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"Cricket Versus" | Next: "Blue Tater" |
The following is a transcript for the episode, "Cricket Versus".
Greens' house[]
Cricket and Tilly's room[]
(We open on a shot of a book shelf, with a poster of two gloved fists colliding that says the title of the episode. We then move right to see Cricket sleeping in his hammock, the morning sun shining in from the window. As the sunlight shines on his face, he immediately wakes up with a smile.)
Exterior[]
(A rooster can be seen perched on a window, preparing to crow. He takes a deep breath, but just before he can start, Cricket's face, exhibiting an expression of pure joy, appears out of nowhere at the window.)
Cricket: (Very excited) Cock-a-doodle-doo! Today's the day!
Cricket and Tilly's room[]
(Cricket jumps off his dresser and stands on his room's floor, arms outstretched as he continues to be excited.)
Cricket: (Very excited) Today's the day!
(Close up of Cricket's calendar, showing a red circle on the second Wednesday of the month, with arrows pointing at it and exclamation marks next to it, with an inscription that says "THE DAY" with an underlining and an exclamation mark. Cricket appears next to it, his hands on the calendar, still super excited.)
Cricket: (Very excited) Today's the day!
(The camera moves back to show us the room's interior and the bunk beds, with the top bunk holding a sleeping Tilly. Cricket jumps up and pulls her down, blanket and all, to share with her the exciting news. As he says this, Tilly is dazed, having just woken up.)
Cricket: (Very excited, arms outstretched) Tilly! Today's the day!
(He jumps over her and laughs hysterically as he runs out the room. Tilly, left alone and still dazed from her abrupt awakening, rolls over to her side, covering herself again with the blanket.)
Tilly: (Tired) Five more minutes.
Bill's room[]
Cricket: (opening Bill's bedroom door) Dad, wake up!
(He leaps onto Bill, who is sleeping in his bed.)
Bill: (startled, also having just barely woken up) Cricket! What in the world??!
Cricket: Today's the day! Today's the day!! (He runs outside, gasping excitedly)
Bill: (groaning) Oh...
Front yard[]
(Cricket is now in his clothes. He sneaks up on Phoenix, who is sleeping in her doghouse.)
Cricket: Today's the day.
(He pokes Phoenix on the eyes; her right eye opens.)
Cricket: (patting the family cow, Miss Brenda) Today's the day!
Miss Brenda: Moo!
Gramma's room[]
Cricket: (Opening Gramma's bedroom door; whispering) Gramma. Today's the day.
(Camera pans over to the left to reveal Gramma, who is sitting in her chair. She turns on her lamp.)
Gramma: (snickers)
Kitchen[]
(The Greens enter the kitchen. Tilly and Bill are still dazed from their abrupt awakening.)
Bill: What's goin' on, Cricket?
Cricket: (puts down a bowl of grits on the table) I made y'all grits this mornin' as a celebration, 'cause today is the day I earn the Green family name!
Bill: (rubbing his right eye) Ho, ho! Right. The old Green Family Rite of Passage.
Cricket: For generations, each member of our family has set off on a quest to wrestle the toughest, meanest animal around in order to truly earn the Green family name.
Gramma: As well as earn a place on the Green Family Triumph Quilt. (close up on the quilt; it shows various patches, each one a picture of a Green conquering an animal) Each patch represents a Green defeating a vicious animal. (points to a patch of Tilly riding a horse while feeding him a carrot on a stick) There's your sister taming a wild horse.
Tilly: Frederico was a good horse of great moral character.
Gramma: (points to a patch of Bill reaching out his open arms for a hawk) And here's your father as a child, taming a hawk.
Bill: Ha! Nearly tore me in half. (He pulls up his shirt, revealing a scar on his chest.)
Tilly: Hey! Even Mom has a patch.
Gramma: Yep, somewhere between the wedding and the honeymoon, she wrestled a wolverine.
Cricket: And now, it's my turn. I'm gonna wrestle the wildest animal this city's got.
Gramma: Now, remember. The rules state that you must pin an animal for the count of three before the sun sets. Do you have what it takes, boy, or are you all lip?
Cricket: Get your sewin' fingers ready, Gramma, 'cuz today, I'm becomin' an official Green! (He runs out of the kitchen, yelling) Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Yay! Ay-yi-yi!
Gramma: Go git 'em, Cricket.
Tilly: (pauses for a moment, then pours some grits from Cricket's bowl into hers) More for Tilly.
Front yard[]
(Cricket's shirt and overalls are lying on the ground. We pan left to show Cricket completely stripped down except for his underwear, and laying on all fours like a frog.)
Cricket: Cricket Green -- well, just Cricket until he earns his last name -- is a world-class animal wrangler, and a master of camouflage-ication. (He takes some mud in his hands and spreads it on his face in the shape of an X. Suddenly he gags and spits, showing he...) Got dirt in my mouth.
Big Coffee[]
Exterior[]
(Camera pans over to show a few customers eating at their tables, just outside the cafe. Cricket peeks out from behind the fence.)
Cricket: Cricket roams the cityside searching for the wild beast he is destined to defeat. Ah-ha! I got you now!
(Cut to a hairy foot with three claws sitting at the foot of a table. Cricket starts munching on it.)
Man: My slippers!
(The camera moves back to reveal that the hairy feet are actually slippers worn by an orange man with red bushy hair and a mustache, and square glasses. The Big Coffee waitress, holding a rag in her right hand and a sprayer in her left, sees this.)
Waitress: Hey!
(She sprays Cricket.)
Cricket: Realizing he's outmatched, Cricket makes his escape!
(He crawls away.)
Waitress: (to the customer with the sloth foot slippers) You might want to get a rabies shot.
Food Dragon[]
Exterior[]
Food Dragon manager: (pushing Cricket out of the market) For the last time, there is no dragon at Food Dragon.
Cricket: You can't hide him from me forever!
Food Dragon manager: Nope. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. (As he says each of these lines, he backs up back in the store and points his left index finger at Cricket.)
Cricket: Oh, man. This rite of passage is pretty difficult in the city.
Gramma: (jumping out from behind a bush) Exactly! Never let your guard down! Never let your guard down.
Cricket: Ooh... Hey, Gramma, let's say I don't pin an animal by sundown. What happens then?
Gramma: Well, then, you wouldn't be a Green anymore. You'd have to change your name to something stupid, like Hawking or Einstein. But that ain't gonna happen. Is it?!
Cricket: Ha! You kiddin' me? I just gotta find new huntin' grounds.
Gramma: That's the attitude. Now put your clothes back on. You look ridiculous.
Big City Park[]
(We are now at the park; Cricket steps into view, back in his clothes.)
Cricket: The park is a perfect place to find a vicious animal opponent.
Gramma: All right, kiddo, let's see what you've got.
(Cut to Cricket's view of the park. The camera pans over to the right to show various animals.)
Cricket (OS): Hmm, let's see here, a couple of baby birds, nah, swarm of ants, unh.
(The camera stops on Officer Keys and his horse.)
Cricket (OS): Ah-ha!
Officer Keys: Okay, Buttercup. (sing-song)
āŖ Yum-yum time āŖ
āŖ It's time for yum-yums āŖ
āŖ Get into your big horse tum-tums āŖ
(He tries getting a bone-like treat in the horse's mouth, but to no avail.)
Gramma: Here's your chance, boy. Strike while your prey is distracted.
Cricket: (charging towards Officer Keys and Buttercup) Ahh!
Officer Keys: (sing-song)
āŖ It's time for yum-yums āŖ
(normal) Hm. (He eats the treat himself) Mmm.
Cricket: (screaming) (He continues charging until he attacks Keys' horse and startles it.)
Officer Keys: Careful, child! Buttercup spooks easily! (Buttercup runs away and knocks Cricket off.) Buttercup, remember your training!
Gramma: What happened back there?
Cricket: Just lost my grip. Silky mane.
Gramma: Well, hurry and find something else!
Cricket: Hmm. (He looks around until something catches his eye.) Hmm? Uh, what about that vicious creature? (He points to a woman and her large but harmless dog, who is happily frolicking in the flowers
Dog: Aw-woo.
Gramma: Are you kiddin' me? Wild animals ain't on leashes!
Cricket: Hmm. (He looks around until he spots a squirrel catching an acorn.) Aha! You're mine, furry demon! Hyaah! (He leaps over to attack, and after wrestling with the squirrel, he pins it.) One, two, three! (sweating a little) Hah! I did it. I'm a Green. Right, Gramma?
Gramma: (sarcastically) Oh, of course... NOT!
Cricket: (gasps) Hey!
Gramma: You think pinning a squirrel is an "accomplishment"? (pulls up the Green Family Triumph Quilt) When I completed the Family Rite of Passage, (points to a picture of herself as a young woman defeating a grizzly bear) I fought a bear!
Cricket: Bears are basically real-life monsters.
Gramma: Exactly!
Cricket: (releasing the squirrel) I don't know if there's an animal in this city that'll work, Gramma.
Gramma: A true Green is cunning and clever, so figure something out!
(She walks off.)
Cricket: (thinking) Hmm. (He gets an idea) Mm? If cunning and clever is what Gramma wants, then that's what she'll get.
Greens' house[]
Exterior[]
Tilly (OS): Sing with me, Papa.
Dining room[]
(Tilly and Bill are setting the table while a ditty is playing on the radio.)
Tilly:
āŖ Cuz it's fun, fun, fun āŖ
āŖ Fun, fun, fun āŖ
Bill:
āŖ Fun, fun fun āŖ
Yeah, OK, I'm gettin' it.
Tilly and Bill:
āŖ Fun, fun, fun, fun āŖ
Bill: Oh, yeah!
(Tilly and Bill continue singing until they hear the door slamming.)
Hallway[]
(Camera pans over to the left to show Cricket at the front door, his hair all wet and droopy, and he is covered with ketchup stains to make it seem like he was injured fighting a vicious animal.)
Cricket: Hello... Fellow Greens.
Bill: Cricket! What happened?
Cricket: Oh, nothin'... If you think fightin' a lion is nothin'.
Bill: A lion?
Tilly: Did you die?
Living room[]
Cricket: It was crazy. A vicious lion escaped from the zoo and was running down the street bitin' chunks of people right off! (He grabs the wooden loon from the fireplace to act out his story) I knew destiny brought me and this lion together for a reason, to fight! (He wrestles the loon) I jumped right at him, but he swiped at my face, so I threw him down and I put him in a headlock! (He breaks the loon's head off.) So, I suppose that wraps up my Family Rite of Passage.
Gramma: (suspiciously) Oh, really? I didn't hear any news about an escaped lion.
Cricket: (nervously) Uh, you probably didn't hear about it 'cuz, uh, well, the police wanted to keep the whole thing quiet.
Gramma: That so? (She walks over to Cricket) What'd his breath smell like? How many claws did he have?
Cricket: Uh, well, I-- (Gramma takes some ketchup from Cricket's cheek on her finger) Ew.
(Gramma tastes the ketchup, much to Tilly and Bill's horror, who still think it's blood.)
Bill: Oh, jeez, Ma!
Gramma: Oh, relax, Bill, it's just ketchup! (She points at Cricket) This boy had you tangled in a twisted web of lies!
Cricket: (angrily) All right, you caught me! I've tried and tried to complete this stupid Family Rite of Passage, and it's impossible! I'm done!
Gramma: Ya quittin'? Greens don't give up!
Cricket: Then I guess I'm not a Green!
Gramma: (gasps)
(Camera pans over to Bill and Tilly. Bill also looks shocked, but Tilly appears unfazed and is holding the radio. She turns it on and "Fun, Fun, Fun" plays again.)
Tilly:
āŖ Fun, fun, fun, fun āŖ
āŖ Fun, fun, fun, fun āŖ
(Bill nudges her and she turns the radio off)
Did I misread the room?
Kitchen[]
(The cat clock ticks.)
Dining room[]
(Camera pans over to the table, where Cricket and Gramma are staring angrily at each other. As the clock ticks, Bill and Tilly look back and forth at Cricket and Gramma, who are both grunting angrily at each other.)
Bill: So, uh, Cricket, (passes him the tray of Gramma's green bean casserole) would you like some green bean casserole?
Gramma: (swiping the tray out of Bill's hands) Uh-uh-uh! This casserole is a family recipe, for Greens only!
Cricket: What? But green bean casserole's my favorite!
Gramma: Don't worry. (passes him a can of canned corn) You can have all the canned corn you want.
Cricket: You serious? Canned corn is the worst! (He knocks the can off the table.)
Bill: Come on, Ma, let the boy eat what he wants, huh?
Gramma: Fine! I'll just add it to his room and board tab.
Cricket: I gotta pay rent now? How the heck am I supposed to do that?
Gramma: You'll just have to get a job. There's always more room in the coal mines.
Cricket: This is ridiculous! I'm outta here! (He leaves the table and exits the kitchen.)
Gramma: Just 'cuz you didn't eat it don't mean I won't charge you for it!
(Offscreen, Cricket opens the door and then slams it shut.)
Tilly: (pouring the casserole onto her plate) More for Tilly.
Doorway[]
Cricket: (sitting on the doorsteps, frustratedly) Stupid Gramma. Stupid Green Rite of Passage. (sadly) If I'm not a Green... Then what am I? (He ponders this sadly until he hears Bill from inside the house.)
Bill (OS): Aw, Ma, why are you bein' so hard on the boy?
Kitchen[]
Bill: He's your grandson. Can't you be a little easier on him?
Gramma: No! This is important, Bill. Every Green has done it. What would my grandmother say if a Green didn't go through the Rite of Passage? She wrestled five boars! Five boars!
Doorway[]
Cricket: Pssh. Ten boars ain't as scary as you, Gramma. (He realizes something.) Wait a minute.
Gramma's Room[]
Cricket: (kicking Gramma's door open) Ah! ALICE DELORES GREEN!!!!!
Gramma: (sitting in her chair, back turned towards Cricket) Hmph. I ain't got the time for a no-grit non-Green quitter.
(Cricket turns Gramma's chair around, thus facing him.)
Cricket: Listen, I thought I couldn't do this because there weren't any ferocious animals in the city, but I was wrong. The meanest, most vicious creature was right in front of me this whole time. I challenge you to wrestle me for my Green Family Rite of Passage!
Gramma: (suddenly gets a smile on her face) Hee, hee! Well, all right. Congratulations on finding a worthy opponent. But you still gotta pin me by sundown! (She gets up, her joints cracking) Ha! (She picks up an angel doll and crunches it.)
Cricket: Gah! (shakes his head) Bring it on, ya old boot! Ah!!
(He leaps onto Gramma's face, and they wrestle until they fall to the ground. They both get back up.)
Cricket: (dizzily) Uh...
(Gramma charges toward Cricket)
Cricket: Uh? Uh! Ya! (He pulls the lever on Gramma's chair, thus putting up the recliner. Gramma runs into it, which causes her dentures to fly out of her mouth. They land on Cricket's head.)
Cricket: Ah! Blah! (He throws them back and Gramma catches them in her mouth.)
Gramma: Mm...
Cricket: (disgusted) Ugh! (He bounces off the recliner and lands on Gramma's dresser.) Ah-ha! Yah!
(He throws multiple sewers at Gramma, but she dodges most of them and breaks one with her teeth.)
Exterior[]
(Cricket and Gramma continue wrestling and break out a window covered with wooden planks. They land on the porch.)
Cricket: (agitated) Is that all you got?! (Gramma pinches his cheek.) Ah!
Gramma: (playing with Cricket's cheek) Aren't you just a cutie? (laughing) Huh?
(Cricket cranks Gramma's hearing aid from "low" to "loud". As the feedback squeals, he slaps the wind chimes.)
Cricket: Ah-ha!
(Gramma is now stunned from hearing the loud noise, which gives Cricket the chance to steal her wooden leg.)
Cricket: Got your wooden leg!
Gramma: I could beat you with no limbs! (She wrestles Cricket and they tumble off the porch into the front yard.)
(Bill and Tilly come out, Tilly holding the quilt.)
Bill: Ma!
Tilly: Cricket!
Bill: Stop fightin'!
Tilly: You don't have to do this! I'll put you on the quilt myself!
Cricket: Don't get involved! I'm wrestling the toughest beast in the city!
(Gramma picks Cricket up, spins him around, and tosses him in the air. He lands on the porch step, breaking it in half.)
Cricket: Ugh!
Bill and Tilly: Cricket!
Cricket: (panting)
Gramma: (retrieves her wooden leg and puts it back on) Had enough?
Bill: Cricket, you can't beat Gramma, and you know it! Just end this foolishness!
(An idea flies into Cricket's head...)
Cricket: ...You're right, Dad. I can't beat Gramma. And I don't need to!
Gramma: Huh?
Cricket: (takes the quilt from Tilly) All this time I was trying to get on this quilt 'cuz that's how things are done in this family. But I don't care if you don't consider me a Green, 'cuz I feel like a Green. I know I'm a Green. And that's something no one can ever take away from me.
Gramma: Boy, I'm proud of you. It takes real grit to stand up to family-- (Cricket suddenly covers her with the quilt!) Ah! (groans)
Cricket: (finally manages to pin Gramma to the ground) Never let your guard down!!
Gramma: (gets her head out from under the quilt) Ah! Are you crazy?
Tilly: Papa, start the count!
Bill: (counting as the sun sets) One... two... three!!
Cricket: Admit it, Gramma. You're pinned!
Gramma: Uh, I'm pinned. I knew you had it in you... Cricket Green. Now git offa me!
Cricket: (poses by standing triumphantly on Gramma's back) I AM CRICKET GREEN!
Interior[]
(Dissolve to a patch of Cricket pinning Gramma. As Gramma finishes sewing it, she gives Cricket a kiss on the cheek.)
Bill: Aw, glad to see you two are gettin' along again.
Gramma: Yeah. Round two! (She playfully strangles Cricket)
Cricket: (grunting) Gramma!
Bill: (groans)