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"Heat Beaters"
"Bill-iever" Next:
"Shark Objects"

Greens' house, Garage

(Episode title appears on a discarded UFO toy; Cricket rummages through a box near the tractor.)

Cricket: Okay, old garage, what wonders do you have for me to discover today?

(He takes out a children's book.)

Cricket: Hey, Ralphie Rodent's Birthday Bash!? But Dad and Tilly said this got run over by the lawnmower!

(He presses a button which starts the book's electronic music.)

Ralphie Rodent: ♫ Happy, happy, birthday, birthday! ♫ (x3)

(At first Cricket bobs his head and enjoys it, then he suddenly stop and cringes.)

Cricket: Ugh!! Okay, that is pretty annoying.

(He tosses the book behind him; it hits one particular object under a tarp, causing its headlights to turn on. He pulls off the tarp to reveal...)

Cricket: (gasps) Gramma's old-person mobility scooter?!? (laughs and sits on it) Hoo boy, I could have some fun with this! (stops) Wait, what would dad say about such a new, fun and exciting idea? Hmm...

(He imagines Bill as a giant scolding him.)

Cricket (As Bill): NO! NO FUN EVER! I HATE FUN!

(He tosses the scooter far into the sky and away.)


(Fantasy ends.)

Cricket: (gasps) That sounds just like him!


(Cricket exits the garage.)

Cricket: If I'm gonna ride that thing without dad knowin', I gotta be real careful.

(He slips off.)

That night

(In the evening, he comes right back in his pajamas humming and opens the door, stopping for a minute to check for intruders. Moments later, he is sitting on the scooter which is set up before a rusted car hood propped up by some cinder blocks to be used as a ramp.)

Cricket: Heh-heh-heh...that's what I'm talkin' about. Okay, now, what's the button that makes this thing go -- (presses a button; off he goes!) OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(He jumps right off the hood, up into the night sky; then he flops down, right into the pumpkin patch. He turns over.)

Cricket: Ho-ho! I must've gotten like, ten feet of lift off that thi-i...

(Pull back; the scooter has not stopped, and is now driving in circles around the patch, ruining the pumpkins.)

Cricket: Wha...huh?! OH MY GOSH! DAD'S GARDEN!!

(The cornstalks are ruined, followed by more pumpkins and Dad's garden sign. Cricket realizes the error of his ways...)

Cricket: Oh...what have I done!?!

(With a cornstalk tied to the back wheel, the scooter drives back into the garage and bumps against a dresser, stopping as the door slams shut, leaving the cornstalk poking out from underneath.)

Cricket: Well, at least everyone's asleep, right...?

Bill: (from inside) What the heck was that?!

Cricket: Oh, nononononono!!

(He flees just as Bill, Tilly and Gramma come out.)

Bill: I don't know what could've made all that racket if --

(They stop and gasp at the sight of the destroyed garden.)


Garage door

(Cricket sees this, fearfully.)

Cricket: All right, Cricket, if you wanna survive the wrath of Dad's anger, this is gonna have to be your best...performance...ever.

Ruined garden

Bill: MY CROPS!!

Tilly: Who would do such a thing?!

(Cricket rushes over and pretends to pant.)

Cricket: (acting) OH MY GOSH! What happened!!??

Bill: Cricket?! What did you do?!

Cricket: Me? Oh, yeah, it's ALWAYS! Cricket! You're givin' me a complex!

Bill: Because it IS always you!

Cricket: Eh, this time it isn't! I swear! This is far too big a mess for a little guy like me! (walks over to the garden) Nooo, nononononono, this was something much bigger! There are mysteries in this world our little minds just can't understand! Who KNOWS what's out there?!

(He stares at the sky, and the others do as well...)

Tilly: ...Like aliens?

Cricket: Yes. It was ALIENS!

Tilly: (thinking) Aliens?

Gramma: (impressed) Aliens!

Bill: (not buying it) ALIENS?!

Cricket: Th-this must be one of those -- (gasps) Crop circle thingies.

Tilly, Gramma: Crop circle thingies...

Bill: (blocking them) Okay, that is enough!! Aliens aren't real! You know how susceptible these two are to suggestion!

Gramma: I believe the boy.

Tilly: Aliens are literally the only explanation that makes sense.

Cricket: Dad! Dad! The truth is not down here. (points at his heart) The truth... (looks at the sky) Is out there.

(The others stare at the sky for a moment.)

Bill: Okay...everyone back inside.

Cricket and Tilly's bedroom

(The kids enter their bedroom as Bill calls after.)

Bill: Cricket, I don't know how you ruined the garden...But I'm gonna figure it out. (closes door)

(Cricket gulps; he crawls into his hammock.)

Cricket: All right, Cricket, tonight was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. Just gotta stay the course and double down on my lie.

Backyard, next morning

(The rooster crows; Tilly is writing a message on a balloon that reads: "Welcome aliens! Love, Tilly.")

Tilly: Hopefully, these'll reach their spaceship.

(Gramma is also writing a balloon message.)

Tilly: I wanna be on their good side.

(She lets her balloon go; Gramma's message says, "Park here 4 cheap.")

Gramma: If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Bill: (walks over) Guys! You do realize it's Cricket, right?

Gramma: The aliens eat the nonbelievers first.

Bill: Ugh... (goes over to the ruined garden) I know it was Cricket. I just gotta prove it.

(He kneels down and puts on some glasses as the balloons are released.)

Bill: There must be somethin' I'm missin'. Hmm...

(Andromeda suddenly appears next to him, mouth full of cheese poofs.)

Andromeda: (muffled) What you're missing is the truth! And it's aliens! (munches)

Bill: Who are you and why are you here?

Cricket: Dad, this is Andromeda.

Bill: Oh, yeah...Tilly's friend. (shakes her hand)

Cricket: A-a-and alien expert!

Tilly: (calling after) Andromeda! Didja see that aliens visited our house?!

Andromeda: I did! And it's AWESOOOME!!

Bill: (flatly) Okay, great.

Cricket: (feeling around) So, Andromeda, what's your on this whole...situation?

Andromeda: Hold my cheese poofs. (hands him the bag; in robot voice) ALIEN SCAN INITIATING. (hobbles around) Beep! Beep! Zwoop, zwoop! Zwibbity zwalien! Show me the alien!! (tosses gems) Hmm...

Cricket: So...what does it say?

Andromeda: The aliens were here and they wanna lay egg sacs in your garden.

Cricket: (gasps) We're gonna be daddies!

Bill: (still not buying it, taking glasses off) Cricket, I am giving you to the count of ten to come clean and confess!

Cricket: (terrified) Oh...OOOOKAY!! (slides Andromeda away) Thank you, Andromeda! Time to go home!

Front yard

Cricket: Ooookay...Dad's not believin' it.

Andromeda: (pats his head) Don't worry! The government will be here soon.

Cricket: Hmm... Government, you say? (smirks)


(Bill is holding a broken ear of corn.)

Bill: Aww...poor little ear of corn. Ya never had a chance.

Gramma: Ya gonna cry?

(Suddenly, a pink-skinned man in black arrives behind them and examines the garden.)

Agent: Hmm... (nibbles at a leaf) Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm. (stands and whispers into his watch)

Bill: (confused) Hm? (walks up to him) Uh...excuse me?

(He doesn't respond; Bill tries to get the agent's attention.)

Bill: Excuse me? Hello?

Agent: (grabs him) WHERE WERE YOU AT EXACTLY 11:00 PM LAST NIGHT!?!?

Bill: What? W-what kind of a question is tha --

Agent: Did you see any suspicious activity? Any lights? And bright, bright lights at night?

Bill: I...I...

Agent: Any giant glassy eyeballs? Perhaps compound, like a bug's?

Bill: Well, it's possible I missed somethin', but I -- (coming clear) I mean, no! Of course, I didn't see anything like that!

Agent: That's right, you didn't see anything.

(He brings out a neuralizer device and holds it in Bill's face.)

Bill: What? (Flash!) AAAAGH!! Now you can't just -- (opens eyes; sees the agent has vanished) What the...? He just...

(The agent is running away behind him.)

Bill: ...Disappeared.

In an ally

(The agent meets up with Cricket and Remy tired.)

Cricket: Oh-ho, man! Grrrreat job!

(The agent pulls off his face to reveal he's really Vasquez in disguise.)

Vasquez: Thank you, Master Cricket.

Remy: That was some pretty convincing acting, Vasquez. How'd you do it?

Vasquez: I'm takin' a class in dramatic theater at my community college.

(They applaud as he bows.)

Remy: Ooooooh!

Cricket: Ah, very nice.

Greens' House, backyard

Cricket: (peeks around the house wall) Well, let's see if my big Billy fish is bitin'.

(Tilly and Gramma are now making welcome signs.)

Bill: I'm tellin' ya it was real strange. The man was snoopin' around, takin' photos, and then he just vanished into thin air! This whole thing is like somethin'...

(As they continue, Phoenix walks behind them.)

Tilly: Somethin' from another world? Yes, Papa, it's aliens.

(She shows her picture, an alien's head with the caption "I believe.")

Bill: Yes!...I mean, no! Look, I'm tryin' to say I'm startin' to think the damage wasn't caused by Cricket.

Cricket: (gasps) Oh, he's buyin' it!!

(Phoenix suddenly tugs at the cornstalk sticking out from under the garage door -- clearly something Cricket completely forgot.)

Phoenix: Oh, what'cha got there, girl?

(Cricket sees this and is mortified.)



(Bill opens the door; he sees the scooter's muddy tracks on the floor which lead to a stack of boxes. He parts them away to reveal the scooter, dirty all over. He finally realizes the truth.)

Bill: (dryly) Oh...what a shame.


Bill: (walks up to Tilly and Gramma, stern) Tilly, where's your brother?

Tilly: Oh, he said he was real tired and just went runnin' and runnin' away...he ran to bed!

(Bill is furious.)

Gramma (OS): Must've been pretty tired. It's only 4:00 PM.

Bill: Mmm-hmm...

Cricket and Tilly's bedroom

(Bill opens the door to the dark room and sees Cricket lying in his hammock; his shadow looms over him.)

Bill: (angry, but calm) Hello, son.

(Zoom back to reveal Cricket pretending to sleep in fear knowing what he's about to face.)

Bill: Going to bed early, I see. (walks up to him) Nothing's more important than a full eight hours.

(Cricket whimpers in fright as Bill reaches him.)

Bill: Rest up. You're gonna need it for tomorrow. (into his ear) Good night, son.

(He kisses his cheek and leaves. Right when the door closes, Cricket sits up and gasps in horror.)

Cricket: Oh, man! Come mornin', I'm gonna be in a royal heap o' trouble! If I'm gonna have any chance of survival, I need to get Dad to believe in aliens! Tonight!

Bill's bedroom, that night

(Bill is fast asleep in bed; a green light shines through the window from outside, causing him to wake up.)

Bill: Huh? (sits up) What the?

Dining room

(He goes to the back door, which opens to reveal an ominous green fog.)

Bill: Hello?


(More fog.)

Bill: Hello? Who's out there?!

(From an eerie green light comes a makeshift alien obviously being operated.)

Cricket: (from inside, amplified) Billllll...

Bill: Ohmygosh!! It can't be!!

Cricket: It is! (pans down to show him speaking through a pipe) I'm a real, live alien!

(Shows the fog is being made from a fog machine thanks to a box of Halloween decorations, followed by a spotlight and a green party light.)

Cricket (OS): Now that you see that I'm real, there's no need to punish your son! (shows him) I destroyed your garden!

Bill: But...but I thought Cricket rode the scooter!

Cricket: I rode the scooter!

Bill: (flipping out) Tell me this ain't real! Tell me I'm dreamin'!

Cricket: If I wasn't real, could I do this? (throws an apple at Bill, hitting him on the head)


Cricket: Yes, but the important part is that your son did not do anything wrong! Well, it's been nice chatting, but the mothership awaits!

(He disappears into the light; Bill is completely bewildered.)


Cricket and Tilly's bedroom, next day

(The rooster crows; Cricket gets out of bed.)

Cricket: Now to see if my plan worked.

Kitchen/Dining room

Cricket: (fakes yawning; acting) What a wonderful night of sleep. (opens fridge and gets an apple juice box) And how's my fine family doin' on this fine mornin'? Hey, did anyone see those crazy lights last night? Puh. Weird, huh?

(Up ahead of him is a deranged Bill sitting at the dining room table with a 5:00 shadow under a dim light, with a huge plate of mashed potatoes before him.)

Bill: Hello, son. Come eat your mashed potatoes.

Cricket: (walks up, sips, sits down confused) Mashed potatoes for breakfast? Okay...

Bill: (sculpts his potatoes into the shape of an alien) It's all become so clear to me now. (shows it to him) This is the alien I saw last night. (pushes forward another sculpture of himself) And this is me having every illusion I've ever held shattered.

Cricket: Well...I'm glad all that is resolved now, and...

(He appears reflected in Bill's eyes, which are red, veiny, and tearing slightly.)

Cricket: We can all just go back to normal!

Bill: Yes...normale...

(Cricket is very confused, yet stunned by this odd behavior.)

Cricket: Huh. I like what you're sayin', not so much how you're sayin' it.

Bill: Son, you've really opened my eyes. (walks away)

Cricket: I-if you say so...

(He gets off and walks, only to see Tilly and Gramma before him wearing tinfoil hats on their heads; he sputters and sprays his juice.)

Gramma: (same deranged manner as Bill) Did ya hear the news? Your dad believes in aliens now! He had some kind of awakenin' in his sleep!

Tilly: (also deranged) He finally came to the light.

Cricket: Yes...yes, it's real good. Uh...but let's go back to talkin' about normal stuff. Just bein' real normal. Uh...Tilly, what's ol' Saxon up to?

Tilly: (holds up Saxon wearing a tinfoil hat) Saxon is ready for the arrival, Cricket. Are you?

Gramma: (holds out a tinfoil hat) Now put your brain shield on.

Cricket: (backing away) Uh...

(Bill suddenly passes, wearing nothing but his underwear.)

Cricket: Was that...DAD?! (follows him)

Front yard

Cricket: (looks out the front door)!!

(Zoom back; Bill is wearing a tinfoil hat and holding two ends of an outlet.)


(He plugs them together; lights on the roof come on in the shape of the message, "WELCOME ALIENS." Cricket instantly realizes his mistake.)

Cricket: Oh, no, I broke Dad's brain!!

(A car pulls up.)

Pink daughter: (gasps) Christmas! (Bill glomps against the window) AGH!!

Bill: Every day is Christmas when the aliens are here!!

Pink daughter: You're not Santa! (The car drives away.)

Bill: Spread the good news!! (to a purple woman) Ma'am! ALIENS!!

Purple woman: AAAGH!! (runs away)

Bill: C'mon, folks! Where ya goin'?! No one's listenin' to me. I'll just have to scream LOUDER!

Cricket: Uh...Dad? Let's just keep the aliens to ourselves for a little while... (hears thumping) Oh no, not the roof!!!

(Bill is climbing a ladder to the roof; Cricket stops him.)

Cricket: Gramma, help!! Oh, why're you in your underwear!!??

Bill: (kicks him away) It's less resistance for the tractor beam!

(Tilly and Gramma have joined.)

Gramma: Hey, atta boy, Billy boy!

Tilly: Spread the good word!

Cricket: You guys aren't HELPING!

Bill: (on the roof) The aliens are my overlords now... (on megaphone) And I am hereby revoking my life of a humble farmer to be a servent for our alien masters!

(Citizens start gathering round.)

Bill: Who is with me!?!

Cricket: What?!

(The people start to laugh.)

Yellow man: Look at this guy! What a fool!

Cricket: I gotta help him!! (rushes to the garage)

Bill: Now I don't know what the bathroom situation is on Mars, so... (inhales) Try to go before we leave!

(Here comes Cricket in his alien getup.)

Cricket: Billllll... You're freaking out everyone that loves you!

Bill: You came back! (runs over) The others won't believe me! (drags him onto the roof) You can eat them first... Everyone! The alien's returned! I was tellin' the truth!!

Pink woman: (holds out her phone) This just keeps getting better!

(The rest of the onlookers have phones out as well; they laugh out loud at the nonsense.)

Cricket: (peeks out from inside, worried) Uh...

(Bill is being filmed on the cameras)

Bill: Now if everyone could please strip down for the tractor beam! (braces himself) Goodbye, Earth.

(Cricket is dumbfounded.)

Cricket: DAD!! DAD, LISTEN!! Ah, he's too far gone!

(He plucks out the alien head with his rake hand; it hits Bill from behind, snapping him out.)

Bill: What the...?

(He looks down at the false alien head, then up at Cricket who cannot hold it any longer.)

Cricket: Dad!! There was no alien!! (throws robe away) It was me!!! (tearing up) I lied about the whole thing!

(The robe lands on the ground; the people gasp.)

Cricket: (removing stilts) I rode the scooter! I destroyed your garden! I put on stilts in an alien costume and I LIED! I LIED I LIED I LIED!!! (crawls up to him and grabs his cheeks) I'm so sorry...!!! I just didn't wanna get in trouble! Oh, please say somethin'! Anything!!!

(Zoom to the face of a speechless Bill. After a beat...)

Bill: (looks down and smirks) ...I flip-flappin' knew it.

Cricket: (shocked) Wha--what...?!

Bill: GOTCHA!!! WHOO-HOOOOOO!! YOU LOOK SO RIDICULOUS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! (picks up Cricket and laughs) Ma, catch our little alien.

(He tosses him down to them; Tilly and Gramma are just as bewildered as Cricket.)

Gramma: I gotta say, (catches Cricket) I did not see this comin'.

Bill: (climbing down) Son, isn't it so much easier to tell the truth? It would've saved us both a whole lotta trouble if you'd just admitted it.

Cricket: (stammers a bit; hangs head in defeat) got me good, Dad...

Tilly: You're such a great actor, Papa! You knew aliens didn't exist the whole time?

Bill: (chuckles) Yep! The...whole time! (gathers them up) All right, let's all just get inside.

(He leads them in as the onlookers are not amused and leave.)

Purple man: Wow. That's it?

Pink woman: Well, that was a weird ending.

ve Episode Transcripts
Season 1 1. Space Chicken/Steak Night • 2. Cricket Versus/Blue Tater • 3. Swimming Fool/Tilly's Goat • 4. Cricketsitter/Backflip Bill • 5. Gramma's License/Bear Trapped • 6. Photo Op/Remy Rescue • 7. Gridlocked/Mama Bird • 8. Welcome Home/Raccooned • 9. Fill Bill/Critterball Crisis • 10. Parade Day/DIY Guys • 11. Gargoyle Gals/Supermarket Scandal • 12. Barry Cuda/Suite Retreat • 13. Family Legacy/Paint Misbehavin' • 14. Rated Cricket/Homeshare Hoedown • 15. Cricket's Shoes/Feud Fight • 16. Breaking News/Cyberbullies • 17. Tilly Tour/Dinner Party • 18. Coffee Quest/Phoenix Rises • 19. Blood Moon • 20. Big Deal/Forbidden Feline • 21. Uncaged • 22. Harvest Dinner/Winner Winner • 23. Night Bill/Cheap Snake • 24. Hiya Henry/People Watching • 25. Valentine's Dance/Green Streets • 26. Hurty Tooth/Sleepover Sisters • 27. Trailer Trouble/Mansion Madness • 28. Park Pandemonium/Cricket's Biscuits • 29. Skunked/Axin' Saxon • 30. Cricket's Place/Volunteer Tilly
Season 2 1. Cricket's Kapowie/Car Trouble • 2. Urban Legend/Wishing Well • 3. Elevator Action/Bad Influencer • 4. Green Christmas • 5. Reckoning Ball/Clubbed • 6. Impopstar/Football Camp • 7. Heat Beaters/Bill-iever • 8. Shark Objects/Dream Weaver • 9. Level Up/Wild Side • 10. Garage Tales/Animal Farm • 11. Desserted/The Gifted • 12. Time Crisis/Gramma Driver • 13. Tilly Style/I, Farmbot • 14. Friend Con/Flimflammed • 15. Greens' Acres/Dolled Up • 16. Gabriella's Fella/Cheap Show • 17. Green Mirror/Cricket's Tickets • 18. Times Circle/Super Gramma! • 19. Present Tense/Hurt Bike • 20. Quiet Please/Chipwrecked • 21. Chipocalypse Now • 22. 'Rent Control/Pool's Gold • 23. Big Resolution/Winter Greens • 24. Mages & Mazes/Okay Karaoke • 25. Date Night/The Room • 26. Bleeped/Sellouts • 27. Fast Foodie/Spaghetti Theory • 28. Ding Dongers/Animation Abomination • 29. The Van/Bat Girl • 30. Cousin Jilly/Gloria's Café
Season 3 TBA