|"Axin' Saxon"|| Next:|
Green's house, backyard
Gramma: How dare you trespass on my property! YA! (shows she's cutting the grass) Ha-ha! We'll trim you weeds down to size! YA!
Tilly: More tea, Mama?
Nancy: Thanks sug, but I think twelve cups is my limit.
Tilly: And how about you, Saxon?
Nancy: Saxon? Is that this little fella's name?
Tilly: Oh, that's right! You haven't met Saxon yet. He's my closest compatriot/spiritual adviser. (as Saxon) "I also teach piano on the weekends!"
Nancy: Nice to finally meet you, Saxon. (sighs) Sometimes I forget just how long I've been gone.
(The Kludge's horn honks; Bill is on board wearing a fisherman's hat with fishing gear in the trunk.)
Bill: We're headin' out, girls! I've been workin' like a dog lately, and I'm long overdue for a relaxin' day of fishin'.
Cricket: (comes up, taking Bill's hat) I'm gonna catch so many fish, I'm gonna be drownin' in 'em!
Remy: (comes up wearing a sailor's hat) And I'm wearing a sailor's hat! Toot, toot!
Nancy: (walks over to them) Ha-ha...I hope you boys have fun! And hey, Bill? Thanks again for lettin' me spend the day with Tilly, it'll be really nice to make up some of that lost time.
Bill: No problemo, Nance. Now, if you'll excuse us...
Cricket, Remy, Bill: FISHING BOYS! FISHING BOYS! FISHING BOYS!
(The Kludge drives away.)
Nancy: (walks back to Tilly) All right, Tilly girl, I got an idea for some fun.
Tilly: Saxon and I love fun!
Nancy: Well, have a seat right...here.
(They sit on the sidewalk next to mud puddles in the street; pause.)
Tilly: Uh, Mama? I-I thought you said this would be fun.
(A minivan drives through the puddles, soaking them with mud.)
Nancy: Welcome to the splash zone!!
Tilly: (as Saxon) "Refreshing!"
(The blade from Gramma's sword suddenly points her right in the face.)
Gramma: You still playin' with that sack o' junk?! When I was your age, I buried all my dolls right there in the yard!
(Shows various miniature tombstones with doll names in the dirt.)
Gramma: I don't know who keeps leavin' the flyers.
Tilly: Uh, but I'm bonded to Saxon, just like you and your sword!
Gramma: What?! No, this is different! Swordy's special. That thing's just weird.
Nancy: C'mon now, Alice! As long as I'm back around, I won't let you say another word about Tilly's...friend.
Gramma: Fine! Have fun playin' in the mud, ya hippies. (leaves)
Tilly: Thanks, Mama. It's nice to know that Saxon has a protector. I love you, Mama. And I also like you. (hugs her)
Nancy: (whimpers with joy)
Tilly: Well, I'm gonna go squeeze the water outta my socks and see how pruny my feet look.
(She waves to her before closing the door; Nancy waves back.)
Nancy: Yes! Nancy, you are really rackin' up the Mom points! (picks up Saxon) Saxon, right? Let's get you cleaned up.
(Nancy, now cleaned up, puts Saxon in the washing machine and starts it up.)
Nancy: There we go, that oughta do it. Nancy, as a mom, you done good.
(The machine suddenly shudders and an exploding pop is heard from inside.)
Nancy: Oh, nonononononononono!
(She opens the door and gasps; Saxon has exploded and torn up, spilling stuffing everywhere.)
Nancy: Cream of wheat.
(The boys are in a boat the middle of a river in Big City, wearing life jackets and having fishing poles set up with lines cast.)
Cricket: Uh...Dad? Are you sure this is a good area for fishing? There doesn't seem to be any fish around.
Bill: It's a good area for relaxin'! And that's exactly... (gets a can of Splish soda and yawns) What I plan to do.
Cricket: Pffft. Well, relax away, old man. I'm on a mission! I'm gonna catch the biggest fish out here!
(He imagines himself holding a giant fish.)
Fish: Wow, Cricket! You did such a great job catching me! You earned this!
Cricket: You bet I did.
Fish: Hey, wait -- what are you -- (Cricket eats him) AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
Remy: Wow! My buddy with a trophy fish! Cricket, I'm sure he'll take the bait! Hook, line, and sinker! (gasps) Those are all words that a fishing man would say!
Cricket: Oh-ho, sweet Remy. Never grow up.
Green's house, kitchen
Nancy: (paces back and forth with the ruined Saxon) Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Don't freak out. You can fix this. Just as long as Tilly doesn't --
(A gasp is heard; a dumbfounded Tilly is at the door, mug in hand. She lets it drop to the floor and spill the water, then picks it up and throws it down, breaking it.)
Nancy: Tilly sweetie, I can explain!
Tilly: (takes Saxon) Give him to me!! Oh, beautiful Saxon! Hang in there!
(She puts Saxon on the floor and does mouth-to-mouth resuscitation; she stands with her whole body coated in shadow and a blank look on her face.)
Tilly: (quietly) He's gone.
Nancy: Oh, Tilly girl, I'm sorry! I-I gotta come clean!
Tilly: (contemptuously) You know, Mama...death is an undeniable fact of life...but murder must be avenged. The one who did this will not be forgiven...! Gramma will pay.
Nancy: Well, it was an accident -- (realizes what she said) Wait. Gramma?
Tilly: I can't believe she actually went behind our backs and did this to poor, angelic Saxon!
Nancy: Uh...I guess...Gramma doing it would certainly make sense, but --
Tilly: Don't worry, Mama. I'm just gonna have a little chat with dear old Gramma. (ominously walks away)
Nancy: Like a friendly chat? Tilly? Tilly?! (follows after her)
Gramma: (polishes her sword) Heh-heh. We didn't show those weeds any mercy, did we?
Tilly: (barges in) AHH! I got a bone to pick with you! (shows Saxon)
Gramma: Huh? Is that the sack man? He looks like the dog had some fun with him.
Nancy: (walks up) Look, Tilly. Your Gramma probably feels guilty and is a little scared about ownin' up to it. I mean...I-I-I know I would be if I ever did somethin' so horrible! (nervous chuckle)
Tilly: (sweetly) Oh, Mama. You aren't capable of such cruelty. You are kind, and noble, and honest. But Gramma's none of those things. (viciously) And until she confesses, I'm going to make her life a wicked nightmare!
Gramma: I dunno what you're on about, but I'd like to see you try.
(She reaches for the cup of coffee on her table, but Tilly tips it first.)
Tilly: ...What are you gonna do about it?
Gramma: I will FIGHT YOU!!!
(Split-Screen of the two, growling at each other. Split to reveal Nancy nervously groaning.)
(Gramma is trimming her nails. She puts her foot into her shoe, which has been filled with a green goop. She raises her foot up. Reveal it's Tilly with several used cups. With both her shoes filled with green goop Gramma snickers. Tilly growls.)
(Now without glasses Gramma relaxes in the tub. Tilly rises and pours cold water into the tub.)
Gramma: Gaah!!! ... Oh. Good. I thought this bath was a little too... (Goes close to Tilly) HOT.
Tilly: I will break you, old woman.
(Tilly slides out to screen left.)
(Gramma puts down newspaper and is about to eat a bread with pencils sticking out. She notices it. POV shot that focuses to Tilly. Pause, and Gramma eats the bread.)
Gramma (OS): Mmm-mmm-mmm! Delicious.
(Tilly, speechless, leaves.)
(Gramma walks in.)
Gramma: Do-do-do-do-do! Aah... (Picks up remote) Time for my stories.
(A red liquid drops onto her nose.)
Gramma: (looks up) What now?
(Someone has written "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID" on the ceiling in red liquid.)
Gramma: Oh, an anonymous message written in red liquid. (Camera zooms out to reveal Tilly with paintbrush) If you're looking to scare me you're gonna have to try a lot harder.
Gramma: NEVER!!! I don't know what you're talking about, but I'll never confess to it!!!
Tilly: I was going easy on you before, (holds hand up) but it looks like I'll have to summon my full wrath!!!
Nancy (OS): (takes Tilly away) Oookay. That's enough.
Tilly: (On Nancy's shoulder) Gramma's not broken yet. I'm gonna have to up the ante! (To Nancy, sweetly) I'm so glad you're on my side, Mama.
Nancy: (sweating) Let's go outside for some fresh air. It's guilty - (realizes what she said) I mean... Stuffy! In here.
Cricket: Ugh!!! It's been hours and nothing's biting!
(Yep - nothing.)
Cricket: Maybe these city fish think they're too good for normal bait.
(He casts a donut.)
Cricket: What?! Too good for people food?!
(And Bill's wallet.)
Cricket: Don't tell me you're too good for cash! EVERYBODY HAS THEIR PRICE.
Bill: Hmm... Seem to be missing my wallet. Eh. no matter. Worries are for dry land. We're on the water now! Hey, fellas, come on over here and relax! I made hoagies!
(Pulls up a hoagie.)
Remy: Ooh, a break sounds nice!
Cricket: What?! Remy, you'd say you help me catch a fish! (Remy's point of view, Cricket's eye twitching) You... you'd choose to help your friend over eating a hoagie, right??
Remy: Depends. (growing awe) Is... is there... cheddar cheese on it? (it turns out...) There is. ...Yeah. Sorry, Cricket. (to Bill, walking away) Toss me a hoagie, Mr. Green!
Bill: Aw, Remy. Relax and get in tune with the waves. (hands Remy his hoagie) Let the bobbing of the water, be the bobbing of your soul.
(Remy eats his hoagie.)
Remy: (mouth full) I'm feeling real relaxation!
Cricket: Fine! Enjoy lazin' about! Okay, Cricket. Focus all your energy. (puts down his rod) Bite. Bite, fish! Come on! Bite, fish! Bite!!
(Sounds of the rod reeling in.)
Remy (OS): Oh! We got a bite!
Cricket: It worked!
Bill: Yeah, seems to be on my line. (laughs) And I wasn't even doing nothin'.
Cricket: C'mon, get it, get it!!
Bill: Well, now I just gotta scooch over, and (grunting) 'Scuse me, Remy. (gets into position) Here we go. Now to reel it in and... (nothing comes up) Oh, it's gone. Oh well. It was a thrill while it lasted.
(Cricket is speechless, and pulls the hat over his eyes in frustration. Just then, another fish splashes up, catching Cricket's attention. Cricket screams in frustration while Bill and Remy relax away.)
Green's house, backyard
(An angry Tilly is feeding the chickens, and having some of their food for herself. Pan to Melissa, whom Nancy is having a chat with.)
Nancy: Hmph... I just don't know what to do! It's not right to let Gramma take the fall for my mistake. (grabs Melissa) But if I tell Tilly what I did, she might hate me forever!! (sighs) But she still has time to calm down, right?... Oh my gosh.
(Tilly has made a Gramma dummy.)
Tilly: Remember, Priscilla. You'll get more seed when the job is done. Now, MAIM HER!!!
(Priscilla gets to work.)
Nancy: Actually, I think I'll hold off -- Tilly!
Tilly: (now sweetly) Oh, hello Mama!
Nancy: Hey, Tilly girl. W..,. Why don't you step away from the chicken and come and walk with me?
(Priscilla is just inches away from the dummy.)
Nancy: I know you're really mad at Gramma, but I want you to try and imagine if the roles were reversed. Wouldn't you want forgiveness if you destroyed something Gramma loved?
Tilly: If I destroyed something Gramma loved?
(Gramma is asleep on the porch.)
Tilly: I think I understand, Mama. I know what I must do.
(She heads off.)
Nancy: Wow, I that actually worked. (Tilly enters the house) Tilly's really gonna go make up with Gramma and... Wait, what is she doing??
Gramma: Someone there?
Tilly: Oh, Gramma! SAY GOODBYE... (pulls up the sword) TO YOUR SWORD!!!
Nancy: Oh no.
Tilly: (joviantly running away, sword in hand) Thanks for the advice, Mama!
Nancy: Tilly, that's not what I meant!!!
(Tilly maniacally laughs as she runs off with the sword, Nancy and Gramma in pursuit.)
Gramma: YOU GET BACK HERE, TILLY!!!!!!!!!!!
Big City streets
(Tilly runs across the streets with the sword, scaring people.)
Gramma: GIMME BACK MY SWORD!!
Tilly: Oh, you'll get your sword back. In itty-bitty PIECES!!!
(Tilly runs in between two people.)
Gramma: (pushing them apart) Out of my WAY!
Nancy: Oh, gosh. (pulling them up) I'm so sorry about this. Just a little family's back.
(Tilly jumps onto a car, scraping the hood,)
Driver: Wow, a real sword!
Gramma: GET BACK HERE, YOU NOW...!
(Tilly slashes open a mailbox, spilling its contents. Gramma spits some out.)
Gramma: Now you listen up, Tilly Green... If you don't fork over my sword right now, I'll...! (gasps)
(Tilly is on the bridge.)
Gramma (OS): Wait...
Nancy: Tilly!! Where'd you...? (notices her, gasps)
Gramma: You... You wouldn't dare!!
(Tilly does, anyway. She raises her sword hand towards the edge...)
Tilly: Gramma, you got three seconds to admit you're wrong doin' it and apologize!
Gramma: Don't you do it!!!
(Nancy is terrified.)
Gramma (OS): I'm warnin' you, girl!!!
Nancy: TILLY, STOP!!!!! It was me! I destroyed Saxon!!
(Tilly is shocked...)
Tilly: Wha...?? (...but lets go of the sword) ...Oh, whoops.
(There goes the sword.)
Gramma: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs to Tilly, then jumps into the river below) SWORDYYYYYY!!!!!!!! (Splash.)
Tilly: Mama, you killed Saxon?
Nancy: Well, yes. But --
Tilly: And you... lied to me?
Nancy: Yes, and I'm so sorry. I-I just didn't know what to do! I was trying to clean him up and he exploded in the washing machine... I know I should've have let Gramma take the fall, but... I didn't want you to stop liking me.
Tilly: (puts a knowing hand on her Mama's) Mama, I am upset that you lied to me. But... I'll never stop liking you. I love you too much.
(The two share a hug.)
Nancy: Aw, sug...
Tilly: Now, if you'll excuse me, I should... apologize to Gramma. (notices she's gone) Oh, right. she jumped off the bridge.
Cricket: I... can't... catch... anything!
(Bill and Remy are relaxing.)
Bill: (laughs) Aah... this is livin'. Oh, hey son! How's the fishin' going?
Cricket: Terrible. I failed! I didn't even get one dang bite! So I figured out I might as well join you guys.
Bill: Happy to have ya.
Cricket: Hear, hear.
(They all drink cans of Splish, then the rods start moving...)
Cricket: Oh my gosh! We've all got bites!
(Bill and Remy both get fishes...)
Remy: It's a Fishmas miracle!
Cricket: Ooh! Gah! Gah... I got a fighter!
Bill: Reel 'em in, my boy!
Remy: Yeah, Cricket! You can do it!!
(...and Cricket fishes out Swordy.)
Remy: What do you suppose that means?
(Suddenly Gramma sneaks up on him.)
Gramma: GIMME BACK MY SWORD!!
(Nancy is finishing the final touches on the new Saxon.)
Nancy: There we go! Saxon 2.0 is ready to rumble!
Tilly: (as Saxon) "I am more powerful than Death itself!" Oh, thank you, Mama! He's perfect.
(Cricket comes in.)
Cricket: 'Scuse me, ladies. (He has a plaque with Swordy on it.) Now that's a trophy. (hangs it over the fish trophy on the wall)
Gramma: Oh, how many times do I have to tell you that ain't a fish, that's my sword!
Tilly: Obviously, Gramma has never seen a swordfish.
(All but Gramma laugh.)
Gramma: Aw, come on. That's not that funny.
Gramma: Why is everyone still laughin'?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!!!
(...on Saxon, who winks.)