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Transcript
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"Cricket's Kapowie"
"Car Trouble" Next:
"Urban Legend"

Green's House, front yard

(Episode title appears on the Kludge's license plate.)

Bill: Okay, family. Last night, I had a dream, and in that dream, I had a vision.

Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: Uh-huh?

Bill: People always come to us for vegetables, but why don't we go to them? I give you...Green Family Farm Vegetable Delivery!

(He places a sticker for such on the Kludge door; they give him approved comments.)

Gramma: Good idea, boy!

Bill: And I've already got a bunch of orders, so, let's hit the road!

(But after one small pat, the door's mirror falls off.)

Cricket: Dad, I think the mirror fell off.

Bill: (chuckles, readjusts it) It's fine!

(Now the front bumper falls; he reaches for it.)

Tilly: A-are you sure the truck can handle all these deliveries?

Bill: W-w-what are you talkin' about?! This ol' girl has withered many astorm! Plus...the Kludge is the only vehicle we have, so it's gonna have to work.

(He struggles to press the pedals; a bit of backfiring, and the Kludge begins to move lumply.)

Bill: And we're off!

Street

(The Kludge is now on the road; the drivers complain because of its backfiring.)

One of the drivers: Your car stinks! And you stink! Get off the road!

Cricket: Dad, these other cars seem kinda angry at us.

Bill: (head full of sweat) Quiet, Cricket. Daddy's concentrating.

Tilly: (sitting on several seat springs) How long is this is gonna take? Because I think my spine is resitting.

Gramma: (trying to buckle her seatbelt) And I can't get these dang seatbelts to click!

Bill (OS): Oop! Pothole!

(A bump briefly sends Gramma off her feet.)

Gramma: Agh!! Oof.

Cricket: Dad, this truck is literally falling apart! (falls through the floor) Whoa!! WHOAAAAAAAA!!!

Bill: (pulls him up) Gosh, don't stand so hard, Cricket! Oh! Hey, look! We're here!

(Shows their destination as...)

Bill (OS): BigTech Headquarters!

Rest of Greens: Wow...

Cricket: Wow, Remy told me about this place! They make all kinds of cool stuff!

BigTech, parking lot

Bill: Aaaaaaand...made it!

(The Kludge finally stops; they get out panting.)

Bill: Hello! Green Family Farms! Fresh vegetable delivery! Did anyone order vegetables?

(Here comes a bespectacled purple woman riding on a jetpack.)

Woman: Yes, me!

Bill: Huh?

Woman: Hello. I'm Gwendolyn Zapp, the incredibly wealthy, incredibly smart CEO of BigTech! (takes off jetpack) Go home, boy!

Jetpack: Bark, bark. (flies away)

Woman (Gwendolyn): I could end all the world's problems, but instead, I choose to invent things like...robo-pants!

(A male worker comes in with what she mentioned.)

Male Worker: Miss Zapp, we need to do a major recall on the robo-pants! (the pants repeatedly kick him) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Gwendolyn: So where are those local organic vegetables I ordered?

Bill: Oh, right! Ha-ha...lemmie just get 'em outta my truck.

(He shows the nearly broke Kludge.)

Gwendolyn: A-ga-ga-what?! A Kludge! I had one of these when I was a teen!

Bill: Yeah, she's a classic. But she's definitely lost some of her charm.

Gwendolyn: She's perfect. Just perfect! Have you Greens, by chance, heard of the Vrum?

(She activates a remote which brings out a futuristic car.)

Gwendolyn: It's my latest invention!

Vrum: (female computerized voice; waves with wheel) Hello, Green Family.

Bill: Wow! That's a good-lookin' vehicle.

Cricket: It's more than just pretty! I've heard of this! It's got everything! Like a cray-cray button that makes the car go so fast, I heard it blew a guy's lips off!

Gwendolyn: That's right! But we gave that man a pair of robo-lips, and now he can say any word in the dictionary! Except "lawsuit".

Greens: Wow.

Gwendolyn: (to herself) Oh, what's that, brain? Another genius idea. (to the Greens) Hey! How about if I give you a brand new Vrum?

Cricket, Tilly: Wha?!

Bill: Really?!

Gwendolyn: In exchange for your old Kludge.

Bill: Trade in the Kludge? She has been actin' up lately. What do you think, kids?

Tilly: What?! Say yes! Say yes!

Cricket: Dad, it's a robo-car!

Gramma: If you're thinkin' about this for more than five seconds, you're an idiot.

Bill: Well, okay! (hands her the keys) Take good care of her, will ya?

Gwendolyn: (in the Kludge) You Greens are OUT OF THIS WORRRRRRLLLLLLLLD!!!! (drives away)

Cricket: She's funny.

(Vrum's power up sound is heard.)

Vrum: I am your new Vrum. It is my job to serve you. (opens trunk) Here, let me take those off your hands.

(Out come two claws which take the crates of vegetables out of Bill's hands and pull them inside.)

Bill: Oh!

Vrum: Vegetables loaded.

Bill: Well, I've never seen a car do that before.

(Now the claws grab himself, Tilly and Gramma and pull them inside.)

Tilly, Bill, Gramma: Whoa!

Vrum: Three passengers loaded. (closes roof) Scanning for fourth passenger.

(Cricket appears and jumps on the Vrum's shield.)

Cricket: Ahh! The Vrum hit me! Blehhhhh! Pfffft! Just kiddin'. Scared you, huh?

Vrum: Problem child detected.

(The claw pulls Cricket inside as he laughs.)

Inside Vrum

(The Greens voice wows at the Vrum's interior; the flashing screen on the dashboard with a smiley face gets their attention.)

Vrum: Hello, Green family. What would you like to call me?

Bill: Gosh. I've never had to name a car before, so...I want it to be good...

Cricket: (pushes Bill aside) Dr. Bubblebutt! Dr. Bubblebutt!!

Vrum: My name is: Dr. Bubblebutt. (Name appears on screen)

Bill: Uh...no. I'd like to change the name, please.

Vrum (now "Dr. Bubblebutt"): I cannot fulfill your request. Name locked forever.

(Bill frowns at Cricket.)

Bill: This car sure is full of surprises.

Dr. Bubblebutt: Laser scan initiating.

Bill: What's that -- (a laser scans him) AHHHH!!! KIDS, HELP! IT'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

(The front mirrors adjust themselves.)

Dr. Bubblebutt: Scan complete. Mirrors adjusted. Also, I noticed an impacted molar.

Bill: (holding mouth) Oh, now that you mention it, I -- (a claw fiddles in his mouth and removes the tooth) Hey, now that's pretty neat!

Dr. Bubblebutt: You're welcome.

Cricket: This car's incredible!

Bill: (chuckles) You're right! Now, who's ready to deliver some veggies?

(The Greens cheer. Bill puts Dr. Bubblebutt in gear and presses the gas, sending it on its way.)

Highway

(They approach someone.)

Orange dude: Whoa! Hey!

Bill: Is that guy talkin' to us? No, an awesome dude like that wouldn't be kind to get my attention.

Cricket: Yes he is! Open the window!

(Roof opens.)

Bill: Uh, can I help you?

Orange dude: Cool car. You must be a cool guy.

Bill: (chuckles) Yeah, I guess I am.

Orange dude: Cool.

Bill: See ya, friend.

(He takes off, sending the guy's car spinning.)

Orange dude: Whoawhoawhoawhoa!! Super cool!

Inside Dr. Bubblebutt

Cricket: Hey, Dr. Bubblebutt, (repeatedly bangs on Dr. Bubblebutt's screen) you got any games in there?

Dr. Bubblebutt: Fussy baby. Detected in front seat.

Cricket: "Fussy baby"?

Dr. Bubblebutt: (brings out a bottle) Attempting to pacify.

Cricket: How dare you! I'm not a baby -- (sees a cookie come out) Huh? Oooooh! Uh, yeah...I'm a fussy baby! (takes them) Ga-ga, goo-goo! (drinks the bottle)

(In the backseat...)

Tilly, Gramma: Wow...

Tilly: (flipping through a screen of chair options) Sure are a lot more seat settings than the Kludge.

Gramma: The Kludge only had one setting: awful! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go hard on the massage setting.

(She taps an icon which makes her chair vibrate and wave.)

Gramma: Oh, yeah...oh, baby! Tilly! Look at how relaxed I am!

Tilly: (chuckles) Yes... (chuckles) Well, this list is certainly a buffet of delights.

(Shows she is on page 2 of 1357.)

Tilly: And I will gorge on them all. (chuckles) Let's try...this one.

(She presses one icon; the back of her seat folds back like a bed.)

Tilly: Oh! Very nice. (her chair vibrates) Orrrrr this one! (upside down) Or this one. (chair coated in spikes) NOT THIS ONE! (spinning around) Or...this ooooonnnnneeee!!! (in the bottom of a bird body) Oh, cute!...But unnecessary.

Bill: Hey, how about some music -- (slams hand on Dr. Bubblebutt's screen) OW!

Dr. Bubblebutt: (shows frowning face) Is something wrong?

Bill: Just lookin' for the radio knob. Where are all the knobs?

Dr. Bubblebutt: Oh! I use air knobs. Just pretend to turn it on here. (points an arrow to the left)

Bill: Huh. Weird. But, okay... (moves hand around) Here? I-I don't know what I'm doin'!

Dr. Bubblebutt: No, not that one.

(The trunk springs one of their crates out of the trunk and onto someone else's windshield.)

Female driver: AUGH!!

Bill: Oh, geeze! The Kludge woulda never done that. Dr. Bubblebutt, you're a little more complicated than my old truck.

Dr. Bubblebutt: You're doing great. (shows thumbs up)

Cricket: (holding two cookies) You know what else would be great? Some more milk with these cookies. (repeatedly bangs on screen) How do you do it? Is it here, or...?

Dr. Bubblebutt: (screen turns red) Unsafe levels of button pressing detected. Baby on lockdown.

Cricket: Huh? (chair folds back) WHOA! (a blanket wraps around him) Frazzum frazzum thing!!

(Gramma's chair is still massaging, while Tilly's is now moving back and forth.)

Gramma: Oooooooh...

Tilly: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (the chair stops) Finally! I've done it! (sees she went through the whole list) I've gone through all the seat options! I can rest now. (leans back and closes her eyes)

(The screen lights up with a sound.)

Tilly: (opens her eyes, sees the screen) Huh?

Dr. Bubblebutt: Seat options, volume 2, loading.

Tilly: Oh, no. MORE choices!?! The Kludge would never overwhelm me like this!! (thuds head on screen; hears beep) Hmm?

Dr. Bubblebutt: Waffle mode activated.

Tilly: Oh...no, no, no! No -- (the chair folds in all the way, squishing her) Gramma...help...!!

(Gramma's chair is still massaging.)

Gramma: (mumbling indistinctly)

Silverway Bridge

(On the bridge, there is a huge traffic jam.)

Bill: Ugh, just look at this traffic! It's backed up all across the bridge! I hope we're not late for our delivery.

Cricket: Hit the cray-cray button! Hit the cray-cray button! (excitedly reaches for it and squeals)

Dr. Bubblebutt: (grabs Cricket's wrist with a claw) Bad baby. Baby now under car arrest.

(Claws stick a pacifier in Cricket's mouth and put a baby bonnet on his head; he angrily sucks the pacifier as he is held in place while a mobile is lowered and a lullaby plays.)

Bill: Hey, Dr. Bubblebutt, I don't suppose there's anything you can do about this traffic. At this rate, we're gonna be late for our delivery.

Dr. Bubblebutt: I am here to serve. Initiating magnetic wheels.

(The wheels gain magnetic covers and turn sideways.)

Bill: Huh? (Dr. Bubblebutt moves sideways) Whoa!

Cricket: Agh!!

(Dr. Bubblebutt is on the bottom of the bridge.)

Dr. Bubblebutt: Hang on.

(Dr. Bubblebutt zooms down the bridge bottom as the Greens scream.)

Dr. Bubblebutt: Sensing baby in distress. Initiating lullaby.

Rock-a-bye baby

On the tree top

When the wind blows

The cradle will drop

(Dr. Bubblebutt reaches the other side and returns to the road; Gramma thuds in her chair, no longer vibrating.)

Gramma: (gasps) TILLY!

(Now Tilly's chair is steaming.)

Tilly: (straining, face going red) I am but moments away from golden-crispy exterior.

Gramma: Hold on, sweetie! I'm comin'! I -- (her chair vibrates again; drowsy) I'm in a prison of relaxation...!!! Gotta...! Save...! TILLY...!

(She removes her prosthetic leg and throws it at the chair screen, breaking it; Tilly's seat opens.)

Dr. Bubblebutt: Waffle is served.

Tilly: I'M ALIVE! (pants) Thanks, Gramma!

Gramma: (on her still vibrating chair) Sure thing, sweetie...

(Dr. Bubblebutt zooms down a corner.)

Dr. Bubblebutt: Arriving at destination in three... two...

Destination

Dr. Bubblebutt: (stops) ...One.

(They stop right outside a grocery store where the two workers await them.)

Male worker: Whoa!

(Dr. Bubblebutt opens her hatch and delivers the workers their produce.)

Male worker: Hey, Greens! Thanks a lot! That was fast! Also, cool car!

Bill: Uh... (gives a thumbs-up)

(The hatch closes.)

Inside Dr. Bubblebutt

Dr. Bubblebutt: Delivery complete, with time to spare.

(Party horns go off as confetti falls; Dr. Bubblebutt then offers each Green...)

Dr. Bubblebutt: Ice cream?

Cricket: (bonnet falls off; deranged) This really is the perfect car...

(Tilly and Gramma take their cones; they too are speechless.)

Gramma: The seats are real comfortable...

Tilly: Uh-huh, highly adjustable...

Bill: Yeah... (licks) She's...perfect... (licks; frustrated) Ah...DANG IT!! (pushes cone away) You're too perfect!! Is there anything you can't do!!??

Dr. Bubblebutt: You sound stressed. Activating therapist mode. (glasses appear over the face on her panel screen) Do you want to talk about it?

Bill: (sighs) Yeah.

(His seat folds back, and is offered a cup of coffee.)

Bill: Look, you're obviously an incredible car. You don't creak or leak, and you get us there in a timely fashion. But I still can't get over missing my truck.

Flashback

(As a young man, Bill lies in the Kludge's trunk under a night sky.)

Bill (VO): I mean, I've had the Kludge since I was a young man. (chuckles)

(One morning, a younger Alice tightens a bolt in the engine.)

Bill (VO): She held strong through thick and thin.

(In the here and now, Bill tunes to a radio station as the kids rock out.)

Bill (VO): Heck, the Kludge was practically a member of our family.

Present day, inside Dr. Bubblebutt

(Bill's seat folds back up.)

Bill: And you don't get rid of a family member, no matter how old and leaky they get.

Cricket, Tilly: Yeah!

Gramma: I'm holdin' you to that!

Bill: I'm sorry, Dr. Bubblebutt. You're a great car, but you're not our car. Now take us back to the Kludge!

Dr. Bubblebutt: I am here to serve.

(Dr. Bubblebutt drives back the other way as Bill calls Gwendolyn.)

Bill: Hey, Gwendolyn? We're comin' back to get my truck!

BigTech, laboratory

Gwendolyn: Oh, no no no! No no no! Y'see, I'm taking your truck to my vacation home on Mars!

Inside Dr. Bubblebutt

Bill: MARS!? THE PLANET!?!

BigTech, laboratory

(Gwendolyn has changed into a spacesuit and packing her suitcase.)

Gwendolyn: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! Look, I'm incredibly rich and incredibly crazy, and that makes for one heck of a combo. Also, I'm leaving in T-minus thirty seconds! BYE!!! (hangs up)

Inside Dr. Bubblebutt

Bill: She's takin' the Kludge to Mars!!!

Gramma: The planet!?!

Bill: That's what I said! She's leavin' in thirty seconds!! We'll never make it!!

Cricket: (nodding excitedly) You mean we have to go incredibly fast, in an incredibly short amount of time!!??!!

Bill: Oh, gosh...okay... (takes Cricket out of his seat) GO AHEAD AND DO IT!!

Cricket: Thank you, Daddy!!

(He presses the cray-cray button; all of a sudden, Dr. Bubblebutt zooms down the highway at ultimate lightning speed, leaving trails of fire from behind. The Greens scream as their faces and bodies are blown back by the speed, and a laughing Cricket's mouth stretches real wide before he pushes it back.)

Cricket: AGH! MY LIPS!

BigTech, exterior

(At last they reach BigTech.)

Cricket: There it is!

(They come to a stop at the launching pad where the Kludge is; they make it off and hurry towards it.)

Cricket: We're just in time!

Gramma: Go, go, go!!!

Dr. Bubblebutt: Bill...

Bill: (stops, turns back) Huh?

Dr. Bubblebutt: Goodbye. I hope to one day be part of a family like yours.

Bill: You will, Dr. Bubblebutt. I'm sure of it.

(The kids and Gramma are in the Kludge shouting for Bill; all of a sudden, it gets clamped onto something!)

Cricket, Tilly: Ack!

Tilly: What?!

(The launching pad parts way to reveal the rocket Gwendolyn is using to go to Mars; it is set upright.)

Bill: HEY, MY FAMILY'S IN THERE!

(Gwendolyn is aboard, juice in hand.)

Gwendolyn: All systems go! My Mars vay-cay officially starts... (hits the launch button) NOW!

(The rocket starts up.)

Bill: Ohmygosh, what am I gonna do?!?!

Dr. Bubblebutt: (drives over) Bill, get in.

(Bill drives Dr. Bubblebutt, wheels extended, and jumps onto the rocket just as it blasts off. Gwendolyn notices in her rear view mirror.)

Gwendolyn: Huh? What's going on?

(The rocket stumbles.)

Gwendolyn: The extra weight is throwing me off course!!

(The rocket flies sideways.)

Cricket: DAAAAD!!

Bill: HANG ON!

(Now the rocket flies down.)

Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: Whoaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Cricket: WE'RE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR BIG CITY!!!

(The rocket zooms into the street, passing an onlooker as his hair is blown back from the smoke; the Greens scream.)

Bill: How are we gonna get out of this one!?!?!

Dr. Bubblebutt: Bill, you have helped me understand that families must stick together. Now, let me help you. (opens hatch; takes Bill out) After all, I am here to serve.

Bill: Whoaaaaaaa!!!!!!

(He is placed into the driving seat of his one true automobile.)

Cricket: Yay, Dad!!...What?!

(Dr. Bubblebutt produces a buzzsaw which breaks the clamps connecting the Kludge to the rocket, and knocks it off. The Greens scream as they land back on the road and screech across...)

Greens' House, exterior

(...right to the front yard of their own home.)

Dr. Bubblebutt: Goodbye, Greens.

(The rocket is now flying upward again and out of sight.)

Gwendolyn: MARS, HERE I COME!

(The rocket disappears into the sky in a twinkle.)

Tilly: Have fun on Mars, Dr. Bubblebutt!

Bill: (sits upright) We did it! The Kludge is back! (hugs them) Oh, family, I love ya! And the Kludge, too!

Gurgling voice: I love you, too...

Cricket: Oh, my gosh. The Kludge can talk?!

Bill: No, no! Ha...it's just her leakin' oil.

(Indeed the Kludge has sprung a leak.)

Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: (disappointed) Oh...

ve — Episode Transcripts —
Season 1 1. Space Chicken/Steak Night • 2. Cricket Versus/Blue Tater • 3. Swimming Fool/Tilly's Goat • 4. Cricketsitter/Backflip Bill • 5. Gramma's License/Bear Trapped • 6. Photo Op/Remy Rescue • 7. Gridlocked/Mama Bird • 8. Welcome Home/Raccooned • 9. Fill Bill/Critterball Crisis • 10. Parade Day/DIY Guys • 11. Gargoyle Gals/Supermarket Scandal • 12. Barry Cuda/Suite Retreat • 13. Family Legacy/Paint Misbehavin' • 14. Rated Cricket/Homeshare Hoedown • 15. Cricket's Shoes/Feud Fight • 16. Breaking News/Cyberbullies • 17. Tilly Tour/Dinner Party • 18. Coffee Quest/Phoenix Rises • 19. Blood Moon • 20. Big Deal/Forbidden Feline • 21. Uncaged • 22. Harvest Dinner/Winner Winner • 23. Night Bill/Cheap Snake • 24. Hiya Henry/People Watching • 25. Valentine's Dance/Green Streets • 26. Hurty Tooth/Sleepover Sisters • 27. Trailer Trouble/Mansion Madness • 28. Park Pandemonium/Cricket's Biscuits • 29. Skunked/Axin' Saxon • 30. Cricket's Place/Volunteer Tilly
Season 2 31. Cricket's Kapowie/Car Trouble • 32. Urban Legend/Wishing Well • 33. Elevator Action/Bad Influencer• 34. Green Christmas • 35. Reckoning Ball/Clubbed • 36. Impopstar/Football Camp • 37. Heat Beaters/Bill-iever• 38. Shark Objects/Dream Weaver • 39. Level Up/Wild Side • 40. Garage Tales/Animal Farm • 41. Desserted/The Gifted • 42. Time Crisis/Gramma Driver • 43. Tilly Style/I, Farmbot • 44. Friend Con/Flimflammed • 45. Greens' Acres/Dolled Up • 46. Gabriella's Fella/Cheap Show • 47. Green Mirror/Cricket's Tickets • 48. Times Circle/Super Gramma! • 49. Present Tense/Hurt Bike • 50. Quiet Please/Chipwrecked
Country Kids in the City Hog RideTea PartyThe Last DonutDuck SandwichBee TreeSecret CatTilly's Cats
Random Rings, Season 1 Cricket Calls a Karate SchoolCricket Calls a Party StoreCricket Calls a SpaCricket and Tilly Call a Piano TeacherCricket Calls a Grocery StoreTilly Calls a LibraryCricket Calls a Pawn ShopTilly Calls a HotelCricket Calls an AquariumCricket Calls a Pet StoreTilly and Cricket Call Raven Symoné!
Random Rings, Season 2 Telemarketer Calls the GreensGramma Calls an Electronics StoreDr. Doofenshmirtz Calls GrammaCricket and Tilly Call Dr. DoofenshmirtzTilly Calls the FutureCricket and Tilly Call Area 51Tilly Calls a Magician
Miss Tilly's Fun Time TV Minute Meg DonnellyTrevor TordjmanAriel MartinSiena AgudongShelby SimmonsThe Houghton BrothersIsrael JohnsonIzabela RoseMax the Goat
Misc. Big City Greens: Road Trip
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