogburn decides to run circles around her; in the midst of this, Phoenix mistakenly bites her own tail.)

Phoenix: (tail in mouth) I've got him!

(The animals watching from nearby notice Phoenix's mistake and laugh at her.)

Cogburn: (kicks Phoenix away) You call this a ruler?!

(Phoenix lands upside-down, Cogburn lands on top of her and rips her collar off.)

Cogburn: Gah! (puts the collar on himself) All hail king Cogburn!!

Farm animals: (enthusiastically) All hail... (liking the sound of it) king Cogburn!

Cogburn: As my first decree, I say we go inside the house!

(The farm animals follow him to the door, cheering.)

Phoenix: (still upside-down) Not on my watch... (attempts to roll over and fails) Ugh... Give me a minute...

Farmer's Market

(An elderly woman is picking out a tomato from Bill's stand.)

Bill: Hey there. I'm Bill Green, of, uh, Green Family Farms. I'm the original one, that's me!

(This startles the old woman, causing her to back away.)

Bill: No, ma'am! Come back! Just... wanted to clarify.

Tilly: (rises from beneath the stand) Papa, what's wrong?

Cricket: (eating tomato) Dad met another Bill Green and it's freakin' him out.

Bill: It just feels weird. I— If there's two "Bill Green"s then what makes me special?

(Gramma is sitting on a nearby chair.)

Gramma: Who told me that you're special? Not me, that's for sure.

Cricket: Dad, it's not a big deal. Names are just names! It's not like you're the same person.

Tilly: Why don't we go see what makes the other Bill different?

Bill: Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Ma, watch the stand, please.

(They go on their way.)

Gramma: Hmm... Nah.

(She follows with them, then takes off her shades.)

Greens' house

Cogburn (OS): Come, my fellow subjects!

Kitchen

(Cogburn kicks open the door to the kitchen.)

Cogburn: It is time to claim what is rightfully ours!

(He leads the other animals in.)

Phoenix: My subjects, you must cease this madness!!!

Living room

(Miss Brenda enters the living room.)

Miss Brenda: Well, whoa. Nice and cozy.

(Show the TV with a host, whose speech is obsfucated.)

Host: Ba ba ba ba ba ba!

(Miss Brenda, Marjorie and Melissa are fascinated.)

Kitchen

(The chickens are making a mess.)

Melissa: Looking good. Looking good!

(Marjorie is using what she pulled out from the clothes basket.)

Bathroom

(Herbert rises, biting into a tub of toothpaste and head covered in soap bubbles. Miss Brenda is also on the toilet bowl, but her weight causes it to break.)

Living room

(The animals are tearing it apart.)

Phoenix: You are destroying the humans' home!! This is BAD animal behavior!!

(Melissa burps feathers.)

Melissa: Yeah, maybe, but I like it here.

(Miss Brenda has something that is held with clips stuck to her backside.)

Miss Brenda: Me too. It's different.

Marjorie: Yeah, it's fun! Why did you think we would not like this?

Chickens: (questioning her too) Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk?

Phoenix: NO! Wait! I-uh...

(And here is Cogburn.)

Cogburn: Yes! Your time is over, doggy!

The other animals: King! King! King!

(Phoenix is downtrodden; an era has come to an end.)

Cogburn: I deserve to rule. Let us away!

Marjorie: What are we going to do, King Cogburn?

Cogburn: To the kitchen, royal subjects. We're going to bake us a pie!

(His new subjects follow.)

The other animals: King! King! King! King!

Phoenix: No!!! Wait!... I...

Dirtbag: Heeeeey... silver linin'. I get my day off after all. (licks himself) Am I right?

(All Phoenix can do is walk away, downtrodden.)

Dirtbag: Huh.

Farmer's Market

Bill (VO): Oh, come on!

(The Greens make exclamations of surprise; they're at...)

Bill Green's Super Produce stand

(This stand is particularly high-tech compared to the ones adjacent. Cricket walks up to a banana display case and it automatically opens; a mechanical arm reaches out, holding a banana.)

Automated voice: Would you like to try, a zuccana?

Cricket: A zucchini and a banana?!?

(Bill backs up into an apricot display.)

Automated voice: Would you like to try, an apricorn?

Bill: A corn-apricot hybrid? Who would do such a thing to a vegetable?

(The Other Bill walks in.)

Other Bill: What was that, friend?

Bill: Um, I'm just wondering how a first-time Farmer's Market seller has such a sleek setup.

Other Bill: Well, I work for years in biotech, made a ton of money. I mean a ton

(Bill is nervous; upstaged.)

Bill: Uh-huh...

Other Bill: But one day, I realized, my true passion was farming. So, I started my own high-tech farm using only cutting-edge new techniques.

(While speaking, he sprays a plant that was in the process of growing with some engineered fertilizer, which makes it grow instaneously; it even grows tomatoes. Bill is floored by the technical achievement.)

Cricket: Wow, Dad, this guy is a financial success! See? You're nothin' like 'em!

(His smile turns to a frown as Bill grumpily walks off, feeling sad he's being upstaged.)

Bill: DANG IT!!!

Kitchen

(Miss Brenda serves Cogburn his long-due pie made of... lots of stuff. Even the leftovers, as shown by a fly.)

Cogburn: (satisfied) Oh, you've made your king very happy.

(He wolfs it down.)

Miss Brenda: Well, now that you got your pie, we're all gonna go back outside.

Cogburn: Bawk bawk bawk bawk... BACK... OUTSIDE?!?!?!?!?!!?!!?

Miss Brenda: Well, yeah, this place isn't really made for us. For one, (bites into the carpet; muffled due to full mouth) The grass in here tastes terrible!

Marjorie: Yeah, I want fresh air. And sunshine.

The chickens: We miss the coop!

Herbert: And its strange loud box...

(The TV is still playing that show.)

Herbert: Oh, I hate it so much...

Cogburn: You fools! You're too idiotic to realize this is paradise! We have everything we could possibly want here! More pie than you could eat, in a whole lifetime!

Marjorie: But... I don't care about pie.

The other animals: Me neither.

(The animals start for the back door...)

Miss Brenda: We just want to go back to where it's comfortable.

(...but Cogburn slams it shut.)

Cogburn: You're not going anywhere. You're all going to stay in here and make me pie after pie, until I've decided I had enough!!!!! Day after day until I decide that I'm full!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!??

(The other animals pensively follow.)

Cogburn: Good. Now get to baking.

(His subjects back away.)

(Montage of the animals trying to bake pies for Cogburn. First Miss Brenda opens the can of cherry pie filling...)

Chickens: Come out of there! Come on!

Marjorie: Baking pie is hard and I do not like it.

Herbert: I'm so sick o' makin' pies!

(He bites into the can, splattering the cherry filling all over the nearby chicken. Herbert starts to cry, then an offscreen voice soothes him...)

Dirtbag (OS): Mmm-hmm.

(On him, on top of the fridge.)

Dirtbag: Smells like freedom in here. O-Or maybe that's cherries.

Miss Brenda: Dirtbag! Please, you gotta help us!

Herbert: We hate Cogburn!

Chickens: Hate 'em!

Marjorie: Cogburn is very mean.

Dirtbag: Cogburn mean? Oh, I almost can't handle the shock! Should I go tell Queen Phoenix?

(The other animals tell him to do so.)

Dirtbag: (he goes on his way...) Okay! (...but stops) Oh, wait... Queen Phoenix isn't the queen anymore. I kinda remember a bunch'a folks stripping off her collar? Hmm, who did that?

Marjorie: We did that!

(The other animals sadly confess.)

Marjorie: Oh...

Dirtbag (OS): Anywho, (hops down the fridge) At least your new life, is as easy as pie. (laughs; walking away) I crack myself up...

Miss Brenda: Dirtbag, if you happen to see Phoenix, tell her we're sorry...

Dirtbag: I'll try to remember that.

Farmer's Market, nearby the other Bill's stand

(Bill stands before the Super Produce stand; watching his doppelganger sell his super produce to interested customers.)

Bill: Look at other Bill over there... He thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread! Well, guess what??! Not everybody likes bread!!!

Cricket: (chuckles) Dad, that's ridiculous.

Tilly: Everybody likes bread, Papa.

Cricket: So what if there's a farmer named Bill Green?!

Bill: It's just that the other Bill Green is younger, more handsome, richer... Probably got all those fingers, too... There's only one thing to do.

(He lowers his hat; now he's no-nonsense.)

Bill: I must challenge him for the name of Bill Green!!!

Living room

(Dirtbag hops onto the couch.)

Dirtbag: Uh... really?

(Phoenix's head is under the couch.)

Phoenix: (sighs) Perhaps, (sighs) perhaps I was wrong.

Dirtbag: Ah, come on now, don't talk like that...

Phoenix: I don't deserve to be queen...

Dirtbag: Well, what if I told you the animals were already starting to regret their choice?

Cogburn (OS): BOW DOWN TO THE LORD OF PIES!!!!!!!!!

Dirtbag: Aaand, what if I told you I made them awful and guilty about it? Now they realize how wrong they were.

(Phoenix sticks her head out the couch.)

Phoenix: Y-you... did that for me?

Dirtbag: Nah. Well I decided I don't need a day off after all. Now, whooooo's gonna get that rooster?

Phoenix: Me! I'm gonna get 'em -- (growls)

Dirtbag: Who's gonna get 'em?!

Phoenix: I'm gonna get 'em! I'M GONNA GET 'EM!!!

Dirtbag: Whoa-ho-ho! There she is.

(Phoenix is determined; barking.)

Dirtbag: ...Heh heh, okay, okay, you're kinda freaking me out.

Other Bill's stand

(Bill marches toward the stand.)

Bill: Listen up, other Bill Green! Big City ain't big enough for the both--

Other Bill: Ah, there we are, Bill. Oh, I'm so glad you're here 'cuz... well, I've been thinking about something all day, and I just need to tell you... how inspired I am by you.

Bill: Inspired? By me? I...I don't understand.

Other Bill: Yeah, you're doing what you love, and you're surrounded by a beautiful family.

(The other Greens are watching this.)

Gramma: "Beautiful"?

Other Bill: I spent years at a job that left me little time for anything else, and, well, I'm embarassed to say... you've got it all, Bill Green.

(Bill is touched, and happily goes back to his stall; he then grins.)

Customer: Hey, are you that Bill Green with all the super cool super fruits?

Bill: No. I'm the other Bill Green.

Customer: Oh, cool. I'll just take my money over there, then.

(And there goes the customer.)

Kitchen

(Cogburn has just eaten a lot of pie.)

Cogburn: Bring me... ooh, let me think. I know! More pie!

(Phoenix slams the door from the living room open.)

Phoenix: I think you've had enough.

Marjorie and the chickens: She's back!

(Cogburn steps forward.)

Cogburn: Back for more, eh?

Phoenix: As long as my tail still wags, I will fight for my subjects.

Dirtbag: And I'll be by her side.

Cogburn: Well, I suppose the reason you can't teach old dogs new tricks... (now charging towards them) IS BECAUSE THEY'RE DUMB!!!!!! YAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!

(He continues to charge towards them, but the animals block him before he can butt them away! He gasps in surprise; the animals have betrayed him.)

Cogburn: Wh...wha?!??!?!?!?!

Miss Brenda: This is for our just and wise ruler, Queen Phoenix!

(Phoenix stands determined; order about to be restored. Then the animals beat Cogburn up for his crimes.)

Cogburn: No no no, no no no no --

(Then he is squished by Miss Brenda. The animals cheer!)

Animals: All hail Queen Phoenix!

(Miss Brenda hands Phoenix back her rightful collar.)

Phoenix: Thank you, everyone. I promise to always have your best interests at heart. Now, let's go outside!

(As they head outside, the animals exclaim their satisfaction. But they encounter a roadblock: the door.)

Miss Brenda: The door! It's closed!

Marjorie: How do we open it?

Phoenix: I have an idea that just might work.

(She walks up to the doorknob... then begins barking at it. The door opens, and the animals gasp as it opens!)

Animals: She did it!

(By her owner.)

Cricket: Phoenix, I'm hoooooome! ...Whoa!

(He looks up to see the animals rush outside.)

Cricket: Phoenix! Who's a good girl? She's my good girl.

Bill (OS): OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

(He looks inside to see the others looking at the wrecked kitchen.)

Cogburn: Bawk-bawk...

Bill: What happened???????!


ve — Episode Transcripts —
Season 1 1. Space Chicken/Steak Night • 2. Cricket Versus/Blue Tater • 3. Swimming Fool/Tilly's Goat • 4. Cricketsitter/Backflip Bill • 5. Gramma's License/Bear Trapped • 6. Photo Op/Remy Rescue • 7. Gridlocked/Mama Bird • 8. Welcome Home/Raccooned • 9. Fill Bill/Critterball Crisis • 10. Parade Day/DIY Guys • 11. Gargoyle Gals/Supermarket Scandal • 12. Barry Cuda/Suite Retreat • 13. Family Legacy/Paint Misbehavin' • 14. Rated Cricket/Homeshare Hoedown • 15. Cricket's Shoes/Feud Fight • 16. Breaking News/Cyberbullies • 17. Tilly Tour/Dinner Party • 18. Coffee Quest/Phoenix Rises • 19. Blood Moon • 20. Big Deal/Forbidden Feline • 21. Uncaged • 22. Harvest Dinner/Winner Winner • 23. Night Bill/Cheap Snake • 24. Hiya Henry/People Watching • 25. Valentine's Dance/Green Streets • 26. Hurty Tooth/Sleepover Sisters • 27. Trailer Trouble/Mansion Madness • 28. Park Pandemonium/Cricket's Biscuits • 29. Skunked/Axin' Saxon • 30. Cricket's Place/Volunteer Tilly
Season 2 31. Cricket's Kapowie/Car Trouble • 32. Urban Legend/Wishing Well • 33. Elevator Action/Bad Influencer• 34. Green Christmas • 35. Reckoning Ball/Clubbed • 36. Impopstar/Football Camp • 37. Heat Beaters/Bill-iever• 38. Shark Objects/Dream Weaver • 39. Level Up/Wild Side • 40. Garage Tales/Animal Farm • 41. Desserted/The Gifted • 42. Time Crisis/Gramma Driver • 43. Tilly Style/I, Farmbot • 44. Friend Con/Flimflammed • 45. Greens' Acres/Dolled Up • 46. Gabriella's Fella/Cheap Show • 47. Green Mirror/Cricket's Tickets • 48. Times Circle/Super Gramma! • 49. Present Tense/Hurt Bike • 50. Quiet Please/Chipwrecked
Country Kids in the City Hog RideTea PartyThe Last DonutDuck SandwichBee TreeSecret CatTilly's Cats
Random Rings, Season 1 Cricket Calls a Karate SchoolCricket Calls a Party StoreCricket Calls a SpaCricket and Tilly Call a Piano TeacherCricket Calls a Grocery StoreTilly Calls a LibraryCricket Calls a Pawn ShopTilly Calls a HotelCricket Calls an AquariumCricket Calls a Pet StoreTilly and Cricket Call Raven Symoné!
Random Rings, Season 2 Telemarketer Calls the GreensGramma Calls an Electronics StoreDr. Doofenshmirtz Calls GrammaCricket and Tilly Call Dr. DoofenshmirtzTilly Calls the FutureCricket and Tilly Call Area 51Tilly Calls a Magician
Miss Tilly's Fun Time TV Minute Meg DonnellyTrevor TordjmanAriel MartinSiena AgudongShelby SimmonsThe Houghton BrothersIsrael JohnsonIzabela RoseMax the Goat
Misc. Big City Greens: Road Trip
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