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The following is a transcript for the episode, "Bad Dad".
Smalton
Greens' country house
Kitchen
[The episode title appears written in a spider's web: Bad Dad. Zoom back and resume where the last episode left the Greens: After Cricket was proven innocent in the cake trial, and Grampa Nick was the true culprit! The family is seen at the dining table, Gramma suspicious, Bill worried, Cricket and Tilly excited, Nancy unamused, and the mischievous scoundrel eating his daughter's strawberry cake.]
Nick: Mmm, mmm. Good cake. My compliments to the chef.
Nancy: So, Dad, you're back.
Nick: That's right. I'm-a back.
Cricket and Tilly: Hooray!
[While Nancy isn't crazy about this sudden appearance, the kids certainly are.]
Cricket: We have SO many questions, for you, Grampa Nick!
Tilly: Such as, how did you acquire that gold tooth?
Cricket: Are you a pirate?
Nancy: Kids, please. What's going on, Dad?
[Nick starts to walk into the kitchen while answering his daughters question.]
Nick: Eh, same as usual. The old grind. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Nancy: Dad, seriously. I haven't seen you in years, and suddenly you're in my house and raiding my kitchen?
Nick: I just wanted to see my grandkids, Ticket and Killer.
[He opens the fridge, and grabs a carton of milk. Unusually, he starts drinking directly from the carton, Cricket and Tilly observing this.]
Tilly: Interesting. I suppose drinking straight from the carton is more efficient than using a cup.
Cricket: Yeah! Take this, cups! [grunts]
[With the idea of cups being useless in his head, Cricket starts to throw said cups, one green and one yellow, out of the window.]
Nancy: Cricket, stop.
Cricket: Nyah.
[And Cricket throws out the remainder of the cups.]
Nick: Oh, hey, you kids wanna see what's under my patch?
Cricket and Tilly: Yeah!
[He lifts up his eyepatch to reveal to the kids what's under it... but all we see is the world through what's underneath, while the kids are left starstruck.]
Cricket: Oh, my gosh.
Tilly: I can't look away.
Cricket: I wish I was missing an eye.
Tilly: Me too!
Nancy: Ugh!
[While the kids are excited about their new grandpa, Nancy isn't that fond about his return, Bill and Gramma noticing her distress.]
Bill: You okay, Nance?
Nancy: I know you don't know him that well, but my dad has always been trouble, and I don't want him around the kids.
[But just as she says this, Nick is seen chugging the carton of milk down, the kids egging him on!]
Cricket and Tilly: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Bill: If you like, Ma and I can stick around and help you deal with him.
Gramma: Yes. Deal with him.
Nancy: Thanks, but I know y'all need to be getting back to Big City. Besides, he's my dad, and I'll handle him.
Gramma: Well, I'll leave this here, just in case.
[Gramma puts her sword down on the table...]
Bill: I think she'll be okay, Ma.
[...but Bill picks it up.]
Nancy: Listen, Dad, if you wanted to visit, you should have called ahead and we could have discussed it. But right now, ugh, you need to go home.
Nick: Yeah, about that...
Sunny Days Estates
Nick's burnt trailer
[Nick takes the family to his home...]
Nick: Here she is... er, was.
[...the home in question is COMPLETELY destroyed.]
Nick: Some schmuck burnt it down, I don't know. It might have my loan shark, who I owe money to, or, or maybe my ex, who I left at the altar, or her sister, who I left with! Hey, maybe I even left the stove on. [chuckles] Oh, man.
[Nick, having left so many people and things, further fuels the kids' wonder.]
Tilly: (whispering) I can't help but find Grandpa's sordid past intriguing.
Cricket: I know. He's like a mystery wrapped in a, uh... bigger mystery!
Nick: So, since my trailer's gone, guess I'll be staying with--
Nancy: Nope, nope, absolutely not.
Nick: Aw, what? I got nowhere else to go. We're family! Come oooon.
[A pipe suddenly busts open with sewage water.]
Nancy: [groans] You're not living with me, but I'll help you find a place.
Nick: Great thinking, Nance. But there's one problem: I have no money.
Nancy: Then we'll get you a job. That way, you'll be able to pay for a place. Far away from us.
Cricket: Hey, check it out.
[Meanwhile, Cricket and Tilly have found something that... well, they shouldn't be playing in.]
Cricket: You had a whole pool, and you didn't know it.
Nancy: Kids, no!
Downtown Smalton
The market street
[After that shenanigan, the group goes to downtown Smalton to find Nick a job.]
Nancy: Okay, Dad, Frank has, like, seven jobs, so I'm sure he could use some extra help. Now wait here, and stay out of trouble.
Frank's building
[She enters the building...]
Nancy: Hiya, Frank--
[...but Frank is INCREDIBLY busy.]
Frank: You got Frank. Doctor, lawyer, dentist, fireman, mailman, data specialist, food health administrator, balloon artist. You name it, I do it. Let me put you on hold for a sec. Hey, Nancy, what can I do you for?
Nancy: I was hoping you could--
[Suddenly, a baby cries out! Frank hops to the rescue!]
Frank: One sec, I gotta reswaddle her. Her mom could be here any minute.
Nancy: Like I was saying, my dad's in town and he needs a--
[An alarm goes off!]
Frank: (gasps) Hold that thought, Nance. This can't wait.
[Frank starts typing aggressively on his desktop, entering some numbers at record speed.]
Frank: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
[The numbers on the screen turn green, and the flip charts on the wall go back to normal(?), leaving Frank in relief.]
Frank: Phew. That bought us some time.
Nancy: What was that?
Frank: Listen, Nancy, I've got a lot of jobs. I don't have time to explain 'em all.
Nancy: Actually, that's why I'm here. My dad needs a job, and it seems like you could use some... help?
Frank: Me? Need help? I'm not sure what you're talking about.
[Frank says this as he is typing, calling two people at once, and making a pizza, impressively (and oddly) with his feet, yet he doesn't feel the need for assistance]
Nancy: Okay, then do you maybe know anyone else who might be hiring?
[The pizza dough that Frank was previously tossing lands on Nancy's face.]
Frank: Oh, my brother, Hank, lives a few towns over in Tyneeville. He could probably use a hand.
Nancy: Really? That would be great.
Frank: Yeah, love my brother, but he's a slacker. Can't even handle doing six jobs at once.
[Frank now is blowing up balloons, designing a dress, and babysitting, while holding a tape measure in between his toes.]
Frank: Turn around for me?
Outside...
[Meanwhile, Nick is telling the kids stories of his wild adventures of life.]
Nick: And that, kids, is why you never eat a baby carrot. 'Cause it just might be your buddy Chuck's fake thumb.
Cricket: Lesson learned.
Tilly: Duly noted. So, Grandpa Nick, where have you been all these years?
Nick: Eh, couple marriages, couple divorces. Couple states I'm no longer welcome in.
Cricket and Tilly: Wow!
Nick: But, hey, enough about me. How's about we go and do something really fun?
Cricket: Yeah!
Tilly: I'll just notify Mama.
Nick: Ah, it's fine. You'll be with me, your grandpa.
Cricket and Tilly: Eh.
[They decide to just ignore the idea of telling Nancy and go with their grandpa, no question or concerns.]
Back inside
[Inside, Nancy is calling Hank, who has yet to answer.]
Nancy: Thanks again for putting me in touch with your brother, Frank. And for this?
[Frank is... giving Nancy a pedicure?]
Frank: No worries, Nance. My 3:00 cancelled.
Nancy: Um, I...
[Hank answers Nancy's call.]
Nancy: Oh. Hi, Hank. My name's Nancy Green. Your brother gave me your number beca--
Hank: Frank thinks I need help, doesn't he? Well, I do! You're hired! Do you know anything about nuclear power? Doesn't matter. You'll learn.
[Unlike his brother, Hank clearly does need help.]
Nancy: No, no, I already have a job. It's my dad who needs one. He's--
Hank: Sure, he can have a job. Or two. Or, five!
Nancy: He just needs one, thank you. And a place to live, if you know any.
Hank: In that case, he can take over as security at the Tyneeville mattress store, and sleep there, too.
Nancy: Oh, great. I bet there are all kinds of comfy beds he'd love.
Hank: NO SLEEPING ON THE MERCHANDISE! There's a trailer out back with a hard metal cot, though.
Nancy: Works for me.
Back outside
[She leaves the building with pride, but...]
Nancy: Hey, Dad, I got you a job. Dad?
[...she sees that Nick and the kids are gone.]
Nancy: Oh, no.
Unknown neighborhood
The road
[That is, gone to another neighborhood.]
Nick: So, kids, for fun, I like to let off a little steam.
Tilly: Huh. You mean like doing yoga? Or conversing with a licensed mental health professional?
Nick: Nah, I prefer to break stuff!
Cricket: You think Grandpa Nick would kill us?
Tilly: Probably not. I don't see the incentive.
Nick: What? You're gonna love it. Come on.
Abandoned house
[Nick picks up a cinder block, and heaves it through the boarded-up door!]
Tilly: A-are you sure we're not gonna get in trouble, Grandpa Nick?
Nick: Come on, Crinkle Cut. Your turn.
Cricket: If you inseeest. [chuckles]
[Cricket walks over to a cinder block, and tries to pick it up, but alas, the block is too heavy.]
Nick: Slow down, buddy. You'll graduate to cinder blocks eventually. Here, try a brick.
Cricket: I have much to learn. Whoa!
[Nick hands Cricket the brick, which pulls him down a bit because it's still moderately heavy, but he picks it up, and tosses it through the wooden doorsteps.]
Cricket: Whoo! I've never broken anything under adult supervision before!
Tilly: Yes, you have.
Cricket: Yeah, but this time, I'm not getting in trouble for it!
Nick: Come on, Nantucket. You try.
Tilly: I suppose. You only live once. Unless you're a cat.
Cricket: Can't argue with that.
[Nick has emptied a garbage can, and the three set up a slingshot with two fence boards, a hose, and the same garbage can Nick emptied. Cricket is inside the can, and Tilly and Nick are about to launch him.]
Tilly: Are you ready, brother?
Cricket: Less talky, more smashy!
Nick: That's the spirit, Crumpet.
Tilly: Fire!
Cricket: YAAAAA!!
[They launch Cricket! He smashes through a boarded-up window, and into the house!]
Cricket: I'm okay! And look, I found more bricks.
Tilly: Oh, my. Wanton destruction is chicken soup for my soul.
[Suddenly, a van pulls up to the house!]
Stranger: What are you doing smashing that house?
Nick: We can explain, stranger.
[Oh, no...]
Stranger: You didn't let me finish. What are you doing smashing that house... without using an ax?
[...oh?]
Nick: Now looky, there's a lesson in this, kids. When a fellow degenerate stumbles upon you in a windowless van, and offers to let you use his axes, you say, "Yes, please." What's your name, stranger?
Dweezil: Dweezil!
Cricket and Tilly: Hi, Dweezil.
Nick: Now get over here and grab yourself an ax.
[The children run over to the truck.]
Cricket and Tilly: Thank you, Dweezil.
[They grab their axes.]
Downtown Smalton
Outside Patti's Diner
[Meanwhile, Nancy is still trying to find them.]
Nancy: Wayne, have you seen Tilly or Cricket?
Wayne: Cricket? Oh, right here.
[Not completely understanding what Nancy just asked, Wayne thinks to show her a cricket. It chirps.]
Nancy: No, not a cricket. Cricket, my son.
Wayne: Your son's a cricket? I try not to judge folks, but that ain't right.
Nancy: Ugh, never mind. Where would my dad take them?
Wayne: Oh, is your dad also a cricket?
Nancy: Wayne, I'm real stressed out and--
Wayne: Oh, when I get stressed, I like to do something super fun, like sample various kinds of mayonnaise out of the jar and rate them on a scale of one to two.
[Interestingly, he puts up his fingers to show 1, and then 3, instead of 2. Anyways, what Wayne has just said gives Nancy an idea as to where they might be.]
Nancy: Wait, that's it. My dad must have taken them to go have fun.
[She knows where he would have taken the kids, but as she realizes exactly where they've gone... well, she's going to need to find them ASAP.]
Nancy: Sweet corn beans! I know exactly where they are!
Wayne: Enjoy rating mayonnaises!
Neighborhood, that night
The road
[She makes her way to the road, looking for them.]
Nancy: Cricket? Tilly? Kids? Huh?
Abandoned house
[She sees her dad snoring?]
Nancy (OS): Dad? But where is... [gasps; on-screen] Kids!
[She sees Dweezil with the kids, but whilst he's teaching them how to handle an axe, Nancy sees the kids in serious danger, and tackles Dweezil with a ferocious scream, waking Nick up!]
Nick: Huh? Wha-- What? What the-- Nancy! You know better than to tackle a man with an axe. It's unsafe.
Nancy: I don't know what's going on here, but this is exactly why I didn't want you back!
Tilly: Mama, we were just learning proper ax handling from this scruffy stranger we met.
Dweezil: (defeated, on the ground) Dweezil.
[Nick smiles down at Dweezil before it fades as he looks up at Nancy.]
Nancy: See? This is why you can't stay with us. The kids could have gotten hurt under your watch. You were a bad dad to me, but I won't let you be a bad grandpa to them.
Nick: Aw, Nancy, look--
Nancy: I don't wanna hear it. Time for you to leave town.
[Ouch... Nick groans forlornly, as they start walking.]
Smalton Train Station
[Nancy, Nick, and the kids have gone to the Smalton train station, where Nick is standing sorrowfully next to some bushes, with a grimace on his face. Nancy walks up to him and gives him his train ticket.]
Nancy: Here's your ticket. Hank'll meet you at the Tyneeville station and get you all set up there. (OS) And, Dad?
Nick: [sighs] What?
Nancy: Don't come back.
[Nancy drives off, leaving Nick alone, and the kids dejected.]
Nick: Bye, Cricket. Bye, Tilly.
[As Nancy is driving off, she notices that the kids are feeling down, so she stops.]
The middle of a cornfield
Nancy: [sighs] Y'all get why I had to do that, right?
Tilly: Uh, not really.
Cricket: Yeah, I mean, we were having fun.
Nancy: Y'all don't know my dad, what he's really like.
Cricket: You mean like how he makes a lot of people really angry?
Tilly: Or how he'll lie to your face?
Cricket: Plus, he's, like, super irresponsible.
Tilly: And since he's been doing this kind of stuff your whole life, it seems like he's never gonna change.
Nancy: Uh... yes. That's why I didn't want him around you kids.
Cricket: I know he's a mess, but it's been kinda nice getting to know him. So he's not the best grandpa.
Tilly: But we'll be okay, because we have the best mama watching out for us.
[Nancy realizes that maybe the kids would be okay with Nick around them, and mama bear hugs them.]
Nancy: You're right. He is a lot. But he's the only grandpa you got, and you should get to spend a little time with him. And maybe you still can.
[They turn around back to the train station!]
Cricket and Tilly: Whoo-hoo!
Smalton Train Station
[But they're too late, and the train takes off.]
Tilly: Oh, no.
Cricket: Guess... that's it.
Nancy: We're too late. I'm so sorry.
Nick: Apology accepted.
Nancy: What the--
[But Nick is (still) at the train station!]
Cricket and Tilly: Grandpa Nick!
Nick: Back by popular demand. Also, I kinda need a ride.
Nancy: So, you didn't go to Tyneeville?
Nick: Ah, I was never gonna go. Oh, I did manage to trade my ticket for a, a, uh... Hmm. Where... Okay, so if anyone sees a ferret...
[Oops.]
Cricket: Oh, please, Mom, can we keep him?
Tilly: Or at least the ferret?
Nick: Don't you worry about me. I'll figure out something like always. Hmm, maybe if I sell my chest hair to a wig shop.
[Nancy looks at the kids, and then decides that:]
Nancy: Oh, all right. You can stay at my house, Dad.
[Cricket and Tilly gasp excitedly!]
Nancy: I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandpa.
Nick: Oh, boy. No fooling? You hear that, train guy? I'm staying!
Train Station Employee: No, you're banned.
Nick: I didn't mean here. Sheesh.
Nancy: But I'm not putting up with any more of your antics. Things are gonna change around here.
Nick: Change how?
Greens' country house, next morning
Backyard garden
[How, exactly, is having Nick help with chores! Him, along wth Nancy, Cricket, and Tilly are harvesting lettuce.]
Nick: Ah, I can't believe I'm doing chores like some kind of, chore-doer!
Nancy: Hey, if you don't like it, you can leave.
Nick: Jeez. Okay, okay. Your house, your rules.
Cricket: Hey, Grandpa, could you tell us another one of your wild stories?
Nick: Hmm. Let's see. Did I ever tell you about Rat-Face Dave?
Tilly: No, but I am obviously intrigued.
Nick: So the thing about Rat-Face Dave is that he's real sensitive about his rat face.
Cricket and Tilly: Ooh!