Green's house, exterior
(The Kludge pulls out the driveway.)
- Cricket: (laughing in car)
- Bill (OS): Cricket, would you just sit down, please?!
Big City streets
- Cricket: Ha- can y'all believe it? Our family is going to THE Breakfast Land!
- Gramma: Why y'all so excited about goin' to a restaurant?
- Tilly: It's not a restaurant. It's the world's premiere meal-themed amusement park!
(Fade to a map of Breakfast Land. Some kinda stock music background can be heard throughout the map)
- Cricket (OS): (Zoom into an attraction) And they've got French toast log flumes on a river of syrup, (another) (?) rollercoasters like The Scrambler.
- Tilly (OS): And there's a large donut man who gives free hugs.
(Back to reality.)
Gramma: What?! I thought we were just going to breakfast. (pointing at Bill) How could you afford a theme park?
- Bill: Tilly got us free tickets by collecting box tops.
- Tilly: I vanquished many a bowl of cereal.
- Cricket: You done good Tilly.
- Gramma: Ugh... How far is it?
- Bill: Barely over a thousand miles. (1.6 km)
- Gramma: WHAAAAAAAAT????????!
- Bill: Now settle in, the Greens are goin' on a road trip!
- Cricket and Tilly: ROAD TRIP!
- Gramma: What??? I didn't eat breakfast!!!
922 miles left
- Cricket: Now for my favorite part of road trippin'... (pulls out candy) Road snackin'.
- Tilly: Serve 'em up, brother.
- Bill: Now, kids, if you're gonna eat, you gotta promise not to make a mess.
- Cricket and Tilly: We won't!
- Alice: All this time on the open road got me thinkin'. Maybe it's time for a new pair of knittin' needles.
(Spill coming from the back is heard, the candy has spilled, Cricket and Tilly are concerned.)
- Cricket: Ooh, ah! Oops.
- Bill: What was that?
- Cricket: Uh, pothole.
- Bill: I didn't hit a pothole. Sounded like candy spillin'.
- Tilly: Is that not what potholes sound like?
- Bill: Did someone drop the granola?
- Tilly: No further questions, your honor.
- Bill: (grunting)
- Alice: There's aluminum knitting needles, of course, but with wood you get a glide smoother like a newborn's heinie.
- Cricket: (Tilly now holding a can of Splish) Hey Tilly, toss me a couple'a cans of Splish.
- Tilly: Incoming! (tosses him a can of Splish)
- Bill: Soda? Be careful, those cans don't get shakin' up and --
(SPLASH! The interior and the Greens are now soaked in Splish.)
- Cricket: Uh Gramma you were sayin'?
- Gramma: Now, yarn wise, there's wool blend, mole hair, let's not forget alpaca fiber.
834 miles left
- Cricket: Awwww!! How much longer?!
- Bill: Taking into account restaurants, meals, motels, we'll be there in about three days.
- Cricket: That's too long. We gotta get to Breakfast Land! I know what we can do-- a thunder run!
- Tilly: Yeah!
- Alice: What is a thunder run?
- Cricket: We'll drive the whole way with no stops. Knock this trip in one day.
- Tilly: Why is it called a thunder run?
- Cricket: Because that's my name for it.
- Bill: Doesn't matter what it's called. It's impossible. What about gas?
- Cricket: The thunder is our fuel.
- Alice: That don't make no sense.
- Tilly: Why not call it a lightning run?
- Cricket: Dang it, Tilly, get on board. It's already got on board.
- Bill: What about bathroom breaks?
- Cricket: We got an empty jar, don't we?
- Bill: Cricket.
- Cricket: Come on everybody. Thunder run, thunder run.
- Tilly: Lightning run, lightning run.
- Cricket: Tilly!
- Alice: "Lightning run" does have a nice ring to it.
- Bill: Oh, like how lightning is fast.
- Cricket: What?
- Bill, Tilly, and Alice: (now chanting) Lightning run, lighting run!
- Cricket: AAAHHHH!!!!
612 Miles left
(Peace and quiet; then a fly splats on the windshield.)
- Bill: Whoa.
- Tilly: (while wearing a sleep mask) ...Did we hit something?
- Bill: Uh, no sweetie.
- Alice: What are you talking about? A dad-gummed bird just exploded on--
- Cricket: Gramma, shh! You know Tilly is with animals. She'd be heartbroken if she knew we killed a bug.
- Tilly: (still wearing sleep mask) Y'all talking about bugs? Cute, little, precious bugs?
- Cricket: What are you wanting for, dad? Destroy the evidence.
- Bill: Oh, right.
(Bill turns on the wipers; the fly doesn't come off easy.)
- Bill: Ugh.
- Cricket: Ugh. It's making it worse.
(Tilly's still snoring happily.)
- Bill: Oh, gosh, where's the washer fluid?
(The wipers are still on; now he turns on the water sprayer.)
- Bill: Come on, come on, come on.
- Alice: (singing while her eyes closed) ♫ Rock-a-bye and goodnight. Go back to sleep, little Tilly. ♫
- Cricket: Yeah, Tilly, this is a dream. Go back to sleep so you can wake up.
- Bill: We're good.
- Alice and Cricket: Phew.
(Tilly yawns, then takes off her sleeping mask.)
- Tilly: What a nap. So, what'd I miss?
- Alice: Nothing at all, sweet pea.
(Then comes multiple flies, splatting on the windshield! The Greens scream in terror.)
519 Miles Left
(Now they're at a Burger Clown.)
- Female Burger Clown employee (OS): Welcome to Burger Clown. May I take your order?
- Alice: I'll have a plate of "la-zagna."
- Bill: They don't have that. And it's lasagna.
- Tilly: Just get me a cup of hot water.
- Bill: No, order food.
- Alice: Fine. I'll have your fancy lasagna.
- Bill: They don't have lasagna.
- Alice: Well, you suggested it.
- Cricket: Uh, for my Snappy Meal, instead of a burger, I want another toy. And instead of fries, I want another toy. Just make sure they don't give me the blue guy. I already got the blue guy.
- Bill: We're here for food.
- Tilly: OK, Papa, I'll have a side of ketchup packets with my hot water. Hello? Tomato soup.
- Cricket: You hear me, burger clown? No blue guy.
- Bill: Cricket, you play with those things once, and then I'm stepping on them for months.
- Cricket: You stepped on my toy? Which one?
- Bill: I don't know -- the blue one.
- Cricket: (angrily) Are you serious?!
- Female Burger Clown employee (OS): Sir, your order.
- Bill: GIVE ME A DOZEN BURGERS!!!!
- Alice: That's not what we wanted.
- Bill: THEY'RE FOR ME!!!
313 Miles left
(It is at this point Bill is getting exhausted; he yawns.)
- Bill: I'm getting tuckered out. Ma, you mind taking a turn driving.
(The next day, the Greens swap their seats: Gramma has taken Bill's place as driver while Bill is sitting on the shotgun seat.)
- Alice: Dang, boy, where'd you learn to snore like that? Didn't get it from me, I tell you what.
(A few hours later, the Greens swap again: Bill now has full control of the Kludge and Gramma sleeping on the shotgun seat, Cricket and Tilly still sleeping behind them. All the while, Gramma is muttering while sleeping.)
- Bill: Yeesh, Ma, snore much?
(The next morning, Gramma is driving and Cricket is on the shotgun seat.)
- Cricket: ♫ Barry Cuda, Barry Cuda ♫
- Alice: Zip your lips, or I'll leave you at the next gas station.
(Cricket continues to sing. Some time later, Bill is driving the Kludge with Tilly sitting on shotgun seat; Gramma and Cricket sleep behind them.)
- Tilly: I spy with my little eye, something--
- Bill: Is it me again?
- Tilly: It is!
- Bill: You know, you can pick other things.
- Tilly: I spy what I spy.
(The next morning... Cricket's on the wheel! The parents are sleeping behind them, and Tilly is riding shotgun.)
- Tilly: Your exit's coming up, so you're gonna wanna get over.
- Bill: (wakes up) What? Cricket? How did you-- (okay, he's at the back now; realizing Cricket is driving, he screams) WWWWHHHHAAAATTTTTT?????!!!!!!!
- Cricket: Relax, Dad. Oh, you made me miss our turn.
- Tilly: I told you you'd wanna get over.
0 miles left
- Bill: Hey, someone ask me, are we there yet?
- Tilly and Cricket: Are we there yet?
- Bill: Yes!
- Tilly and Cricket: Woo-hoo!
- Alice: Finally.
- Bill: Oh, here comes the sign.
(Cut to an outside view of the Kludge...)
- The Greens' family: Breakfast Land! Breakfast Land! Breakfast Land!...
(...and they arrive! And there we have it; the Greens have finally reached Breakfast... World.)
- Cricket (OS): Wait, why does that sign say Breakfast World?
- Bill: What are you talking about, son?
- Tilly: Papa, my cereal box tops earned us tickets to Breakfast Land.
- Bill: World, land; same thing, right?
- Cricket: Oh, my gosh!!!
(Now the Greens realize that Breakfast Land is on the other side of the country. Which means...)
- Tilly: Sweet, sweet Papa. You drove us to the wrong amusement park.
- Alice: Nice going, you dang ding-dong.
- Bill: Well, I didn't know there were two of them.
- Cricket: BREAKFAST LAND'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY!
- Tilly: What are we gonna do now?
- Bill: Well, that's only 2500 miles away. I'm actually happy to get back on the road, you know?
- Cricket: Nope.
- Tilly: Uh-uh.
- Alice: You are a sick man.
(Now the card reads "2500 Miles Left"; then we cut to the title. End.)