Big City streets
(Episode title appears on a street sign hanging from a traffic light pole. Bill is walking down the sidewalk.)
Bill: Ah, nuthin' like a nice walk to clear my head. Maybe not as relaxin' as back home, but I can just pretend I'm in the country. I got a little nature. (leans against a tree) Ah...tree.
(The moment is ruined by a passing taxi which backfires smoke in his face, making him cough.)
Angry man: (on phone; passes by) Yeah, and put pepperoni on it! (bumps into Bill) SMOTHER IT IN CHEESE!
Hobo: (comes over) Hey, buddy! Wanna buy a beard?
Bill: Uh...no thanks.
Hobo: Probably a good decision. (leaves)
Nagging woman in window: Hey! Your electric guitar is so loud, I can't hear my electric guitar!
Nagging man in window: Oh, yeah?!
Nagging woman in window: YEAH!
(They play their guitars loudly; Bill covers his ears and groans. Shows a mob of businessmen on their phones and teens eating in a car.)
Teenage boy: Yeah-heh! Teenagers!
(Shows a siren going off, a barking dog, and the buildings getting bigger in delusion as Bill screams.)
Green's house, hallway/living room
(Bill slams the door open and pants.)
Bill: Hmm? (looks at a picture of a deer in the forest on the wall) This guy's got the right idea. (goes to his family in the living room) Hey, everyone! We're takin' a day trip to the country, so get in the truck! Right now!
Bill: No, Ma. You're not gettin' a shotgun.
Gramma: Fine! But I'm sittin' up front.
Big City expressway/Kludge
(The Kludge is driving on the highway out of Big City)
Bill: Ah, can't wait to get back to the country. Calm and quiet, wide-open spaces, and views as far as the eye can see. Everything the city doesn't have.
Cricket: Well, we'd better get there soon! (fidgets) Gettin' jittery! Might need to kick a seat! (grunts and kicks his feet)
Tilly: Don't fret, Cricket. There's plenty of fun to be had on the road. (looks out the window) Oh, my! Do you see that?
(Shows the rears of the cars she watches; they look like faces.)
Tilly (OS): All these cars have happy little faces on their butts! (spots one particular car that is dirty) Oh, no. Except for that one! (back to her) It's so dirty, it just wants to be clean! (as the car) "Wash me, Tilly! You gotta wash me!" (normal) I wish I could.
Gramma: I know what'll help pass the time: some good ol' fashioned tunes.
(She turns on the radio and flips through the stations.)
Gramma: Nah...No...NO! (turns radio off) I'm sick of all these new-fangled jumpin' jams! I want a song like me: an oldie, but a goodie.
Cricket: UGGGGGHHHHH!!! So...bored!!! Need entertainment...!!!
(He looks at a truck next to him and calls out to the driver.)
Cricket: Hey, mister! Honk your horn! (mimes honking)
Wholesome Foods Trucker: (chuckles) Okay! No harm in that!
(He honks, which scares Bill.)
Bill: AGH! Geeze, city drivers are so aggressive!
(The truck drives away to let another take its place.)
Cricket: All right, a second truck! Gimmie some sweet honkage!
(Unfortunately, the driver of this truck is not as nice-looking as the one before it; he growls at Cricket.)
Cricket: Why isn't he honkin'? C'mon, buddy! Gimmie that toot-toot!
(The driver just shakes his head.)
Cricket: Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh? I'm gonna get a honk outta you whether you like it or not! (mimes honking)
Scary Trucker: (speaks mocking gibberish)
Cricket: Honk! That! Horn! (the Kludge stops) Whoa!
Bill: Ugh, great.
Cricket: What's goin' on, Dad? Why'd we stop?
Bill: Everyone stopped, look!
(Shows they are in the middle of a huge traffic jam on the highway.)
Bill (OS): It's bumper-to-bumper out there! We're totally gridlocked! (back to him) We're like sardines crammed in here! These cement walls are so high!! I can barely breathe!!!
Tilly (OS): Hey, Papa? I got an idea. (Shows her.) Since we're stopped, why don't we get outta the car? We could...y'know...stretch our legs, catch our breath, wash a stranger's car...
(She looks out at the muddy car she saw.)
Bill: (sighs) Not a bad idea...Tilly.
Outside the Kludge
(Bill opens the door, but it hits the car next to them.)
Bill: DAH! Jeez... (struggling to get out) Okay, no problems...!
Tilly: 'Cuse me, Papa! (hops out)
(He stumbles; his buttocks land on the back window of the car next to him, disturbing the teen girl inside.)
Teen girl: Ack! MOOOOOM!!!
Bill: Sorry! Sorry! Let me just... (gets himself onto the road) There we go. (sighs)
(Cricket:' Oh, man! Things are just gettin' good! Now we're stuck here, and I'm more bored than ever!
(A knock catches him off-guard.)
(He sees the scary trucker eyeing him icely right next to him; he holds up the hook on his hand.)
Cricket: OH MY GOSH, HE'S GOT A HOOK HAND!?! (The scary trucker gets off the truck.) Huh...? He's comin' over here?! W-w-w-why is he doin' that!!??
(He pants worryingly, unbuckles and gets out.)
Tilly: Hey there, little guy. I'm gonna make you into the happy car you were meant to be.
(She splashes a bottle of water onto the car's mud.)
Tilly: There we go! Huh...?
(The water just makes it muddier.)
Tilly: (as the car) "I'm so filthy, Tilly! I'm cryin'! I'm cryin' dirty, muddy tears!" (normal) Oh, no. He's gettin' even sadder! What do I do!?
Random traffic area
Bill: (runs into view) Phew! Finally, a little breathin' room. (stretches)
Red male driver: (from far away) Hey! Stretching your legs? Mind if i join?
Blue female driver: (opens her door) Cool! Highway party!
Green male driver: I got chips!
(More drivers surround him and chatter.)
Blue male driver: (holds up a radio) AWWWW YEAH! Turn up the traffic jams!
(Everyone begins dancing as the "Fun" song from "Cricket Versus" plays over the radio; one driver bumps into Bill.)
Bill: Oof! Hey! Grr...I'm sick of all these cars and people and noise! Time to find out what's causin' all this traffic once and for all!
(The scary trucker has arrived; Cricket hides behind a tire.)
Cricket: (whimpers) Why won't he leave? What does this guy want from me?
(He imagines the trucker driving his truck like mad.)
Scary Trucker: (laughs evilly)
(Pan down to reveal Cricket strapped to the grille with loads of chains.)
Cricket: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH --
Cricket: -- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (shuts mouth) I wonder if he heard that.
(He looks under the Kludge; and the scary trucker looks right back at him.)
(He runs away. Inside...)
Gramma: Let's see here...
(She starts changing stations.)
Gramma: Gah, stupid!...
(She stops at one particular station.)
DJ: Welcome back, listeners! We are taking your song requests, so call in now!
Gramma: Don't mind if I do. (gets out her phone)
DJ: Hello, caller! You're on the line.
Gramma: You've been playin' trash all day! You better play a song I like or I'm comin' down there and causing a RUCKUS!!!!!
Gramma: Is that what you want boy?! A RUCKUS!!?? I ain't above it!!!
DJ: Oh-ho-ho, we got a feisty one here! Reminds me of my mother. I could never please my mother. Which is why I'm gonna find that perfect song you've been craving. Sound good, Mom? Uh-ah-ah...I mean...Ma'am?
Gramma: Yeah, whatever! Just make it snappy.
DJ: Okay, Mommy, I love you!
Gramma: (hangs up) Heh!
(Tilly is trying to wipe off the mud with some papers and napkins.)
Tilly: These...napkins and Papa's proof of insurance aren't workin'! You're still filthy!
(A loud honk is heard; she turns her head and notices a firetruck behind her.)
Firefighter 1: Why isn't anyone moving!!?? Don't they know it's lunchtime!!??
Firefighter 2: Aww, somebody's a grumpy bear today. Y'need to take a walk?
Firefighter 1: Yeah...
(The firefighters leave; Tilly sees the fire hose on the roof.)
Tilly: Oh...that'll do nicely.
Front of the jam
Keys: (into a megaphone) Everyone, remain calm! I just found out this megaphone -- (robotically) CAN DO A ROBOT VOICE. BEEP-BOOP.
Bill: (walks up) Excuse me, officer? What's goin' on here?
Keys: (through megaphone) WELL -- (The noise hurts Bill's ears; normal) Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we have received reports that there is an animal loose on the highway! (sternly) It's bad. (happy) So, just go back to your car and wait. (shows a pensive Bill) This whole situation will be over in a matter of several hours!
Bill: NO!!! (marching right past) Pardon me, officer, but I'm gonna take care of this myself!
Keys: Well, okay. Wow, I've never met such a brave and stupid man.
Empty highway area
Bill: Skittish city folk, blockin' up the whole dang highway... probably just a squirrel or some some...thing...
(He looks at a warn out sign that appears to read "Stay away".)
Bill: Well... maybe a really big squirrel. (hears rustling) Eek! What was that?
(It was just a tumbleweed rolling behind him.)
Bill: (calling after) I know you're out there! And I don't care how big a beast ya are! I'm not lettin' you or anything else stop me from gettin' out of the city!
(Pans behind him to reveal the animal gone loose; a single deer under sunlight. Bill is touched.)
Bill: Oh...! It's a majestic, young buck! What's a gentle creature like you doin' out here?
(The deer notices Bill as the sunlight goes out, and becomes ferocious.)
Bill: What's that little guy up to? (The deer ducks down.) Is he about to...?
(Yes indeed; he charges right for him!)
Bill: Yep. He's chargin' at me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AHH! AHH! AHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(Bill makes a run for it!)
Random highway area
(Cricket is escaping from the scary trucker.)
Cricket: Hi-ya! Ya-oh-ah-oh! (He tumbles and crawls up to a car and leans against it.) Hmm... Just gotta stay hidden. That maniac could be anywhere.
(His eyes turn toward the mirror of the car door; the scary trucker's hook hand rises up in it. Gulping, he notices him right on his tail.)
Scary Trucker: Honk, honk...
Cricket: He's got my scent!! AAAAAAAAGH!!!!
(He makes a run for it, and is followed.)
Cricket: STOP FOLLOWIN' ME!!!
Scary Trucker: Come here...
(Cricket tries opening several car doors.)
Cricket: Locked! All locked! (opens one at last) Aha!
(Cuts to inside the car; the driver is jamming to the "Fun" song on the radio, which ironically sets the mood for Cricket sneaking around and being attacked all round by the scary trucker. He gets out and runs for it again.)
Cricket: Gotta be faster than that to catch old Cricket Green! (bumps) Oof. Huh?
(And there he is AGAIN, breathing heavily and holding up his hook hand; he closes in on him.)
Empty highway area
(The deer closes in on Bill.)
Bill: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Charge.) Aaaaagh!! (dodges just in time) Ah-ah-oof! Geez, what's gotten into that thing? (notices) Huh?
(Shows the deer is struggling to push his way through the highway railing.)
Bill: Aww, poor guy.
(The deer's head is stuck; he struggles to get freed.)
Bill (OS): Hey, hey, hey. (shows him) It's okay, little guy. I get what you're goin' through. (pets him) Surrounded on all sides, no space to run around...it's enough to drive a guy crazy. Y'know, we're not that different -- we both wanna be somewhere else...but for now, we're right here. So, let's calm down, take a few breaths... (frees the deer) There we go. And try to appreciate where you 're at. Sometimes you might surprise yourself. (The deer licks his hand; he looks up.) Oh?
(Bill and the deer revel the beautiful sunset over Big City.)
Male singer: ♫ So if things are feelin' wrong ♫
♫ And your life is all askew ♫
♫ Just climb the tallest hill you find ♫
♫ And change your point of view ♫
♫ It's tru-u-u-u-ue ♫
(The song is the one Gramma requested over the radio, which is playing.)
Gramma: Now, that's music.
Male singer: ♫ Life depends upon your point of view ♫
(She doesn't see Cricket being carried by the hook hand of the scary trucker outside.)
Cricket: (overlapping) AHH! GRAMMA! GRAMMA! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Empty highway area
Bill: Ah...now, this is relaxing. I think I even hear a babblin' brook.
(Tilly is operating the fire hose.)
Tilly: Okay, Mr. Car! Bath time!
(The water washes off all the car's mud, making it nice and clean.)
Tilly (OS): (as the car) "Hooray! You've done it, Tilly! I'm finally clean enough to -- TAKE OVER THE HUMAN RACE!" (normal) Okay, have fun. Car washes for everyone!
(The drivers cheer as the hose sprinkles down on them.)
Random highway area
(The scary trucker has Cricket outnumbered.)
Cricket: You're gonna get me cause I wanted you to honk your horn?! HUH?! Well, FINE! Just make it quick!
Scary Trucker: (confused) Huh? What are ya talkin' about? I just wanted to tell you that my horn doesn't work.
(The squirting stops.)
Scary Trucker: (pointing to his truck) Yeah! That's why I was takin' you back to my truck, to show ya!
Cricket: (understanding) Ohhhhhhh...
Scary Trucker: Eh, sorry if I startled yeh. I'm not great with people. Probably because I spend most of my life in a tiny box! Ha-ha-ha! (blows a raspberry)
Cricket: Well, that makes sense. I guess. Anyway, thanks for not bein' a murderer.
Scary Trucker: (puts him down) No problem. I guess you can say...hooks can be deceiving!
(He bursts into laughter; Cricket also laughs, but not as sure.)
Cricket: Yup...okay...see you later... (walks away disturbed) Eugh.
(The trucker still laughs and tears the side of the truck with his hook hand.)
Front of the jam
Keys: (on megaphone) Attention! I have an important announcement!...I found a bag of gorp! If you'd like some, let me know! (off megaphone; sees Bill carrying the deer) Huh?
(Bill arrives, deer calmed down.)
Keys: Hey! (on megaphone) You tamed the beast!!
Bill: Shh! (leaves)
Keys: Oop. (on megaphone) Sorry...
Bill: Okay, little guy. Let's get you home. (loads the deer into the trunk) Cricket, Tilly, we're leavin'!
Keys: (on megaphone) Okay, everyone! Problem solved! Let's keep it movin'!
(The traffic finally moves.)
Big City city limit
(The Greens are in the country dropping off the deer.)
Bill: Well, it's been fun. (opens the trunk) But it's time for you to go back where you belong.
(The deer gets off the Kludge and gallops through the forest, posing before the sunset like the painting back home, and heads away.)
Bill: All right, gang. We're burnin' daylight, time to head home!
Cricket: You sure, Dad? Ya hardly got to spend any time in the country.
Bill: Nah, I'm good. I got what i was looking for.
Gramma: Me too -- (holds up a walkie talkie) My own, personal DJ. (into it) NOW PLAY IT AGAIN!
DJ: A-anything for you, mother!
(The Kludge starts heading back the other way to Big City.)
Male singer: ♫ Life depends upon your point of view ♫
Greens: Yay! (etc.)
(Unfortunately, there's ANOTHER traffic jam ahead.)
Greens: (bothered) Aww...