Big City, somewhere
(Episode title appears on a display board; Gramma stumbles by blindfolded.)
Gramma: Gah! Whoa! (grunts)
Cricket: Upsy daisy, Gramma! C'mon, family! Follow the sound of my voice!
Gramma: Where the heck are you takin' us?
Cricket: This way now, not much further!
(He leads them into...)
Cricket (OS): Okay! Take off your blindfolds!
(The Greens are inside the family restaurant Crispy's. They gasp.)
Cricket: Welcome to the best family eatery in Big City: Crispy's!
(We zoom to reveal the logo, and a series of shots show the neon sign reading "In here it's always Crispy", an employee strapping her suspenders, and a family celebrating a birthday.)
Kids: Yeah! / Yeah!
(Cricket is brought to tears by its beauty; he wipes it off.)
Cricket: Isn't it wonderful?
Tilly: Yes, but what are we doin' here, brother?
Cricket: We're eatin' dinner! And I'm buyin'! Tonight we feast like kings!
(The Greens are excited, but Bill is concerned: how is Cricket going to spend on all this?)
Gramma: Well, hot chow!
(Cricket is at the counter.)
Cricket: Table for five please, Madam‐gazelle.
Cashier: Sure thing! We'll buzz you when your table's ready.
Bill: I'm sorry, did you say you're buyin' dinner?
Cricket: Well, yeah. Every kid dreams about taking their family out for a nice meal! But no ordinary kid can pull it off. Fortunately, Cricket Green ain't no ordinary kid.
Nancy: You got that right!
Bill: You got that right.
Gramma: Well, I don't care who's paying for dinner as long as it ain't me!
Tilly: That's mighty kind of you, brother.
(Then the buzzer starts to buzz.)
Cricket: It's a bomb! HIT THE DECK!!
(The buzzer continues to buzz; a waitress walks in; pink skin with blue hair.)
Waitress: Oh, hello, you must be my table for five! My name's Gina, and I'll be your waitress. But think of me more as your friend! (winks)
Cricket: Well, lead the way, Gina ol' pal.
Bill: Hey, wait! Am I really the only one who thinks Cricket paying for dinner is, heh, completely weird?
Greens but Bill: Yep!
Bill: Oh, good. I'm glad I'm the only one who feels this way...
Waitress (Gina): So, what can I get you today?
(Tilly and Gramma are looking at a menu.)
Tilly: Look at all the choices!
Gramma: With all these options, we'll never decide!!
Cricket: We don't have to decide! WE'LL ORDER IT ALL! Gina, put us down three dozen chicken tenders...
(Gina takes their order as Cricket continues under. The Greens get excited.)
Cricket (OS): five crispy chocolate milkshakes, a kiddy pool of popcorn shrimp, four dozen crispy eggs, scrambled and dry, please.
Cricket: ...And what the heck, a trough of crispy seasoned french fries!
Gina: Anything else for ya?
Cricket: You want somethin' special, big guy?
Bill: I'm not hungry.
Cricket: Interesting... because am I wrong, or have you been staring at that bacon cheeseburger since we sat down?
Bill: It has... caught my eye.
Cricket: And this guy will have one bacon cheeseburger!
Bill: What?! No!! Cancel that! No bacon cheeseburger!
Cricket: Aw, he's just fussy 'cause he hasn't eaten yet. He'll take two!
Bill: Cricket, stop!!
Cricket: Three it is!
(Gina takes down the order.)
Cricket (OS): Wanna go for four, mister?
Bill: THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!! We can't afford all this food!! HOW COULD CRICKET PAY FOR ALL OF IT?!?!??!
Nancy: Hey, are you going to be like this all night? Cricket's trying to do something nice. Can you get on board?
Cricket: Thank you, Mother.
Bill: (sighs) You're right... I'm... sorry, son. I'll take one bacon cheeseburger.
Gina: All righty‐tight‐tighty then! Your food will be out in a jiff!
Cricket: There we go. Enjoy yourself!
Tilly: (holding up her glass of water) Hear hear for Cricket! Provider of crispy foods and goodwill!
(They toast him.)
Gramma, Nancy: To Cricket!
Bill: To Cricket!
Cricket: Ah, what the heck. To me!
(They bump their glasses; they cheer.)
(Later, their food has arrived and Nancy is chowing down on all the potatoes and fries she has, Gramma is eating all the sausage she has, Tilly is eating all the popcorn shrimp she has, and Bill eats his bacon cheeseburger; then he is entranced by its taste, and Cricket is eating everything he's ever wanted. Food transition to later; the family is full.)
Cricket: Oh, wow!
Cricket: What a meal!
Tilly: I'm in a world of shrimpy bliss...
Gina: And how's this all tasting, friends?
Cricket: It tasted great! But you already knew that, didn't ya, Gina, you sly dog!
Gina: Anybody in the mood for some dessert?
Cricket: Ohh, dessert sounds good. What do y'all say?
Bill: I couldn't eat another bite!
Nancy: I'm gonna have to pass on the sug', sug'.
Cricket: (realizing) Boy, y'all ate so much, it looks like you forgot to save room for dessert. Heh heh. Uh, hey, Gina?
(He discreetly orders something.)
Gina: Oh! You got it! Coming right up!
Bill: What'd you order, son?
Cricket: Oh, just a... li'l ice cream.
Tilly: That sounds excellent, brother. I hope you enjoy it.
(Gramma's head thunks on the table.)
Cricket: Well, I hope we all enjoy it. We're gonna have to.
Bill: Whaddaya mean by that, son?
(The lights are off; cue rythmic clapping.)
♪ Yippie yippie hoo‐ray, it's too good to be true ♪
♪ The Crispy's Sundae Challenge is on its way to you ♪
♪ Here's a little secret ♪
♪ You didn't hear from me ♪
♪ If you beat our challenge, your family eats for ♪
♪ Free, free, free ♪
(Deep voice) ♪ Free! ♪
Bill: Family... eats for free?!?! What did you do, Cricket?!
Cricket: Settle down, Dad, it's really not a big‐‐
♪ Brace yourselves, 'cause this challenge is cold ♪
♪ 50 pounds of ice cream in a plastic bowl ♪
♪ Whipped cream, bananas, and a mountain of dairy... ♪
(A LARGE bowl of ice-cream is lugged in.)
♪ Ya gotta eat it all ♪
(other singer in the background)
♪ Yeah, even the cherries ♪
♪ Only one hour to devour the 'dae ♪
♪ So you better scarf it down if you don't wanna pay! ♪
(The other performers leave.)
Gina: Alrighty, and your one hour starts... now. Enjoy!
Cricket: Mmmm, welp! Let's dig in!
(Bill is gobsmacked.)
Cricket: Come on, Dad, you can't eat ice cream without a spoon.
Bill: This is how you were planning on paying for everything??
Nancy: Cricket, if this was your plan, why didn't you tell us? We're too full!
Cricket: Well, I didn't want you holding back on dinner! Besides, there's always room for ice cream!
Bill: Now I've heard enough of this. I'm just gonna pay for dinner and get us out of... this.
(He realizes he has taken out a bill of "Cricket Bucks"; it is worthless.)
Bill: Cricket... where's my money?
Cricket: Well, I knew you wouldn't go through with my brilliant plan to treat y'all if you knew all the steps, so I replaced all your money with Cricket Bucks! They have no monetary value.
Gramma: Boy, have you lost your MIND??!
Cricket: All we have to do is eat some ice cream. Ice cream's not a problem, it's a treat!
Bill: Looks like Cricket's left us with no other option... So we're gonna have to eat our way outta this mess.
Bill: That's the spirit!
Nancy: All right, everyone, dig in.
(They start to eat the ice cream.)
Tilly: I've found with a slow and methodical approach... (slurp) any challenge can be overcome.
Cricket: It won't work, Tilly! We gotta eat fast, too!
Tilly: Oh, right!
(She bites into scoop after scoop after scoop; one scoop gives her literal brain freeze. Then she holds her head in pain.)
Tilly: Hm...? B‐b‐BRAIN FREEZE!!!!!
Gramma: Forget the spoon. I only require MY FISTS!!!!
(She then takes the scoops personally.)
Gramma: THERE AIN'T A FROSTED TREAT IN THE WORLD TOO TOUGH FOR ALICE GREE --
(Thud. Tilly is still screaming re: her brain freeze and upon seeing Gramma downed...)
Nancy: Yeah, I'm out.
(Bill bites into another scoop.)
Bill: Ugh, I need a breather.
Cricket: Okay! (another scoop) Just means more for me! (another one)
(Just when he is about to eat another, the spoon stops before it can reach his mouth.)
Cricket: Ahhhh!... Huh? (thinking) Huh. That's odd. My body can't seem to eat any more ice cream. Hmm. If we can't finish all this ice cream, that means I didn't actually treat my family to a meal. Hmm... Oh!
(He spots Gina about to serve another meal to a different person.)
Cricket: Gina! Gene‐meister! Gina‐tina‐bobina. Hey, since we're friends, you're cool with cuttin' us some slack on this challenge, right? We don't need... to eat it all.
Gina: No one is exempt from the Official Crispy Rules...
(The book is placed in front of him.)
Cricket: But... but you're just saying this as a formality, right, buddy...?
Gina: (now menacingly) No one breaks the Crispy rules.
Cricket: (nervous chuckle) Yeah, I know. (beads of sweat forming) Just... seein' if you knew.
Gina: (drops the menacing stance) Okay, have fun.
Cricket: Yeesh. Some "friend."
Tilly (OS): Cricket? Were you talkin' to someone?
Tilly: I can't hear anything on account of Gramma's moans of agony.
Gramma: (mumbling moans of agony)
Cricket: Oh, curse this Crispy's rule book! (idea dawns on him; gasps) Rules! That's it! If there's this many rules, there's bound to be a loophole somewhere!
(He scans the book. He finds the appropiate rule... and doesn't read the fine print at all.)
Cricket: Let's see, let's see. Aha! "If the sundae is contaminated, then it must be thrown out!" Bingo bango!
(In comes a fly.)
Cricket: (menacing giggle) Perfect.
(He bites into his napkin and swallows it; he then takes a straw, and after adjusting it, fires the napkin onto the fly.)
Cricket: Yes! I mean, uh, excuse me, Gina! I'm oh so afraid that I have found a fly in our sundae!
Gina: (inspecting the sundae; the fly is on it) Hmm. Yes, this sundae is contaminated. I'll take care of it right away!
(She snaps her fingers and the burly men from earlier lugs the sundae away.)
Cricket: I can't believe it; we're freeee!
(The rhythmic clapping from earlier begins. Too soon to celebrate?)
♪ A fly died in your sundae ♪
♪ But stay right where you're sitting ♪
♪ We're gonna start your challenge ♪
♪ Back at the beginning! ♪
(The Greens are floored.)
Gina: You see, when a Crispy's Sundae Challenge has been contaminated, it is immediately replaced with a new sundae.
(With a magnifying glass, Gina shows Cricket the fine print.)
Gina (OS): Sorry for the inconvenience, sir. (gives him a coupon) Here's a coupon for 5% off your next meal at Crispy's.
Bill: That's it. I give up.
Tilly: I can't do this, either.
Bill: (sighs) Son, I'm disappointed in you.
Cricket: W-Wait! Sure, my plan was stupid, and I'm sorry for that... (grabs Bill's backside) ...but I just wanted to treat my family to a free meal! Isn't that a nice thing?
Bill: You call this a nice thing? Everybody's miserable!
(Nancy is pacing around...)
Nancy: Don't throw up, don't throw up...
(She turns green. Tilly is trying to pull her Gramma up.)
Tilly: C'mon, Gramma, let's go.
Gramma: Just leave me here to die...
Bill: This is all because you tried to take a shortcut, but there's just no such thing as a free meal! Speaking of which, I'm gonna go talk to the manager and figure out how we're gonna pay for dinner.
Cricket: Dad, I --
(He is left alone with the sundae. Cricket looks to it; the sundae morphs into a sundae Bill.)
Sundae Bill: Cricket, nice things in life must be earned. How will you earn this?
Cricket: How will I earn this?
Gina: Come on, champ, you'll never finish in time. Throw in the towel.
Gina (OS): Uh, did you hear me, bucko? It's quittin' time.
Cricket: I came here to give my family a meal. And now it's time... to earn it.
(With a battle cry, he launches into the sundae and starts to eat it all. As time passes, the other customers start to look at this.)
Customer: Look at him go!
(Bill is struggling to take money out...)
Bill: What do you mean you don't have money?! You're a bank!!
(Nancy is offering things to the cashier...)
Nancy: Hey, would you be interested in purchasing this fine leather jacket? Or how about a motorcycle? (shaking the cashier in desperation) Or my trailer??? I've got a real nice trailer!!!!
(Gramma has taken out her teeth; she now speaks in a lisp.)
Gramma: Fancy these teeth, young man? One of them is gold.
(The adult Greens gather around; hopeless.)
Bill: It's useless.
(Then a glimmer of hope is heard...)
Customers: (chanting) Eat that cream! Eat that cream!
Tilly: What is that?
The customers: Ooooh! Wow!
(The Greens get in between them...)
Bill: Excuse me, pardon me. Now what in the world is‐‐ ? (he sees the thing) No. it can't be!
(Cricket is absolutely bloated now.)
Bill (OS): Is that... Cricket???!?!?!!??!
(Yep, that's him, alright. Straining himself for a noble cause.)
Gramma: That boy is destroying himself!!
Bill: Son, you don't have to do this!!
Nancy: Yeah, we'll find another way!
Gina: Kid, listen to your family! If you explode, it'll be horrible publicity for Crispy's!! I'll knock 50 ‐‐ No, 75% off your meal if you stop right now!!
Cricket: (grunting) My. Family. Eats! FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
(With another battle cry, he knocks the bowl towards him. Time seems to slow to a crawl as the last piece of sundae flies in mid-air, amazing everyone. Time is swiftly running out; then it lands in his mouth, just in time! The Greens cheer for Cricket.)
Bill: You did it!
Gina: It... it's not possible!! No one's ever finished the Crispy's Sundae Challenge!
(The bloated Cricket stands up.)
Greens: (running to) Cricket!
Bill: Easy, easy now. We got ya, son.
(Cricket groans and is about to tumble due to his weight.)
Bill: Well, now we got ya! Cricket, I have to hand it to ya. You really earned that meal.
Gramma: Ya done good, boy!
Nancy: You really pulled through, Cricket!
Tilly: You're my hero, brother.
Cricket: Eh, thanks, everyone. And I'd just like to say‐‐
(...a BIG belch.)
Cricket: Heh, s'cuse me.