|"Cheap Snake"|| Next:|
Big City, street somewhere
Remy: (looking at his phone) There's so many things we can do today! Ooh, the dessert pizza truck is two blocks away!
Cricket: (shrugs) Sure, that sounds good.
Remy: No, wait, the line's already three hours long. Hmm... ooh! We could go see one of the twelve new superhero movies that are— Nope, they're.. all sold out.
(Cricket is getting increasingly angry,)
Remy: We could go to the— nope, we can't do that either. Or, let's try— nope. Those sold out two weeks ago.
Cricket: (groans) Plans, plans, plans! Ya can't plan for fun! Fun has to be spontaneous! Ya just gotta look around real fast and make a decision!
(Zoom out to reveal a pet store called "Kiss Kiss Pet Pet".)
Cricket: (gasp) Pet sale! Let's buy a pet!
Kiss Kiss Pet Pet
(The store owner is petting a large turtle.)
Store owner: Good morning, Mr. Wrinkles. It's feeding time, ya hungry?
(She sticks her head in a bag of leaves and takes a bite.)
Store owner: Open up!
(The doorbell rings as Cricket and Remy walk in.)
Store owner: Hm?
Cricket: Hello! I would like to purchase the coolest, most impressive animal, (holds quarters over his eyes) two quarters can buy.
(The store owner leads them to a glass cage.)
Store owner: Last time I sold one of these, I got in a lot of trouble, but second time's the charm.
(A purple animal pokes its head out of a small cave; Cricket and Remy push their faces against the glass.)
Cricket: Hello, little guy. I'm your new daddy. Oh, you're a cute little frog!
(the animal crawls out of its cave, revealing it to be a very long snake)
Cricket: (shocked) Oh. That's not a frog. That's a snake. Ooh, it's a huge, massive snake.
Store owner: She's a Patagonian Purple Python!
Cricket and Remy: Ooh!
Cricket: Me likey.
Remy: Don't pythons live for, like, 30 years? I guess we'll have to look up what it eats, and how often; and we'll need the cage, of course.
Cricket: (shows two quarters) Sold!
(Cricket and Remy are walking on the sidewalk; the Patagonian Purple Python is wrapped around Cricket.)
Cricket: (singing) Snakey is my best friend, I made a good decision.
Remy: Wow! I-I can't believe y-you just bought a snake! This is so exciting!
Cricket: I know! See, not havin' a plan is the best. We didn't know this was gonna happen today, and it's amazing! I live my life by the immortal words of a commercial I once saw on TV.
(Several schoolchildren are sitting at their desks with uninterested looks on their faces.)
Bored kid: Oh man... school's boring.
(Suddenly, his desk and pencil fly away from him.)
Bored kid: What?
(Brightly colored shoes appear on his feet; a basketball drops into his hands.)
Bored kid: Whoa!
(He flies out of the school building through the ceiling and ends up in space, there is a basketball goal where he dunks the aforementioned basketball. This all happens very quickly.)
Bored kid: Wahoo! Yeah! Woah!
(The basketball hoop explodes and the words "NO THINK. JUST DO." appear on screen.)
Announcer (VO): NO THINK, JUST DO.
Cricket: A darn good slogan, if I ever heard one.
(Two ladies are walking down the sidewalk towards Cricket and Remy's direction.)
Pink woman: Oh, my gosh! A snake! That is so cool! Can we take a picture with you?
Cricket: Why, of course!
(The pink woman pulls out her smartphone and takes a picture with Cricket, Remy, Snakey, and the other woman.)
Big City, various
(Montage! Cricket, Remy, and Snakey doing things around Big City: Cricket and Remy are laying on a hillside, Cricket is laying his head on Snakey. Cricket and Remy dance while a band plays in the background; Snakey is wrapped around Cricket. Remy watches as Cricket grabs Snakey's tail and whips it; Snakey slithers away, pulling Cricket into the middle of the road, cars skid to a halt; all set to banjo music. End of montage.)
Cricket: Heelloo, Gloria!
(Gloria is sitting at the cash register, reading a book about Paris, France.)
Cricket: (holding up three fingers) Three hot chocolates for three best friends, please.
Gloria: You mean "two"?
Cricket: Heh. I think I know how many friends I have, Gloria.
(Pan to reveal Snakey has molted; Cricket has his arm around an empty snake skin.)
Cricket: What the—?
(Whimpers of fear can be heard. Reveal that Snakey has slithered their way across the room and is laying on, choking, and hissing at customers.)
Cricket: Oh, Snakey, come on! That is so rude!
Gloria: (throws Cricket, Remy, and Snakey out the door) Get out of here!
Cricket: (now standing outside of Big Coffee, shaking fist) Well, we were leavin' anyway!
Remy: (as Snakey hisses) Cricket, I'm starting to think that this wasn't a good decision.
Cricket: Resist that feeling, Remy. I know with all my heart that we made the best decision we could.
(Snakey lowers their head; then starts hissing loudly at Cricket and Remy.)
Cricket: Aww, somebody wants to see their new home, don'tcha?
Green's house, front yard
(Tilly is having a pretend auction with the farm animals.)
Tilly: Item number one is a rock shaped like a thumbs up, we'll start the bidding at one hundred dollars! (talking fast like an auctioneer) Do I hear a one hundred, one hundred dollars, I need a hundred—
Melissa: (scratches her head, causing the bell around her neck to ring.)
Tilly: (accepts bell-ringing as a bid) Sold! To the distinguished lady in the front row.
(The animals hear Snakey hissing and run away.)
Tilly: Hey now, you can't run out on an auction. You're financially obligated!
(Snakey hisses at Tilly, getting spit on her face.)
Tilly: Cricket, why is there a giant snake hissin' in my face?
Cricket: Aw, Snakey's sayin' hello!
Tilly: "Snakey", huh? Nice to meet you. (grabs Snakey's head) What's your story?
(Demonic chanting noises are heard as Tilly stares into Snakey's eyes, Tilly gets a worried look on her face.)
Tilly: Uh.. AH! I don't know about this snake, Cricket.
Cricket: Oh, me neither, but that's okay! I'm tryin' to show Remy here that you can't plan fun. Ya just gotta do it! So I bought a snake and named 'em "Snakey".
(Note: Snakey was called a female by the cashier but a male here on in.)
Tilly: And how do you plan to explain this to Papa?
(Tilly is interrupted by Bill pulling up in the Kludge. Cricket hides Snakey behind his back.)
Bill: Hey, kids! I'm goin' out for a while to pick up some feed for the animals, so be good. 'Cause I won't be there to stop ya from doing anything you want. Bye!
Cricket: See, Tilly? I didn't plan for that and it worked out anyway. C'mon Snakey, I'll show ya where your gonna live forever!
Cricket and Tilly's bedroom
(They are now in Cricket and Tilly's bedroom.)
Cricket: So this is your new room. (shows the skull he has on his dresser) This was my last pet, Phoenix... Hah! Just kiddin'! You shoulda seen your face... That's Phoenix down there.
(Phoenix coughs up a ball of fur.)
Cricket: Alive and well. (as he says this, Snakey slowly edges towards Phoenix, ready to eat her) I can tell we're all gonna be best friends. (he moves towards Tilly's bed, Snakey pulls back) Here, you can have Tilly's bed. (throws Snakey on bed)
(Snakey messes her bed, and sets its eyes on Saxon; then it goes aggro on it.)
Remy: Cricket, snakes can't sleep on people beds. He needs to be contained, a place to hide and feel safe.
Cricket: Looks perfectly happy to me.
(Nope. Snakey leaps above the three, causing them to gasp, and enters the hole next to Cricket's bed.)
Cricket: Oh, Snakey, don't hide! C'mon out! (starts searching the crack) Come on. Come on out of there, you little stinker. (as he says this, Snakey weaves through the inner workings of the house, shaking everything it touches)
Remy: Oh, the snake is in the walls!! THE SNAKE IS IN THE WALLS!!!
(Cricket rises, wearing a battered helmet.)
Cricket: I'll use my smashin' helmet to make another hole and get 'em out!
Tilly: I don't think that's a --
Cricket: (battle cry, rushes towards the wall and makes a hole, a jar of coins smashes) Come here, you. Huh?
(He runs to the other side, using his bed as a trampoline, and bashes his head on the wall. Snakey comes out the hole.)
Cricket: Look at that, he came out on his own. Comin' at ya! (he trampolines off his bed and lands on Snakey.) Gotcha, ya little rascal. (shows the ruined bedroom) Now who's hungry? (a plank of wood falls)
(Cricket finishes scouring the fridge.)
Cricket: Okay! I got hot dogs, bananas, sour straws... long foods perfect for a long snake.
(Remy and Tilly are straining Snakey.)
Remy: Actually, I think he eats mice and small rodents.
Cricket: Uh, Remy, who's the snake owner here?
Remy: Well, I mean, I read a couple of books once, and -- (Snakey starts slapping) Aah! Oof! Ow!
Cricket: This is a guessing game. I guess... Hot dogs. Here, Snakey. Eat your hot dog. (puts it in Snakey's mouth) It'll make you big and strong. (Closes its mouth shut, it swallows.) There you go! You love it! (Snakey starts to go crazy) Oh, look! He's dancin'-- (pounced) OW!
Cricket: (Snakey has a grip on him) Heh heh, there's more from where that came from, buddy! Oh I guess it's hugging time! (Snakey hardens its grip; strained) Oh, that's a big hug!
Tilly: Speaking as a hugging expert, that is not a hug of affection.
(Snakey is now chokeholding Cricket.)
Cricket: It's okay, guys, I can hold my breath...
(Remy and Tilly pull Cricket out of Snakey's grip. Snakey wraps around one of the chairs and crushes it. It then knocks the table off. A hiss indicates it's really angry. Remy and Tilly glare at Cricket.)
Cricket: Okay, so Snakey is large and strong and has an unpredictable personality. But I'm sure a little discipline will set him straight.
(TV shows the program: Crafting with Clementine. Gramma's sword slices through some cheese with ease.)
Announcer: And now, back to Crafting with Clementine.
Clementine: Today, we'll be knitting sweaters for puppies.
(Gramma is seen lounging on her chair.)
Gramma: You're doin' good work, Clementine.
(The kids appear beside her and surprise her...)
Gramma: (swings sword at Cricket) Cricket, you know better than to sneak up on me during Gramma Time!!
Cricket: Sorry, Gramma, but I got a new pet. And he has a little behavior problem. Can you help?
Tilly: Please help.
Gramma: Alright, fine. Besides, Clementine's startin' to bum me out.
Clementine: Let's make a nice mug for our grandson. Oh, I wish they visited more often...
(Gramma enters the living room.)
Gramma: Alright, (takes out sword) little pooch, time for ol' G-mo to teach you some-- (sees something, drops sword) GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
(She has taken a glance at Snakey going to town on a pillow. The snake takes a glance at Gramma, causing her to shriek!)
Gramma: WHA...??! A SN...!!! (struggles to climb a chair) A SN...!!! (deep breaths)
Cricket: Oh, so you met Snakey.
Gramma: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR PET WAS ONE OF THEM DEVIL WORMS!!! How do they move with no legs???
Remy: Actually, they move their muscles and scales, and a--
Gramma: DON'T YOU LECTURE ME WHEN I'M PANICKIN'!!!
Cricket: Snakey, I'd like you to meet your new Gramma.
Gramma: (launches the snake off using the retractable footstool) BE GONE!!
(Snakey is sent flying out the window.)
(They go to the window.)
Remy: Ohh no, he's really mad!
(Snakey has indeed gone mad. One bite off one of the tractor's wheels punctures it.)
Cricket: Okay, looks. Snakey's probably nervous as it's his first day in his new life, but I'm sure by tomorrow morning Snakey will be in a much better mood.
(Tilly and Remy face each other worryingly, and nod. They put Cricket off the window.)
Tilly: Cricket! You look real dandy today.
Cricket: Wh--Thank you.
Tilly: Good! Now that I buttered you up with a compliment, here's a harsh truth... You need to take Snakey back to the pet store. Immediately!
Cricket: Wh...?! How dare you?!
Remy: I have to agree, Cricket. This was a bad idea. Snakey is just too much for you.
Cricket: What a couple of fair-weather friends! I'm startin' to believe I don't look nice today!
(He storms off.)
Tilly: Cricket, please.
Cricket: (sad) You don't think Snakey was a good decision?
Remy: Uh... it...wasn't...your...best?
Tilly: Also, he did wreck the house.
Cricket: Okay, but.. hm... w-we just gotta try harder! We're gonna make this work, okay?!
Cricket: Snakey! (finds...) Snakey!... (just a hose) Oh, it's just a mirage. Oh man, being a first-time snake owner is hard! Am I wrong about all this?
(He looks to a billboard, showcasing the tagline shown in the commercial...)
Cricket: "No think, just do." That's right! Thank you, random billboard! I'm just gonna keep being spontaneous and impulsive.
(Suddenly the billboard is replaced with one for Big City Bank: "Be responsible.")
Cricket: I'm just gonna go ahead and ignore that.
(Bill exits from the back door.)
Bill: Hey, I'm back from the feed store. Uh- Say, I can't find any of the animals. Could you keep an eye out for 'em?
Cricket: (ignoring him) Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. (somewhere else...) Snakey? Snakey? ...Hmm?
(Reveal that Snakey has swallowed all the farm animals. First, Herbert, then Melissa, then the chicken. Snakey advances towards him. Cricket's mouth droops...)
Remy: What are we going to do when your dad finds out?
Bill: Find out about what?
Cricket: (from the outside) AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Gramma: I'm not even touchin' that.
Bill: Touching what?!
(The other Greens except Gramma and Remy exit.)
(Snakey is slithering around, dragging Cricket.)
Bill: Cricket!! WHAT IS GOIN' ON?!
Cricket: (dragged around in circles) MY SNAKE!! HE ATE THE ANIMALS!!!
(Snakey approaches the fence, the Greens and Remy approach. Snakey manages to manuever around them. Bill tries to lunge towards Cricket, but fails.)
Bill: Huh... it's too fast... Even if we did catch him, how do we get those poor animals out?!
Remy: (points towards...) The farm spool! We can roll 'em up like a tube of toothpaste!
Bill: Remy, that's a weird plan. But that's a plan nonetheless! (to Tilly and Remy, as he runs off) You two hold 'em down!
(Cricket continues to get dragged around. Tilly manages to grab his foot, slowing Snakey down, and Remy jumps on top of Snakey, holding it down.)
Remy: We got 'em! Hurry!
(Bill rolls the spool over Snakey, getting all the animals out. First a wet Herbert, then a wet Melissa...)
Bill: Okay, last one! Push! (...and they try to push, but Snakey hisses at them, startling them.) It's getting away!! (Snakey slithers towards a hole in the fence.) He's going into the back alley!
Remy: If we pause and try to think this through, we can come up with another plan!
(Cricket rises again, with the same crash helmet.)
Cricket: No. NO THINK, JUST DO!!!
(He rushes toward the fence, but is unable to make a hole. He instead succeeds on getting dizzy.)
Cricket: Huh... oh gosh...
Tilly: Just use the gates!!
Bill: Please, use the gates, son!
Cricket: Uh. Right. Thanks, family.
(He uses the gates...)
(Cricket corners Snakey.)
Cricket: Hello, Snakey. You've really disappointed me. A pet of mine eating another pet of mine. (chicken clucks) I'm sorry to do this to ya... BUT I NEED THAT CHICKEN BACK!!
(Scaling a trash bin, he leaps on one of the junk; mid-air, he puts his helmet on his bottom. However, Snakey's mouth is open...)
Greens and Remy: Cricket!
(They gasp: Cricket is in Snakey.)
Cricket: Uh, Remy, what was that about a plan?
(Snakey faints; the chicken clucks.)
Remy: ...Let's go get the farm spool.
Street, near Kiss Kiss Pet Pet
(Snakey is in a cage; the Greens and Remy are taking him back.)
Cricket: Well friends, after today, I have come to the realization that even if you don't like plans, sometimes it's better to have one. (to...) Snakey, you belong in the jungle! Or, maybe a swamp. Or... the desert? Wow, I really learned nothing about snakes. (to the cashier from earlier) Excuse me, lady, I need to return my snake to your store.
Cashier: Kid, there is no store anymore. I'm going out of business.
(The store is shut down.)
Cashier: Why else do you think you got a snake for 50 cents?
Cricket: What? I just thought I was a master negotiator.
Cashier: Oh, no. Now, if you'll excuse me, (gets on her turtle) I'm moving to the Galapagos! (she leaves.)
Cricket: Wait! You can't just leave! I can't handle a snake!
Bill: Well, what are we gonna do now?
Cricket: (gasps; an idea has sparked) I know! (to Remy) Snakey should go with Remy!
Bill: Son, I thought you said you were gonna think things through from now on.
Cricket: No, I-I've thought about this! (to Remy) You're cautious, you know a lot about snakes, and you can afford to buy him anything he needs!
Bill: That actually makes a lot of sense! Well, Remy, what do you think?
Remy: (Walks up to Snakey) Aw... (Snakey hisses) He is really cute. Well, I think... CALL ME REMY THE REPTILE BOY!...Ooh, that sounded better in my head.
(Cricket gives Remy Snakey.)
Remy: Bye-bye! (Snakey is wrapped around him, he waddles around and laughs) Bye, guys!
Cricket: I'm sure we're gonna miss Snakey. But I guess I got my new pet... (picks up...) This scorpion I found in the gutter. Scorpy!
Tilly/Bill: Cricket, I... / No, no, no!
(Scorpy bites Cricket's eye; he shrieks.)