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The following is a transcript for the episode, "Awful Lawful".
Smalton Historical Centre[]
Exterior[]
[The episode title is written as a small open/closed sign that is hung on the window of the Smalton Historical Centre.]
Cricket: [gasps] Look, y'all. A bunch of stuff from ancient times!
[Cricket, Tilly, Nancy and Remy look through the window of the Smalton Historical Centre and see a grand piano, which starts playing by itself!]
Cricket: Ah! Ghost piano! Call a priest!
[Frank walks over.]
Frank: Oh, don't worry. This is just part of the town history museum. Only ghosts here are ghosts of the past. Admission's free on Tuesdays.
[Frank opens the store door.]
All except Frank: [cheering] Woo-hoo! Tuesdays!
[They all excitedly run inside, followed by Frank.]
Interior[]
Frank: In addition to being the town postman and the sheriff of Smalton, I'm also the curator of this fine collection of antiques.
[Nancy looks at a mini model replica of Patti's Diner while Cricket moves a toy tractor along a book called "A Small History of Smalton". Tilly and Remy are elsewhere in the store, looking at Raccoons during the war.]
Tilly: I had no idea Smalton had such a rich and vibrant history.
[As Remy proceeds to touch the grenade in the statue raccoon's mouth, we see an animatronic of an old farmer beginning to dance to some jolly music. Cricket goes over to dance beside him.]
Cricket: [chuckles] I'm getting in on this!
[Cricket spins around before grabbing the farmer's broomstick, and then proceeds to dance with him, showing a chill face as he hums to the soundtrack.]
Nancy: [laughs] It's churning time!
[Nancy goes over to join Cricket, leaving Frank with his slightly concerned facial expression.]
Frank: Careful now, that's illegal.
[The music and the animatronic's movement stop as Cricket and Nancy take in that last part.]
Nancy: What now?
Remy: Dancing while churning butter is against the law?
Frank: That's right. Smalton has a bunch of quirky laws from long ago that are technically still in effect today. For example, [whip-pan over to the farmer, who is now moving again; the music also starts up again; Frank is now OS] Old Jimmy Corker over here liked to listen to music and dance while he did farm work. [Nancy steps aside as a stack of milk bottles rises] That is, until his dancing knocked over an entire morning's haul of milk. [the milk stack lowers to show the milks have knocked over; on-screen] That milk stunk up so bad in the summer heat, the whole town got sick. So that's why it's illegal now.
[The words get through to Nancy, but Cricket stares at the animatronic with interest...]
Nancy: Huh. That's a quirky law, all right.
Frank: And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
[Frank shows Cricket and Nancy a list of laws in Smalton, which is labelled "Ye Olde List o' Laws".]
Frank: Here's a list of all of them. It's illegal to run backwards in a pasture, eat a whole can of beans after 5:00 p.m., and it's illegal to say the word, [whispering] "sarsaparilla."
Cricket: Wait, wait, wait. So if I do the hokey, I get sent to the pokey?
Frank: If you do it while churning butter, then yes. So you better watch out, or I'll arrest you.
[After hearing that sentence, Nancy decides to conclude the idea of law breaking.]
Nancy: Hmm? Okay, wrap it up, kiddo. You do not want to go to jail like I did. Believe me.
Cricket: You're right. You're right. I shouldn't say... [dramatic zoom in, smiles] sarsaparilla.
Nancy: Hey! Knock it off!
Cricket: [while spinning around] Sarsaparilla, sarsaparilla, sarsaparilla, sarsaparilla... [continues under Frank]
Frank: Careful, I'm getting my handcuffs...!
[As Frank takes his handcuffs out, Nancy looks over at them, becoming even more nervous.]
Nancy: Cricket, I'm serious!
[Cricket then runs back over to the wall and takes the list of laws from it's frame.]
Cricket: There's so many more laws I could break!
[Not on Nancy's watch!]
Nancy: Cricket Ernest Green!
Cricket: What?
Nancy: I am not raising a felon. Hand over that list now!
Cricket: [sighs] Okay... Here you go.
[Cricket hands over the list in disappointment.]
Nancy: Thank you-uu?
[The sheet of paper Cricket handed Nancy just then is not the list of laws, rather a song called "A Fool's Tune, which musical notes underneath. Cricket is stood at the door, holding the actual list of laws, cunning as always.]
Cricket: Law 37: It's illegal to trick a redhead on a Tuesday!
Nancy: But today's Tuesday!
Cricket: Exactly! I'm gonna break every old law on this list! (OS) HAHAHAHAH!!!
[Nancy and Frank watch as Cricket runs out into the streets of Smalton, laughing maniacally as he prepares to break all the laws, the outcome that Nancy didn't wish for.]
Nancy: My boy's a criminal.
Frank: Well, according to the Smalton rule of law, yes, but they're old and silly! No harm done.
Nancy: Don't you see, Frank?! These are gateway crimes! You saw how hyped up he was; [shaking Frank] It's the pure adrenaline rush of law breaking! Of course, it's harmless now, but if he isn't stopped, [zoom in] his hunger for breaking the law will only grow! And what if he does something that actually gets him into trouble?
[We fade to...]
Nancy's fantasy[]
A jail cell[]
[A prisoner labelled "0416" is sat on the wooden bench that makes up half a bunk bed.]
Prisoner: So, what are you in for?
[We pan up and slightly to the left to see Cricket, also as a prisoner, using a toothpick for this teeth, as he sits on the top bunk with a mischievous smile, taking on an appearance similar to Nick's.]
Cricket: [scoffs; zoom in] Everything.
[As the sound of a jail cell door closing is heard, we fade...]
Back to reality, Smalton Historical Centre[]
Interior[]
Nancy: I was just like him as a kid, and I won't let him go down the same path!
Frank: You're right. This is serious!
Nancy: Come on, Frank. We gotta find him.
[Nancy grabs Frank by the arm before both of them leave the store. As they do, we see...]
A toy area[]
[...which Tilly and Remy appear to be checking out.]
Tilly: Oh, my. What's all this?
Remy: Are these [picks up a toy] caveman tools?
Saul (OS): [gasps] Tooter poppies!
Tilly: Hmm?
[Tilly and Remy look over and see Saul wheeling over, having an interest in old toys like these.]
Saul: These are the kind of toys we played with [takes toy from Remy] when I was just a young whippersnapper.
Remy: These are supposed to be toys? [picks up a toy ball] How could anyone have fun with this?
[Tilly picks up an old duck toy.]
Tilly: I've never seen a duck look so... (OS) haunted.
[As the duck toy makes a sinister quacking noise, a spider crawls out of it's mouth and goes round to the back of the duck's neck. We then cut back to Saul, who is a bit insulted at Tilly and Remy's attitude on these old toys.]
Saul: So, you young'uns think you're too good for my generation's toys?
Remy: Scientifically, yes. [Tilly puts the duck on her head] The fun centers of our brains are simply too developed for such low-tech frivolities. [Tilly walks off; Remy pulls out his Bintendo Twist -] We need real entertainment!
Saul (OS): [takes the Bintendo Twist from Remy] Oh, hog spittle. [on-screen] This newfangled doohickey has nothing on the classics. See for yourself.
Remy: Well, [picks up another toy] if they really are as fun as you say, then sure, I'll try 'em out. You in, Tilly?
[Pan out to see Tilly playing with some of the toys; she appears to be in!]
Tilly: Oh, playthings of the past. Whisper your secrets to me.
Remy: I think she's in.
[I think so too, Remy!]
Smalton[]
[Nancy and Frank are still on the run to find Cricket.]
Nancy: Come on, Frank. We gotta find Cricket!
[The two stop running before hearing Cricket laughing manically, causing them to look over to the left, where Cricket is stood outside the Smalton Barber with the list of laws.]
Cricket: Yeehaw, breaking laws! Yeehaw, breaking laws!
[Cricket folds up the list and enters the barber shop. Nancy pants as she, followed by Frank, comes over to the barber shop window to find Cricket.]
Cricket (OS): [from inside] Law number eight:
Nancy: Huh?
Smalton Barber shop, interior[]
[The citizens inside the barber shop watch in confusion as Cricket crab walks around the store.]
Cricket: It's illegal to crab walk in a barber shop!
Nancy: Cricket, stop!
[The bell rings as Nancy enters the shop...]
Nancy: Wait, where'd he go?
[...followed by Frank. But where is Cricket?]
Cricket (OS): Law number 33...
[Nancy and Frank look to their left.]
Exterior[]
[They find Cricket now stood on a bench, playing a harmonica with his armpit!]
Cricket: It's illegal to play a harmonica with your armpit!
[As he laughs maniacally once again, he jumps off the bench just as Nancy throws herself onto it, just missing Cricket! She groans as she sits up.]
Cricket (OS): Law number 67...
[Whip-pan over to Cricket, who is now stood outside...]
The town hall, exterior[]
Cricket: It's illegal a-ooh-tay, eek-spay, igpay, atin-lae, e-forbe, une. (It's illegal to speak Pig Latin before noon.)
[He laughs maniacally again as he crab-walks off at lightning speed! Now things are REALLY out of hand! We then switch back to the English language.]
Frank: What do we do?! We need to stop Cricket before he becomes a full-fledged outlaw!
Nancy: Yes, but we're just one sheriff and one deputy!
Frank: Deputy? I didn't make you deputy.
Nancy: So we're gonna need some extra help.
Frank: [pops out from behind Nancy] I decide when we need help, but yeah, we... we need help.
[Yeah, that's probably best, Frank!]
Smalton Historical Centre[]
Toy area[]
[Back at the Historical Centre, Remy is playing with a spring, seeing if it has any interesting gadgets to it, though it obviously doesn't.]
Remy: Where are the buttons? Is there a slot for batteries?
[He holds it up like it's a microphone!]
Remy: Voice mode, activate. [grunts; stretches the spring] TURN ON!!
[Remy throws the spring to his right, which clanks into various other toys.]
Remy: Uggh! Tilly, have you figured out how to get the fun out of these things yet?
[Tilly is playing with a wooden figure; she presses a button, which knocks the front of the figure over.]
Tilly: The children of yesteryear were macabre indeed.
Remy: I just wanna understand!
Tilly: [gasps; sees something] Hold on, Remy. Looks like there's still one toy left we can try.
[Which is... a cup and a ball. Very simple.]
Remy: A cup with a ball? Alright, we'll give it a try.
[It can't be that difficult, right?]
Frank's[]
Exterior[]
[We cut to Frank's.]
Nancy (OS): [from inside] I've gathered you all here for a very important police mission.
Interior[]
[Nancy is stood behind Frank's counter, now wearing a deputy badge as she talks to a few certain people.]
Nancy: You each possess the skills I'm looking for. And also, [OS] you were in my immediate line of sight at the time. So, I'm naming you all temporary deputies.
[Frank hands a deputy badge to Wayne, Patti, Tracy and Trey. The first three put on their badges, followed by Trey, who has no shirt on, so the pin goes right through his chest!]
Trey: [yelps] Oh... [in pain] That's a pin. Sharp pin in my chest. Trey's gonna sit this one out.
[Trey moves aside.]
Patti: [Wayne starts shaking as she speaks] Just so you know, even the smallest amount of authority goes straight to Wayne's head.
Wayne: Alright, who's the scumbag we're arresting?
Nancy: That's what I like to see, Wayne. Now, our target [shows a picture of Cricket] is this boy.
[The three look at the picture, but then realize who it is.]
Tracy: Isn't that your boy?
Patti: What did he do?
Nancy: He... [sniffs] ...crab walked in a barbershop.
Tracy: That's it?
Nancy: [grabs Tracy] Among other crimes! And that won't it, Tracy, if we let him run free.
Patti: Well, if it's that important to you, I think I saw him head into Feed-N-Seed.
Nancy: Good eye, Patti. Now let's go hunt down my son!
Wayne, Tracy and Patti: Yeah!
Feed-N-Seed[]
Interior[]
[Nancy kicks the doors open to the Feed-N-Seed. Wayne, Patti, Tracy and Frank are there by her side.]
Nancy: [grunts] All right, team. Fan out.
[Nancy points two fingers to her left, signalling Tracy and Patti to go to the left of the store, before pointing two fingers to the right, telling Wayne to go to the right of the store, who is now on a leash that is being held by Frank.]
Wayne: [sniffing]
Frank: Whoa!
[Wayne pulls Frank into the store. Everyone is then looking for Cricket, Patti using her rolling pins, Wayne trying to sniff him out, and Tracy looking underneath a Feed-N-Seed counter.]
Patti / Frank: Huh? / Hmm?
[Nancy stands by a pile of sacks.]
Nancy: I know you're here somewhere, Cricket!
[Wayne suddenly howls like a dog, getting Nancy's attention. He barks before howling once again, having found something in one of the aisles. Frank and the others join him.]
Frank: What is it, boy? [gasps]
[We zoom out to see a small sack pile in the middle of the aisle that Cricket appears to be hiding in, which is what Wayne was howling and pointing at.]
Frank: He's broken law number nine: (OS) It's illegal to build a fort out of fertilizer bags!
Nancy: Aha!
[Nancy flips over the fertilizer bags to reveal... a fan with pipe cleaners and a newspaper on the top to look like Cricket. How unusual.]
Nancy: What the-- Where's Cricket?!
[But just then, Cricket is heard laughing maniacally once again, alerting everyone at this particular moment.]
Exterior[]
[Nancy and the others exit the Feed-N-Seed to look for Cricket, who is still laughing maniacally.]
Nancy: [gasps; looks up at Cricket] Sweet cream corn.
[Cricket is stood at the top of the Smalton water tower, holding a chicken.]
Cricket: [climbs onto the railing] Law number 72: It's illegal to pet a chicken 100 feet above sea level!
[Cricket chuckles as he strokes the chicken, which clucks as it gets stroked.]
Cricket: [puts the chicken down; pulls out the list] I've only got one law left to break, and I "can-non" afford to miss it!
[Cricket chuckles as he runs around the back of the water tower with the list. The chicken clucks again, this time laying an egg, which starts to fall down on the town. As Nancy watches in worry, Frank ponders on what Cricket is talking about.]
Frank: "Can-non"? Cannon... [gasps; the egg lands on his head] He's gonna break Law 95: [grabs Nancy] Eating a ham sandwich on the town cannon!
Nancy: This is our last chance to stop him. Once Cricket breaks that final law, there will be no turning back for him. Come on, everyone! To the cannon!
[Everyone runs off in determination to stop Cricket, but will they do it?]
Smalton Historical Centre[]
Toy area[]
[Back at the Historical Centre, Tilly and Remy are still trying to have fun with the cup and the ball, though they appear to be finding it very boring.]
Remy: Do we just keep doing this till we die of boredom? I don't know how people used to survive like this.
[But then, Remy makes the ball land in the cup, causing him to gasp snf and to show beaming eyes.]
Remy: Well, would you look at that, by Jiminy! [OS] Tilly, old pal, you gotta give this a whirl!
[Tilly takes the cup and ball...]
Tilly: I don't really see how swinging a cup around can be fun, but...
[...she too being able to land the ball inside the cup. Her eyes also beam bigger.]
Tilly: Oh, my stars and my ours! [walking around whilst playing with the cup and ball] It was right there in the black and white all along! These toys are simple!
Remy: [playing with a toy duck] Simple and fun! No extra baloney! Wait till we tell Ol' Saul we cracked the caper!
Both: Hey, old sport!
[We whip-pan over to Saul, who has gotten into the Bintendo Twist, and is playing a game as we speak!]
Saul: Bunch of spawn camping cheaters!
[Tilly and Remy come over, holding a circle and a stick and the cup and the ball with their eyes still wide.]
Tilly: Me and the lad are gonna hit the town!
Remy: Be an egg and join us, will ya?
[Tilly starts pushing Saul as she and Remy start walking.]
Saul: Gotta wreck these noobs!
[Well, we weren't expecting that!]
The hill with the town cannon[]
[The sound of thunder rumbling is heard as Cricket lowers the ham sandwich so it is seen.]
Cricket (partially OS): Hmm... [onscreen, puts it on his head] Well, well, well...!
[He climbs up the hill and sits in the cannon.]
Cricket: If this ain't the perfect place to have a little snack.
Frank (OS): FREEZE!
Cricket: Nyuh!??
[Frank, Patti, Wayne and Tracy come out from hiding in the bushes, but where's Nancy?]
Frank: It's over, Cricket! Drop the hamwich!
Cricket: Hey... hey...!! Don't take another step...! [holding the hamwich to his mouth] I'll do it, man...! I'LL DO IT...!!
Frank: Easy, Cricket... Let's all just... Nancy, NOW!
Cricket: Huh?!
[Nancy jumps from a bush behind Cricket, landing onto the cannon as she tries to take the sandwich from him, with Cricket trying to dodge her "attack".]
Nancy: GIVE IT UP, CRICKET!
[All the movement causes the cannon's wooden chock to slip from the wheel.]
Cricket (OS): GET OFFA ME!!!!
Nancy: Hand over the ham!!!!
[The two scream as they roll down the hill on the cannon, with Frank, Tracy, Patti and Wayne watching from a tree.]
Cricket: JUST LET ME...!! FINISH...!!
Downtown Smalton[]
Cricket: ...THE LIST!!!
[The cannon thuds as it slams into the road. Here's Trey, holding a chocolate ice cream, already with chocolate ice cream around his mouth, with a bandage on where the pin was inserted into his chest from earlier.]
Trey: Trey happy ice-cream!
[The cannon suddenly passes Trey and his ice cream, causing the ice cream to fall out of his hands, leaving Trey disappointed, as the thunder rumbles and the rain starts to fall.]
Trey: Aw...
[As the cannon rolls on, Cricket and Nancy continue grunting as they fight over the ham, stretching it back and forth as the rain comes down.]
Cricket: GIVE IT BACK, MOM!!!!
Nancy: It's for your own good! Whoa!!!!
[The cannon leans forward, causing Nancy to fall off, leaving Cricket enough time to break the final law...]
Cricket: Ha-HA! [he climbs on top of the cannon...] With this sandwich [...and puts the ham back into the sandwich] I BREAK MY FINAL LAW!!!!!!
[Cricket laughs maniacally once more as lightning strikes. Nancy has had it now, and with her hair in her eyes, she chuckles slightly to say only one thing...]
Nancy: Fine, DO IT!
[...leaving Cricket confused.]
Cricket: ...Heh?
Nancy: You're goin' down a bad path, kiddo. I would know, I've been there!
[Cricket's face shifts from madness to fear.]
Nancy (partially OS): And it landed me in the slammer! You wanna end up like me?! [lightning strike] Huh?!! Then go right ahead!!
Cricket: Okay!! Okay, Mom!! I-I-I was just havin' a goof! If it's that important to you... I'll stop.
Nancy: Well, don't come crying to me when-- [she realizes something] Wait... What was that last part?
Cricket: [getting off the cannon] I said, I'll stop!
Nancy: You're -- you're givin' up? [she takes the sandwich] I never would have come quietly as a kid.
Cricket: Well, yeah. I'm not you. I'm like, way cooler.
[A bit weird, but okay...]
Frank (OS): There he is! Let's get him!
Cricket: [sighs] I did the crimes; I gotta do the times.
[And with that he decides to turn himself in.]
Nancy: ...Wait, Cricket.
[And with that, Nancy hands Cricket back the sandwich.]
Nancy (partially OS): Here.
Cricket: Huh?
Nancy: I'll hold them off as long as I can. Go finish that list.
Patti: Oh, no. Nancy switched sides!
Frank: Well, then, let's get them both!
Nancy: Eat fast, kid!
[As Cricket climbs back onto the cannon, Nancy takes off her deputy badge, confirming to the others that she truly has switched sides.]
Nancy: You stay back!
[Nancy grunts as she jumps through the air...]
Frank: Nancy, wait!!
[...landing on Frank and the others, causing them all to groan offscreen.]
Frank: Wayne, you're our last hope! Run!
[Wayne pants as he runs the complete other way!]
Frank: No, the other way! ...Oh, forget it.
[Cricket holds up the sandwich.]
Nancy: He's gonna do it!
[He grunts as he curls it up into a ball in his hands.]
Frank: He's gonna do it!
[And as triumphant music plays, Cricket throws the sandwich up into the sky, past the clouds, revealing a ray of sunlight, before we see Nancy, Patti, Tracy and Frank, the former with a happy face, and the latter 3 with shocked faces. Cricket holds his mouth open as the sandwich lands inside it; all 95 laws officially broken!]
Cricket: [with sandwich in his mouth] Goooooood!!!!! I finished the liiiiiiiiist!!!!!!!!
Frank: No!
Nancy: [getting off the others] That's my boy!
Frank: That's technically illegal!
Patti: I closed the diner for this?!
[Patti and Tracy leave, just as Nancy is about to help Frank up.]
Nancy: Come on.
Frank: I can't believe it! He broke every ridiculous law! We got a career criminal on our hands!
Nancy: I thought so too, but you know what? I don't think Cricket's gonna be heading down that path.
Cricket (partially OS): Here ya go, Frank!
[Cricket hands the law list to Frank as Nancy dries her hair.]
Frank: Really? Well, all's well that ends well.
Cricket: Man, today was a blast! It's a bummer Remy and Tilly missed the whole thing!
Tilly (OS): Cricket!
[We then see Tilly and Remy walking along a sidewalk as they wheel Saul, who is still playing on Remy's Bintendo Twist, while they play with the old toys.]
Tilly: You and the old bear cat gotta join us to try these spiffy toys!
Remy: They're the cat's meow, the bee's kneesy, the hound's tooth, the horse's snout!
Tilly (OS): You sure know your onions, Remy!
Cricket: Y'know what? I'm not even gonna ask.
[It's probably best you don't, Cricket.]