|"Football Camp"|| Next:|
Bengals Stadium, years ago
(Episode title appears on a blimp; a football game is going on.)
Announcer 1: Well, I don't believe my eyes -- Bengals star quarterback Russell "The Russ Bus" Remington has just run out of the stadium!
(A younger Russell is running out of the stadium, shocking passers by.)
Announcer 2: That's right, Bob. But what in the world could be more important than football?
Desk attendant: Next.
(Russel bursts in right on cue, scattering papers and knocking a waiting child off his feet.)
Russell: Hup! Hup! Hwa!
(Past two doctors and a patient on a bed, making them fall.)
Russel: Hup! Hwa!
Green male doctor: Hey, Russ Bus! Big fan!
(He enters one of the rooms.)
Russell: Where is he? (takes off helmet) Where's my brand new son?
Rashida: (in a bed holding a baby) Shh. He's resting.
Russell: (blushes and goes over) Let's see the little plunder.
(He undoes the blanket revealing the newborn Remy.)
Russell: Hey, Remy.
Baby Remy: Neyh!
Russell: Incredible. (gets a football) All right, let's see what he's got! (plops it on Remy's body)
Rashida: Russ, he was just born!
Russell: Sweetie, I was thrown in a time spiral when I was twelve minutes old. Okay, Remy! Daddy's open!
(The football just rolls off Remy, who giggles.)
Russell: (dejectedly) Oh...
Baby Remy: (mimicking him) Oh...
(We see a now adult Remy suit up for football.)
Offscreen voice: HIKE!
(Remy starts dodging and knocking other players as he carries the ball across the court.)
Remington Manor, Remy's game room
(Reveals it's just a video game Remy is playing.)
Cricket: Holy smokes, Remy! I've never seen anyone so good at a game before! (sees Remy blush and sweat) There's heat radiatin' off of ya!
Remy: It's from...concentration...!!!
(He struggles to make the last move; video game Remy scores a touchdown.)
Game announcer: TOUCHDOWN, BOYYYYYY!
Cricket: Whoo-hoo, whee! You're amazing at this game!
Remy: Not amazing enough. Egh! (drops controller)
Cricket: What's wrong, bud? Ya feelin' fussy?
Remy: No, I'm just under a lot of pressure. You know how my dad was like, a super famous pro football player?
Cricket: (looks at an autographed poster of Russell) Uh...yeah? For Pete's sake, we're playin' your dad's ding-dang game!
(He shows the cover to the game being played: Russell Remington's Football Destroyer '19.)
Remy: (sighs) I've tried for years to impress my dad with my violin playing, ballroom dancing, and puzzle-solving skills. But the only thing he cares about is football. (now smiles) But I have a plan! Y'see, today, I'm enrolled at my dad's -- (takes off top to reveal a sports shirt underneath) Annual -- uh-uh-oh, uh...
(He turns around to reveal what's written on the back of the shirt.)
Remy: The annual Lil' Bengals Football Camp!
Cricket: A football camp?
Remy: I've been preparing for it by playing this game nonstop. It's taught me so much about the sport. (playing) Draw in the linebackers with a fake...look off the safety...hit the tight end on the post...and...
(One motion, and he scores.)
Game announcer: TOUCHDOWN, BOYYYYYY!
(In the game, Russell steps forward.)
Video Game Russell: Great job, champ! I'm proud of ya!
Remy: (gasps; tears up)
Vasquez: Master Remy, it's time to leave for camp.
Remy: Wish me luck, my friend.
Cricket: I'll do ya one better and come along with ya!
Cricket: You're my friend, and you seem kind of emotionally fragile. I've got 'chur back!
Bengals stadium, playing field
(Various children are on the field wearing uniforms and practicing. Cricket and Remy arrive from the wings.)
Cricket: Hey, Remy, this thing's pretty sturdy. I am indestructible!
(He plows his head into the grass then reemerges with the bits of grass on his head. A horn blows, blowing the grass off his head.)
Russell (VO): Welcome, campers, to...
(Show a muscular arm of Russell gripping a football, making it explode. Reveals the logo of the camp.)
Russell (VO): The Lil' Bengals Football Camp!
(The kids are impressed; in awe.)
Russell (VO): Now give it up for your host...
(Show an image of him, which he rushes through.)
Russell: ...two time Ultra Bowl champion, Russell "The Russ Buss" Remington!
(Aside him are various women cheering for him. He strikes a pose; fighter jets soar the skies above.)
Bill: What do you think about Cricket and Remy playing football in the home of the Big City Bengals?
Tilly: (licks her ice cream) It's pretty neat.
Gramma (OS): It's not neat!
(On her, wearing red and yellow paint.)
Gramma: The Greens are Roosters fans!! I can't believe y'all dragged me into enemy territory!
(Pan left to see a hapless Bengals fan... in her way.)
Gramma: (megaphone) ROOSTERS RULE! BENGALS STINK! Y'all are a bunch of trash bags!!!
Bill: Ma, be civil! Your grandson is down there!
Gramma: My former grandson.
Russell: Now listen up, kids! You're here to learn, and have a good time, but also to compete for my approval. At day's end, I will select the most worthy footballer among you as most valuable player; Camp MVP! Biggy the Bengal, bring out the goods!
(A tray is lugged out; reveals the mascot as a tiger. From the bleachers, Tilly gasps, obviously wanting the tiger.)
Tilly: Now, that's a big kitty!
Russell (OS): Camp MVP will receive Russ Bus merchandise, an autographed copy of End Zone Rush, and most valuable of all...
(Shows each item as he says it. He is on the last tarp.)
Russell: ...my respect and eternal admiration.
The other kids and Cricket: Whoa!
(But Remy is shaking with fear, as...)
Remy: That's all I've ever wanted!!!
(He closes his mouth; spotted!)
Russell (OS): Remy?! (on him as Cricket and Remy walk to him) What are you doing here?
Remy: Hey, Dad, I'm here to play. I... like... football!
Cricket: It's true. He's a regular football freak.
Russell: Well, block my linebackers. I thought this day would never come! But don't expect special treatment just because you're my son.
Remy: (helmets on) Bring it on!
(Tilly emerges from a tub of energy drink.)
Tilly: Hi! I couldn't help but notice that you are a gigantic feline.
Biggy the Bengal: Mm‐hmm.
Tilly: I have come to offer you affection.
(She starts reaching for him, almost taking the mask off.)
Biggy: Oh... Whoa!!
Tilly: Come here, now.
(Biggy does not talk, but gestures "no." He walks off.)
Tilly: Peculiar. It seems this feline has never felt the joy of a good head pat. I must enlighten him. After all, when Tilly sets her mind to petting a kitty cat, she's gonna pet that kitty cat!
(She lowers herself into the tub.)
(An intricate obstacle course is set up.)
Russell: Now, if you wanna win MVP, you gotta learn some basic drills. Watch and learn!
(He does the course.)
Russell: Ooh, ahh! (clears the gate; rushes into a dummy) Waah‐bam! (finishes the course; the dummy flies into the sky, never to be seen again) Ha‐ha! Still got it.
(The other kids are amazed; Remy is just... terrified of how he's going to do this.)
Cricket: With all that video game has taught you, this should be a piece of cake.
Russell: (hands Cricket the football) Green, you're up. Let's see what you got.
Cricket: (walking off) Time to tote the big brown bean.
Russell: Don't call it that.
(From the bleachers:)
Bill: Go, Cricket!
(He throws the ball, then he does the course his own way; obviously incorrect. Whistle blown!)
Cricket: (biting into one of the things) Hmm? How'd I do, Coach?
Russell: You're fast and agile, but have no brains whatsoever.
Cricket: Tough but fair. Your turn, Remy! Show your old man what you can do.
(He is concentrating; ready. Analyzing the course like a football player.)
Remy: Okay, Remy, just like in the video game. Here we go! Aah!
(He only manages to get himself stuck in the tire; the kids wince at this as he hits something off-screen.)
Cricket: A little rusty, but no worries.
Cricket: ...Still feelin' it out.
Cricket: Okay, come on, Remy. Enough foolin' around!
(Crash... crash... crash. Crying, he rolls away, and presumably down the stairs he goes, as evidenced by his exclaiming off-screen. Russell sighs.)
Cricket: What the heck happened out there?
Remy: I don't know! It's like my brain knows what to do... (feels his body) but my doughy little body just can't do it. Coming here was a mistake... (slurps drink)
Cricket: It's a dang shame! You'd be unstoppable if only we could put your brainful brains in my brainless body. (idea; gasps) I know exactly what we'll do!
Remy: Well, y‐you do?
Cricket: I... do!
(Biggy serves a fan a drink; Tilly is now... luring the mascot with tuna?)
Tilly: All right, big kitty.
(She opens the can with her teeth, then slides it away.)
Tilly: Let's see if you can resist the tuneful tune of tuna.
Biggy: (humming, steps on the can) Huh?
(And from nowhere comes a sprinting Tilly!)
Tilly: I JUST WANNA GIVE YOU LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(There goes Biggy, Tilly still in pursuit.)
Russell: (blows whistle) All right, next up, the scrimmage. It's your best chance to impress me and win MVP. So don't mess, uh... What the -- Remy?!
(Remy is twice as tall as the other kids, with his body looking a tad bit weirder.)
Remy: (chuckles) Guess I'm big now.
Bill: Whoa, Remy got tall.
Gramma: Yeah, weirdly tall...
Russell: (chuckles) Well, puberty hit me all at once, too. Let's see what you can do with it.
(Remy's smile turns into a frown.)
Remy: Cricket, are you sure this is going to work?
Cricket (OS): I'm 100% confident this plan is flawless.
(Whistle. Transition to a football game about to start.)
Russell: All right! Line up and play ball!
Remy: Now, remember, I'm the brains...
Cricket: And I'm the skittery little body.
Remy: Blue 18, set, hike!
(The player throws it behind him; the game has started. Remy has the ball.)
Remy: Cricket, run!!
(He starts to run.)
(Out of the field.)
Russell: What in the football world??
(They have problems balancing.)
Remy: Turn, turn! Not out of bounds!!!! Hard cut right! Spin move! (another kid spins out) Juke left! (another kid misses tackle) And stop!
Russell (OS): I can't believe it! He scored a touchdown!
(The game starts again.)
Remy: Hike! Throw left!
(Tackled. More kids are trying to win possession of the ball...)
Russell: Ha‐ha! Yeah!
(Remy and Cricket continue their dominance plan.)
Remy: Stiff arm, nine o'clock!
(Prod; down he goes.)
(Bill is cheering; Gramma doesn't.)
(Biggy backs away from...)
Tilly: COME HERE, YOU!
(Who latches herself onto him. Biggy screams!)
(Remy pants and passes...)
Russell: You're dominating out there! I think I found my MVP!
Remy: Body, wait!
(Cricket skids to a stop.)
Remy: What'd you say, Dad?
(This momentary distraction was a fatal mistake; two kids tackle them, splitting the disguise in half! The scene slows down...)
(And Remy is in the way of Biggy and Tilly; Remy collides with the mascot, unmasking him.)
Actor: What? NO!!!
(They hit the ground.)
Bill: (gags) I think I'm gonna be sick.
Remy: Uh... Ow, my legs!
Cricket: Uh, ow, I'm legs.
Russell:Jumpin' Georgia pass, I can't believe it!!
Tilly: I can't either. A DECIEVER!!!
Remy: I'm very disappointed, Remy. And to think I was gonna name you MVP...
Cricket: Well, you've got some learnin' to do, Mr. Remington. (approaches the prize table) Remy may not have all the moves for this field, but he's the best digital quarterback this side of wherever. Better than you, I bet!
Remy: Uh, Cricket, what are you doing??
Russell: No one's gonna be better than me at my own video game. (to Remy) You really think you can take me on, son?
Cricket: (winks) ...Wink.
Remy: Yes. Yes, I do...?
Russell: (chuckling) All right, then! Game on!
The field; facing the jumbotron
(The game starts on the big screen.)
Remy: Oh, corduroy, Cricket. If I lose, my dad will never be proud of me.
Cricket: Stay cool, man. This is what you've been training for. You've got this. You're a genius.
Cricket: We're both geniuses.
(As Remy takes his place, the Greens cheer for him.)
Bill: Whoo! Let's go, Remy! Yeah, you can do it!
Tilly: Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, go, Remy!
(Cricket joins them.)
Cricket: Let's do it!
Gramma: I hope you both lose. Go, Roosters!
(The game starts.)
In-Game Russell: Hike!
Russell: Just so you know, I'm not goin' easy on‐‐
(Remy does a trick in-game and apparently gets a...)
In-Game Russell: TOUCHDOWN, BOYYYYYY!
Russell: Whoa, how did you do that?
Remy: Dad, I play the game on super hard mode.
Russell: Well, son, buckle up, cause I'm puttin' this bus into high gear!
Remy: Heh. Bring it on.
(A Remy and Russell collision serves as a transition to a brief in-game sequence where Remy, who has the ball, is tackled by Russell.)
Russell: Ha ha!
(Russell scores; Remy tackles; in real life they're sweating. They continue to play as they sweat even harder.)
Tilly: Excuse me, Papa. I don't understand what's happening at all.
Bill: Well, sweetie, it's close. It's the fourth quarter, and they're neck and neck.
(As shown on the screen.)
Tilly: Follow‐up question: Is Remy okay?
(Remy's face goes red from all the concentration.)
Cricket: Oh, no. He's concentrating too hard again. I can feel the heat from here! (calls for him) Hey, you okay, buddy?
Remy: I'm just... running hot.
(He's down! Collapsing due to the heat.)
Cricket (OS): REMY!!!!!...
(His voice fades away as we fade to...)
(Back to newborn Remy, who has a football put on him.)
Young Russell: Okay, Remy, Daddy's open!
(All Remy does is drop it, giggling.)
Young Russell: (sighs) Disappointed in my own baby.
(Suddenly, newborn Remy comes to life; impossibly getting the ball...)
Baby Remy: (babbling) I am no baby! I AM A MAN!!!
(...and tossing it Russell's way.)
Young Russell: Oof!
(That is enough to break the wall behind him.)
Baby Remy: RESPECT ME!!!!!!!!!
Remy: (comes to) ...Football! What happened??!
Cricket: (from the bleachers) Remy, hurry! Your dad's about to win! Get back in the game!!!
(Russell is about to win. Determined, Remy rises and grabs the controller...)
Russell: Here comes my winning touchdown!
Remy: Think again, maybe!
(Now they're contesting for the ball which is in Russell's hands. Remy uses the power of button mashing to take the ball from Russell; he then throws him over.)
(And he does it! He has scored a...)
In-Game Russell: TOUCHDOWN, BOYYYYYY!
Remy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!
(In the game, a crowd cheers for him. Remy is in awe at Russell's appearance on the screen...)
In-Game Russell: Great job, Champ! I'm‐‐
(Screen turned off.)
Russell: Remy, I don't understand! How did you beat me at my own game? You don't even like football!
Remy: I love football!--
Russel: Remy, why did you come here today?
Remy: Oh-oh, well, I...I wanted to get good at football so you'd be impressed?
Russell: But there are other ways to impress me than football!
Russell: ...Maybe you're right. Remy, I owe you an apology. Football is my life, but it shouldn't have to be yours if you want my attention. You're incredible on the violin. You ballroom dance like an angel. And you're much better than I was at solving puzzles. Beatin' me at this video game doesn't impress me; you impress me. Now, I got something I should've told you a long time ago.
Remy: Oh my gosh...!!
(He prepars for it; and there it is.)
Russell: Ahem... Great job, Champ! I'm proud of you.
Remy: HOLY COW!! Thanks, Dad.
(Cricket is moved to tears by this; whimpering...)
Bill: Cricket, are you... cryin'?
Cricket: (after some resisting, lets it out) NO!!! (sobbing) It's so beautiful...!!
(He hugs Tilly.)