|"Gramma's License"|| Next:|
Green's house, backyard
(Episode title appears on a garden sign; Bill is at work in the garden.)
Bill: (humming) ♫ Oh, you plant your seeds down in the dirt, ♫
♫ You bury 'em deep so they don't get hurt. ♫
♫ You wait a few months, they turn into plants, ♫
♫ And that's when you do the little plants dance! ♫ Ha!
Hey, that wasn't that bad.
Bill: (shocked) GAH!
Cricket: You're never gonna believe this! There's a place across town that sells this super fancy ice cream called "frozen yogurt"!
(While saying this, he takes out an advertisement for a place called Burt's Gurt!.)
Tilly: They cut a sauce that says birthday cake, they put in the blender!
Cricket: Can we go, Dad? Please? Please? Pretty please? C'mon! Please, please, please?
Tilly: Please? Please? Please? Please, please, please, please, please?
Bill: Aww, sorry, kids. I've got a lotta plantin' to do before sundown. But y'know...if we all pitched in and worked together, we could --
Cricket: Nah, I'll just ask Gramma to drive us. (looks over at her lounging)
Bill: Ooh...I don't know about that. I haven't seen her drive in a while, so it might not be the best idea to --
Gramma (OS): HEY! (throws a book in his face)
Gramma: I heard that! Come on, kids, let Gramma take you for a spin.
Cricket, Tilly: Yaaaaay! (follow her away)
Bill:: Hey wait! Fine! Enjoy your yogurt! I'm gonna stay here and fill up on hard work! (pause; sighs)
Gramma: (opens the door) And...here we are!
Cricket: Uh, Gramma, what are we doin' in the old garage? Dad's truck is in the front yard.
Gramma: (stands next to something under a tarp) We're not taking that hunk o' junk! We're ridin'...
(She pulls the tarp away to expose an antique car from Abraham Motors; she dusts off the license plate, it reads "HOTRDAL1CE".)
Gramma: In style.
(One of the mirrors breaks off.)
Cricket: Wow! Gramma, I didn't know you had a car!
Gramma: There's a lot you don't know about me, boy!
(She goes over to a shelf with various racing trophies; she takes down her fingerless racing gloves.)
Gramma: I was a queen of the track! Hot Rod Alice, they called me. (looks at a picture of herself when younger as a car racer) I was unstoppable.
Tilly: So that's where I inherited my need for speed.
Gramma: (putting on fingerless gloves) Darn right! Now let's go get that 'gurt!
Cricket, Tilly: YEAH!
(The car drives off the lawn onto the road.)
Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: Yogurt! Yogurt! Yogur --
(They end up smashing into Officer Keys' police car.)
Cricket: Ugh...you okay gramma?
Gramma: That dang fool came outta nowhere! You all saw it!
Keys: (appears at the window) I sure saw it! And felt it, too! Looks like we've gotten ourselves into a delicious little t-bone, here! (chuckles) Ma'am, I'm gonna need to see your license, please.
Gramma: Hmm. (hands it to him) There, read it and weep.
Keys: Oh, my!
(The license is rather old and worn out, due to being decades older than now.)
Keys: Your license expired before I was even born! Looks like you'll have to get a new one!
Gramma: (smugly) Oh. Well, what a shame, officer. Eh, there must be something you can do to...help out a girl in need? Hmm? (smooches)
Keys: Guh. Uh, I'm afraid not, Miss Green. Y'see, a license like this has no purpose anymore. It's old. It's useless. (it withers into dust) Oh, look -- it's actually turning to dust right before our eyes! (Gets out notebook) Anywho, ticket time! Miss Green, if you ever want to get behind the wheel again, you'll have to retake the driver's test! (hands her a ticket) O-o-okay...now I'm gonna go call a tow truck for you and an ambulance for me! (walks away laughing) Ow!
Front yard, some time later
(The car is shown getting towed.)
Gramma: Easy, now! Oh, you be careful with her! You scratch my paint, I'll have your hind! (groans)
Bill: Listen, Ma. You don't need your license. Now that we all live together, I can drive you wherever you need to go. So you can just sit here and do nothing. I'm gonna go with the tow truck guy, I'll be back later.
(The truck tows the car away; Cricket and Tilly approach her.)
Cricket: Ah, don't listen to Dad. I bet you'll ace that driver's test. You'll be back on the road in no time.
Gramma: I ain't takin' that test! (throws her gloves on the porch; stands) That Officer Keys is a tyrant! I got nothing to prove to him or anyone else!
Cricket: Wow. Gramma's really mad. She's even grindin' her teeth.
(Shows Gramma literally grinding her dentures on a grinding wheel.)
Cricket: Why is she so upset?
Tilly: Maybe she just needs a confidence boost.
Cricket: Hmm... (an idea hits him) Tilly, you're right! And I know just how to do it...
(He picks up Gramma's gloves.)
(Gramma is sitting in her chair, reading a sewing book, aptly titled "What's the Point?".)
Tilly (OS): Hey, Gramma.
(Reveals Tilly next to the chair.)
Tilly: There's something outside I need to show you.
Gramma: Oh...Tilly, did you turn the backyard into a rat circus again?
Tilly: Nope. This is even better.
(Tilly opens the door to let Gramma out; Cricket stands before them.)
Gramma: What the...?
Cricket: Hel-looooo, Gramma! And welcome to...Cricket's Crash Course for Learning How to Not Crash Course!
(He presents an obstacle course behind him.)
Cricket: We're gonna help you pass that driver's test! (tapping the family tractor) And you'll be learnin' on this baby right 'chere.
Gramma: Boy, where'd you get all those traffic cones?
Cricket: Oh, you know. Around...?
(In the distance, we hear cars crash.)
Gramma: Well, put 'em back! I already know how to drive, and I sure as heck don't need to take lessons from a couple of imps!
Cricket: Tilly, can you handle this, please?
Tilly: Of course.
(She makes puppy dog eyes and tries to hold back tears.)
Cricket: Oh man, just look at this, Gramma! You're tearing your granddaughter apart!
Gramma: (strains a bit) ALRIGHT, FINE! I'll do the dang course, just knock it off, Tilly!
Tilly: (reverts to normal) Okay.
(Minutes later, Cricket clicks a pen open and puts on one of Bill's hats with tape reading "TEACH". He stands behind Gramma in the tractor holding a clipboard.)
Cricket: A'right, Miss Green. Take this nice and slow. Go ahead and shift into turtle for me.
Gramma: Oh...come on, Alice. Pull yourself together.
(She sets the tractor to the turtle setting; the tractor starts moving slowly.)
Cricket: Very good, now head towards those cones. Easy...easy... (she moves around them) We're turning...still turning...and boom, there we go.
Gramma: (smiles) Hmm. All right...this ain't too bad.
Cricket: (writing on clipboard) Uh-huh. Very good. Very -- TILLY, NOW!
(Shows Tilly next to the track holding a pram with a baby doll inside.)
Tilly: (play acting) Oh, no! I lost control of my baby! (pushes it onto the track)
Baby Doll: Mama.
(Gramma gasps and steers around the pram.)
Cricket: Nice work! You never know what you're gonna encounter on the road!
(Cuts to Tilly; the baby doll is now dressed in teenage clothes and strapped to a skateboard.)
Tilly: Oh no, my baby's now a teenager and is goin' through a rebellious phase! (pushes it onto the track)
(Gramma snickers and steers around the doll.)
Cricket: Nice work, Gramma! And now it's just slow and steady to the finish line!
Gramma: Heh, I've got a better idea. (puts the tractor on the rabbit setting) A race to the finish! (laughs)
Cricket: Gramma, no!! AAAGH!!
(She approaches the finish rather fast; all of a sudden, an animatronic Halloween ghoul pops out of nowhere and cackles.)
Cricket, Gramma: AAAAGH!!!
Gramma: OH, SHOCK AND ROLL, CRICKET! AGH!
(They jump off the tractor as it knocks over the baby in its pram, a bucket of vegetables, some trees, and crashes through Phoenix's doghouse into the garage and stops. A tire bounces past them.)
Gramma: Oh, Alice...
Cricket: TILLY! (stomps over to her) What were you thinkin'?! This wasn't part of the plan!!
Tilly: The road holds many unexpected surprises. Some things are meant to be run over.
Ghoul: Happy Halloween! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Cricket: Hmm. (smiles) Well, I'll have to applaud your enthusiasm, Tilly. Okay, Gramma, ready to try again? Gramma? (sees Gramma going back inside) Hey, where you goin'? We're not finished!
Gramma: Well, I am! I'm finished. (closes door)
Tilly: Poor Gramma.
(One of the baby doll's eyes falls out.)
Cricket: Huh. Givin' up isn't like her at at! I think it's time we took this plan from turtle to rabbit.
(Gramma is making embroidery reading "Whatever" over a broken heart.)
Cricket: Hey, Gramma! I got somethin' I need to --
Gramma: No, Cricket! I'm done with drivin'! No more crazy schemes!
Cricket: (seemingly hurt) All right... If that's how you truly feeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll... (grabs Gramma's glasses off her face) GAH! GOT YOUR GLASSES! (runs away and laughs)
Gramma: Huh..?! I can't see nuthin'!
Gramma: (hobbles out the front door blind) WHERE DO YOU GO, YOU LITTLE GREMLIN!? Hmm...
(She squints and sees a rather blurry view of Cricket.)
Cricket: Over here, Gramma! This way! (disappears to the right)
(She mumbles to herself, blindingly trying to follow him; Cricket runs up a wood ramp.)
Cricket: C'mon! Hurry up, Gramma!
Gramma: (following him) Wait 'til I get my hands on you!!!
(Reveals she was tricked into entering the Kludge.)
(She sits up as the kids peek up from the back seat.)
Gramma: What's goin' on? Where am I?
(Cricket starts the Kludge and puts Gramma's glasses back on her head.)
Cricket: Class is back in session!
Gramma: What is it...? Bill's truck?! YOU TRICKED ME!
Cricket: I'm real sorry about that, Gramma. (Gramma sits with her eyes closed and arms folded) I guess you'll just have to take the wheel, and drive.
Cricket: What do you mean, "No"?
Gramma: Nobody tricks me and tells me what to do! (buckles up and folds her arms again)
Cricket: (looks up ahead) Uh-oh...
(The Kludge starts zooming down a steep hill.)
Cricket: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
Cricket: Gramma, come on! You gotta take the wheel!
(The Kludge drives through a red light intersection, causing two cars to stop.)
Driver 1: HEY! WATCH IT, PAL!
Driver 2: Randall?
Driver 1 (Randall): Phyllis!
Cricket: Look, Gramma, I'm sorry I tricked you, okay? We just wanted to help you get your confidence back so you can pass that dang test!
(Gramma doesn't answer; up ahead, a hot dog vendor is crossing the street with his stand.)
Hot dog vendor: ♫ I looooove selling hot doooooogs! ♫
(The Kludge drives right through it, destroying it and sending hot dogs everywhere.)
Hot dog vendor: ♫ NOOOOOOOO! ♫
Tilly: Aww...poor hot dog man. (eats a hot dog she somehow caught)
Cricket: C'mon, Gramma! Just drive already! What's wrong with you!?! You're Hot Rod Alice, for goodness sake! Why won't you drive??!!?
(As Cricket says the last sentence, Gramma starts to grow progressivly pensive; unable to hold it in anylonger...)
Gramma: 'CAUSE I'M SCARED, CRICKET! OKAY?!
Cricket: Wuh...? You're scared?
Gramma: I'm scared of gettin' old! I'm scared of becoming useless! And I'm scared that if I fail that driver's test, it'll prove just that.
Cricket: I...I didn't know you felt that way.
Tilly: It's okay, Gramma. Lots of things scare me, too. Like that gate we're about to smash through.
Cricket: (confused) The what?
(Indeed there's a closed gate dead ahead.)
Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Gate guard: No no no no no no no no -- (The Kludge smashes right through.) AWW!
(They end up in the middle of an unknown arena in the dark.)
Cricket: Well, at least we stop movin'. I think we're finally safe.
(Two cars crash headfirst into each other.)
Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: AGH!
(They are in the middle of a demolition derby!)
Announcer: OUCHIE-WAHWAH! Looks like cars 5 and 2 just munched bumpers and narrowly avoided hitting that unmarked pickup truck! Which doesn't seem to be on my list, but hey -- we didn't get into the demolition derby business to worry about tiny details! Now let's see if they've got what it takes to survive the menacing clutches of...CRUNCHASAURUS REX!!
(Here comes Crunchasaurus Rex, a humongous dinosaur robot with truck parts, which roars loudly as the flamethrower in its mouth blazes. In the stands, Benny and five other spectators cheer, the man next to him ripping his shirt off.)
Brown dude: MARRY ME, CRUNCHASAURUS!
(Crunchasaurus' foot smashes #6; it roars. Cricket watches, completely terrified.)
Gramma: Would you look at that. One dinosaur about to eat another. (slumps) How fitting.
Cricket: Listen. I know you're scared of gettin' old, but ya can't just give up! That's not who you are! You might not be Hot Rod Alice anymore, but that's okay.
(He produces her gloves.)
Cricket: Because you're somethin' even better: our Gramma.
Tilly: Our Hot Rod Gramma!
Gramma: (taking them) Aw, kids... Come here.
(She embraces them, but the moment is ruined when the Kludge shakes, startling them.)
Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: (various shouting)
(They are grabbed by Crunchasaurus and lifted up to its mouth, where they are about to be eaten.)
Cricket, Tilly, Gramma: AAAAAAAGH!!!
Announcer: HOLY CRUNCH-A-MUNGA! Looks like the diesel dino has found its next victim!
Benny: HIT THE SOWS, CWUNCHASAUWUS!
(The Kludge is getting chewed; Gramma has all confidence come back to her.)
Gramma: That's it! (puts her gloves on) No more mopin' around! (adjusts the mirror) Time to show everyone what HOT ROD GRAMMA CAN DO!!
(She slams on the gas, causing the tires to spin and plow Crunchasaurus' upper jaw right off. The Kludge slides down the back to safety as Crunchasaurus' remains start to explode. The crowd is not amused.)
Benny: (crying) CWUNCHASAWUS! NOOOOOOOO!!!
Announcer: (also crying) CRUNCHY! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (banging the desk) MY BEAUTIFUL METAL BOY!
Cricket: Go, Gramma!
Gramma: Told ya I know how to drive.
(She dodges every falling remain of Crunchasaurus there is.)
Cricket: STEP ON IT, GRAMMA!
(Two of the cars are driving right in front of the exit.)
Gramma: I've got a better idea.
(She changes gears as Cricket covers his eyes and whimpers in fright. The Kludge stops, and the cars crash into each other! Then the Kludge drives calmly around them and out.)
Gramma: That's a little somethin' I call the turtle maneuver. Learned it from the best. (winks) Now let's go home!
Cricket, Tilly: Yaaaaaay!
(The Kludge makes its exit; Crunchasaurus' claw crashes down.)
Greens' house, backyard
(Bill has boarded up the hole in the garage.)
Bill: There, good as new. Next I just gotta fix the tractor, my truck, and everything else that Ma broke.
Gramma (OS): I HEARD THAT!
(Gramma is standing on the back steps, very proud of herself.)
Cricket: Gramma! You're back!
Tilly: How'd the driver's test go, Hot Rod?
Gramma: Well, naturally, your old Gramma aced it with flyin' colors.
(She holds up her new license, which has "RESTRICTED" stamped below her picture.)
Gramma: Course, I can't drive on freeways, or after dark, but I still got it! Now, who wants frozen yogurt? I'll drive. (winks)
Cricket, Tilly: YEAAAHHHH!!!/WHOOOOOO!!!
Bill: Well, with all the work to do still, it sure would go a lot faster if we all --
(They are already leaving.)
Cricket: Naaaaaah! Bye, Dad!
Bill: (sighs tiredly) Well...
(He walks up to the ghoul from before propped up in the dirt.)
Bill: At least I got you to help me out.
Ghoul: Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Happy Halloween!
Bill: Um...sure. Happy Halloween.