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Previous:
"Uncaged"
"Harvest Dinner" Next:
"Winner Winner"

Green's house, kitchen

(Episode title appears on an onion; Bill slices it.)

Bill: I'm not one to boast, but gosh darn it, you done good, Bill Green.

Flashback, backyard

(Bill works in the garden; first, he plants the seeds.)

Bill (VO): Growin' this year's harvest in the city was no easy task.

(He reads the book Leafy Leaves Home at night.)

Bill (VO): It took delicate care...

(He wipes his brow in the hot sun.)

Bill (VO): An incredible amount of hard work...

(Cricket mooches a head of lettuce.)

Bill (VO): There were pests...

Flashback Bill: Grr...!!! (splashes Cricket with a hose)

Flashback Cricket: AAAAAGH!!!

Bill (VO): But Bill, you even handled that.

Kitchen, present

Bill: (in tears) Good-golly, this may be my finest crop ever...!

(He is suddenly met by Cricket and Tilly peeking up from between.)

Cricket: Gee, Dad. I've never seen you cry from cuttin' onions before.

Bill: (wiping tears) I'm not cryin' from the onion! I'm cryin' 'cause I love 'em! (kisses the onion)

Cricket: Yeah, but how much do you love meeeeeee? (Makes a big-eyed baby face)

Bill: Mmm... (ruffles his hair) Enough.

(There is a knock at the door.)

Cricket, Tilly: Mom's here!

Front door

Cricket: We're comin'!

(The door bursts open; Nancy enters and shuts it in fright to the sound of clucking outside.)

Nancy: Phew! That ol' rooster's mean as ever!

Cricket, Tilly: (hug her) Mom!

Nancy: Ha-ha-ha! Hey there, chicken tenders!

Living room

(Gramma is knitting in her chair.)

Nancy: Hey... (nervous chuckle) Alice...heh...great to see you...?

(All Gramma does is growl and bark at her loudly like a police dog; Nancy shrieks and runs away.)

Gramma: Heh-heh.

Kitchen

Nancy: Guess who?

Bill: Nancy! Glad you could make it.

Nancy: (shaking him by the shoulder) Of course, I'd be crazy to miss out on your famous harvest dinner.

Bill: Hey, what do you think about givin' me a hand?

Nancy: Me, help you cook? Uh, we never worked well in the kitchen. You're very...

Bill: (suspicious) Yes...?

Nancy: ...Particular? (chuckle)

Bill: Nonsense! You're helpin' me out. (opens a cabinet) We can start by preppin' our spices. (suddenly shocked) Oh no!!

(Cut to inside the cabinet; the paprika jar is completely bone dry.)

Bill (OS): WE'RE OUT OF PAPRIKA!!!??!! (shows him.) MY STEW IS NOTHING WITHOUT PAPRIKA!!!!!!!!! Stay...calm, Bill... Paprika can be bought at a store.

Nancy: I could make that run for you, Bill.

Bill: No, no! I need your help with the veggies. Besides, I've already got the perfect person in mind.

Cricket: Onetwothreenotit!! Phew. Dodged a chore bullet.

Bill: I didn't mean you, Cricket.

Gramma (OS): Well you better not be talkin' about me!

(Cuts to Gramma peeking into the kitchen door.)

Gramma: I ain't your errand, boy. And you can't make me!

Bill (OS): Don't worry, Ma, I wasn't thinkin' of you either. (shows him) The perfect person for this job is...Tilly!

Cricket, Gramma: Tilly?!

Bill: Tilly.

Tilly: Tilly?...Sorry, I was in the middle of a staring contest with this spider. (contemptuously) It's tough, 'cause they got so many eyes...

Bill: Tilly? Can I trust you to bring back paprika from the store?

Tilly: You can count on me, Papa!

Cricket: (stunned) What?! You think I can't focus long enough to do the job right?!

Gramma: And do you think I'm too old that my memory's bad?! Huh?!

Bill: What?! No! Besides, five seconds ago neither one of you wanted to go!

Cricket: Well, we changed our minds!

Bill: All right...fine. I have an equally important job for the both of you.

Gramma: (smiles) Well, why didn't you say so?

Bill: I need you to watch...

Living room

Bill: ...This pie!

(He reveals a cooked pie sitting on the open windowsill.)

Cricket, Gramma: Huh/Wha?

Cricket: Pie?

Bill: It's very important, so do not take your eyes off of it. (to Tilly, hands her some cash) Here's some money, sweetie. I know you won't let me down.

Tilly: I will not rest until I have your paprika, Papa! (salutes and exits)

Bill: (to Cricket and Bill) Now remember you two: protect that pie. (walks into the kitchen)

Gramma: Why, I never! He thinks we're dull enough to just sit here and watch a pie!

Cricket: Yeah this is a bogus job! What's it gonna do, run away?

Gramma: (walks up to the pie) This stupid pie's too stupid for legs!

Cricket: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, STUPID PIE!

Gramma: WE CAN DO TILLY'S JOB JUST AS WELL AS SHE COULD!

Cricket: LET'S GO PROVE IT!

Street, somewhere

(Tilly is walking down the sidewalk.)

Tilly: Paprika for Papa...Paprika for Papa...Paprika for Papa...

(The sound of Cricket and Gramma's yelling catches her off-guard; they come right up to her, only to slow down and pant.)

Cricket: Hold on...gotta catch my breath...shouldn't 'a screamed...all the way here... (faints)

Tilly: (suddenly bewildered) Cricket? Gramma? But if you're here, then...who's watchin' the pie!!??!!

Gramma: No one. It's a pie.

Cricket: (smugly) But you know...the pie could really use someone like you, Tilly.

Gramma: Whaddya say we switch jobs? Doesn't watching a pie sound like fun?

Tilly: Why, yes it does. (holding hand up firmly) But Papa gave me a job, and I will not be thwarted. A-good day, sirs. (marches away)

Cricket: Tilly, wait! Dang, now we'll never prove to Dad that we're capable.

Gramma: NEVER GIVE UP, BOY! All we gotta do is beat Tilly to the store, then get home first!

Cricket: Good idea, Gramma! Follow me, I know the perfect shortcut.

Greens' House, exterior

Nancy: (from inside, ominously) All right, pal...

Kitchen

(Close-up of Nancy, knife in hand and interrogating someone.)

Nancy: I'll give ya one last chance to talk. (She is talking to a tomato.) Strong silent type, huh? I've dealt with your kind before. AHHHH... (chops it) CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA!!! (normal) Thanks for lettin' me help out, Bill. You can finally see my culinary skills in action. HA-CHA! (does another impressive chop)

Bill: (stirring a pot) Wow... (chuckles) You're really gettin' into the spirit of things. Those 'maters ready yet?

Nancy: Oh, yeah! (walks over with tomato chunks in a spoon held back) Tomatoes ready for launch! ("catapults" them into the soup) Pyoo!

'Bill: Oh-ho, whoa there! (chuckles) What a...fun way of doin' that. Okay...next up, we need the horseradish sauce.

Nancy: (enters with such) Sauce coming right up! (aims) Just...gotta...

(She squirts by patting the back of it, a bit of it gets on Bill's cheek.)

'Nancy: Oop! There we go. Whoops, missed a drop. (wipes it off with her finger; blows raspberry, tastes)

Bill: (forcing a smile) Ha-ha...I would've measured that out, first, but...it's fine! Soon, we'll need the vegetables.

Nancy: (enters with them) Got 'em right here!

Bill: No, not yet!! The broth -- (she dumps them in; slow-mo) HASN'T SIMMERED YET!

(They land right in the broth.)

Nancy: Ah, well, no big deal. (adds a spare carrot) It all cooks the same, am I right? (elbows him)

Bill: (nervous chuckle; forcing smile and thumbs-up) Yeah...you're right... (to himself) Be strong, Bill. Be strong for the stew.

Street, near a manhole

Cricket: C'mon, Gramma! (opens cover) If we move fast enough, we'll beat Tilly to the store! (enters)

Gramma: This is your shortcut?

Cricket: (sliding down the sewer ladder) Quickest way to move around the city!

Sewers

(Cricket and Gramma run through the sewer tunnels.)

Cricket: I've got the whole thing mapped out!

(Gramma is disgusted; Daisy peeks out from one of the tunnels.)

Random city areas

(They pop out another manhole...)

Cricket: Ta-daaaaa!

(They've ended up in Time's Circle.)

Cricket: Nope.

(Manhole closes. They open another...)

Cricket: Ta-daaaaa!

(They've ended up in the lion's pen at the Big City Zoo.)

Cricket: NOPE!

(Manhole closes before the lion attacks. They open yet another...)

Cricket: Ta-daaaaa...?

(They've ended up in a restroom somewhere.)

Cricket: Nope... Well, five more times oughta do it.

Gramma: That's it! I'm taking charge, come on, Cricket! (carries him out)

Restroom patron: (peeks out) Hewwo?

Greens' House, Kitchen

Nancy: (stirs the pot) ♫ Do-da-do... stirrin' the stew, stirrin' the stew-ew-ew... ♫

Bill: (enters) Whoawhoawhoa! You're stirrin' too fast! Ya gotta push and pull the broth!

Nancy: (mimicing him, under her breath) "Ya gotta push and pull the broth..."

Bill: Push...and pull... Here, lemmie show ya. (starts to reach)

Nancy: Bill! I know how to stir a pot of stew! See?! I told you, you get particular... about your cookin'...

(She looks down and notices Bill helping her stir; grumbling, she takes her spoon out and smacks him on the head with it.)

Nancy: Get 'chu! Go on!

(Away he goes.)

Street

Tilly: Paprika for Papa...Paprika for Papa, for Papa...Paprika for Papa...

Gramma: (she and Cricket watch from a building) There's our target.

Cricket: Nice work catchin' up to Tilly, Gramma. But she's still so far ahead of us -- how are we ever gonna beat her to the store?

Gramma: Huh? (sees a garbage truck below) I know just the way! C'mon, Cricket!

(She jumps off the building, holding his hand.)

Cricket: Whoaaaaa!!!

Gramma: Let's boogie!!!

(They are falling right for the street, and their imminent fates...)

Cricket: AAAAAAAAAGH!!! (opens one eye) Huh?

(Reveals Gramma is ziplining them down a telephone wire with her cane.)

Gramma: Wheeeeeeee-whoo!

Cricket: (laughs) Whoo!

(The garbage truck gets just underneath; she lets go, and they fall right into the trash.)

Cricket: (muffled, dirt in mouth) Whoo-hoo! Dirt!

(Soon Tilly is out of sight.)

Cricket: Ha-ha! That oughta do it!

(The driver is at the wheel whistling; he suddenly halts the truck with a gasp.)

Garbage man: I forgot to feed my cat!

(He immediately reverses.)

Cricket, Gramma: Whoaaaaaa!!!

(They reverse right past Tilly; now she's in the lead.)

Gramma: Ugh, that did it, alright.

Wholesome Foods, exterior

(Cricket and Gramma approach the store all dirty.)

Gramma: Well, we lost some time, but I think we made it to the grocery store before Tilly.

Cricket: (halts) Ack! Gramma, look!

(Tilly has beaten them; she goes inside.)

Cricket: Tilly's already here!

Gramma: Sweet beans, that girl's fast! We gotta move!!

Interior

(The doors slide open...)

Cricket, Gramma: HYAH!

(They shimmy down the isle in their battle poses.)

Gramma: All we got to do is get the...get the...? (pats her head) Ding-dang it, I can't remember!! Darn this antique brain! Cricket, what did Bill want?!

Cricket: (spies the following) Ooh, Gummy Turtles! (gasps) Watermelon Cookie 'Os?

Gramma: FOCUS UP, BOY! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT WE'RE DOIN'!? We're provin' Bill's point.

Cricket: (gasps) No!

Gramma: We have to hurry -- your sister's just probably already -- (gasps; Tilly is...) CHECKIN' OUT!!?? Think, boy!! What are we here to buy!!??

Cricket: (grumbles; scratching head) Focus, Cricket, focus...Tilly kept sayin' a word that sounded like...Papa...Papa...

(He gasps and spots a display of...)

Cricket: Papayas! It must be papayas! (grabs one) We did it, Gramma! Let's go through self-checkout, it'll be faster!

(They rush through just that.)

Cricket, Gramma: YAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Street, elsewhere

Cricket, Gramma: (laughing)

Cricket: At this rate, we'll beat Tilly to the house with time to spare! Whoa...hold on, Gramma!

(They screech to a halt and hide behind a car; Tilly is waiting at the crosswalk for her turn to cross.)

Cricket: There she is...

(They spy on her.)

Cricket: Look at her: so naive, so unsuspecting. (Back to her.) I can't wait to see the look on her face when we get to Dad first and give him the papaya and --

(As he is finishing, she takes out something from her bag; a zoom-in shows what they were really supposed to get -- paprika.)

Cricket (OS): Wait, that's...that's not a papaya. (shows them.) Is that what we were supposed to get!?

(They flop down; Cricket ducks his head into his overalls and screams.)

Cricket: What are we gonna do!!?? There's no time to go back to the store! I can't believe it, Dad was right!

Gramma: (grabs him by the cheeks) Never admit your mistakes! Bill doesn't have to know that we're failures; all we gotta do is switch our papaya for...Tilly's thing!

Cricket: Gramma, you're a genius!

(In a trash can, Gramma hobbles up behind Tilly; she briefly opens the lid.)

Gramma: Meow. (closes lid)

Tilly: (gasps; puts bag down) A lost kitty? (turns around) C'mere, kitty! (Cricket hobbles up in a trash can behind her.) Where are you, kitty? (Cricket makes the switch.) Do you need someone to love you? Huh, I coulda sworn...

(The sign changes to "Walk".)

Tilly: Oh! Thank you, little crosswalk ghost! (crosses the street)

(Cricket hobbles up to Gramma; they open their lids and giggle at the success of their plan which gradually becomes loud maniacal laughter, but Gramma falls and rolls away.)

Gramma: AAAAGH!!

Cricket: Gramma! I-I'm comin'! (hops after her)

Greens' House, kitchen

(Nancy adds some flour to a measuring cup.)

Nancy: (sarcastically) Okay! I measured the flour!

Bill: (enters) Oh, good. And I see you used a liquid measuring cup for a dry ingredient. Well, that's fine... (snatches the flour bag) I'll just do it myself.

Nancy: Come on, Bill...it's close enough! (pulls it back)

Bill: Close enough? There is a recipe. (pulls it back to him) Cookin' isn't about doing whatever you want! (pulls hard)

Nancy: Bill, let go! (pulls it) You don't have to control every little thing!

(They pull so hard at the edges.)

Bill: Well, someone has to!!

Nancy: Y'know, I thought comin' back would meet a fresh start, but I guess I was WRONG!

(The bag rips, spilling flour everywhere, and they fall; they cough as it clears.)

Bill: Now Nancy, I need you to understand that --

(He is cut off by his ex-wife bursting into uncontrollable laughter from the flour; he laughs too.)

Bill: Oh... I...guess we do have the same old problems, huh?

Nancy: Well, we're...still the same people after all.

Bill: And you know? That's okay. (Nancy listens.) Despite our differences, you'll always be part of this family.

(She smiles; the moment is suddenly ruined by the sound of the front door thrown open.)

Cricket (OS): (imitating a fanfare) DA-DA-DA-DAAAAA!

Front door

(A dirty Cricket and Gramma are at the door, paprika in hand.)

Cricket: We're back from the store!

(They smile confidently.)

Living room

(Bill and Nancy walk over bewildered.)

Bill: Cricket? Ma? What the heck is goin' on?!

Cricket: We got your thingy from the store.

Gramma: You thought we couldn't do it, but then we did it! HA!

(Cricket gives him the paprika. He examines it...)

Bill: ...This is empty.

(Their expressions are replaced with shock.)

Cricket: Empty?!

Gramma: But how...?!

(Tilly appears right behind them, holding the papaya.)

Tilly: (imitating a fanfare) DA-DA-DA-DAAAAA! (eats the papaya; mouth full) I knew they'd pull something like this! (walks over; throws the papaya away) So I hid the paprika in my pocket for safekeepin'.

(She opens her fist over Bill's hand, spilling all the loose paprika into it.)

Tilly: For you, Papa.

Cricket: Oh...it was red sand.

Gramma: Yup. 'Fraid sayin' that was my second guess.

Bill: Uh...well...thank you, Tilly. (to Cricket and Gramma, upset) But you two -- you should be ashamed of yourselves! What about the job I actually asked you to do?! WHO WAS WATCHIN' THE PIE!?!

Cricket: Oh, come on, Dad. We all know that wasn't a real job! The pie's coolin' on the windowsill right where we left it.

(Zoom to the windowsill; in all their absence, the pie has mysteriously disappeared! Cricket and Gramma gasp.)

Cricket: IT'S GONE!!??!!

Gramma: THAT WAS A REAL JOB!!!???!!!

Bill: Well, of course it was!! There are all sorts of critters that could get into that pie -- cats, the goat, or most likely that mean ol' rooster. That's why I gave you two the job!! You could've defended the pie, where Tilly probably would've shared it with the animals!!!

Tilly: (feeding some paprika to Phoenix) It's true! I would! (Phoenix sneezes the paprika in her face.)

Cricket: So, you uh... did trust us.

Bill: Well, yeah! Different people are suited for different jobs.

Nancy: Yup, everyone has their own way of goin' about things.

Cricket: Well, I sure do feel like a dog in a cone.

(He and Gramma regretfully walk away.)

Backyard

(The defeated Cricket and Gramma exit out the back.)

Cricket: (sighs) I wish there was a way to get back in Dad's good graces...

(They stop and gasp; up ahead is the stolen pie, coated in grey feathers and being dragged away by the mean grey rooster Cogburn.)

Gramma: Cricket, look!

Cricket: The rooster's got the pie!

(Close-up of Cogburn, revealing his glass right eye and the scar crossing over it. He caws at them viciously; Cricket and Gramma look at each other before Cricket goes full determinator mode..)

Cricket: C'mon, Gramma... (he and Gramma pose heroically) Let's do the job we were born to do!

Cricket, Gramma: YAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(They charge; a fight ensues offscreen.)

Dining room, that night

(The harvest dinner is well underway; Nancy tastes the stew.)

Nancy: Mmm-mmm! That was delicious! Congrats on another successful harvest dinner, Bill.

Bill: (patting his tummy) Ahh...I couldn't have done it without you, Nance. And I couldn't have done it without Tilly's paprika.

Tilly: (sips down her stew) You're welcome, Papa! But I'm ready for pie!

(The pie is presented.)

Bill: Whoo-boy! (chuckles) Ain't she a beaut? (plucking the feathers off) Just a...couple of chicken feathers here and there... (to Cricket and Gramma) Great job gettin' the pie back, you two.

(Cricket and Gramma are battered and covered in feathers from the fight.)

Cricket: Yup! (sighs) You were right, Dad!

Gramma: We're the best dang rooster wranglers you've ever seen!

(Cricket coughs out some feathers; the pie is served, and they chat happily.)

(At the same time:)

Tilly: Big, big ol' pie!
Gramma: Gimmie a piece of pie now!
Cricket: Ooh! Pass another slice of pie over here!
Bill: No, Cricket. One is enough.
Cricket: What do you mean, "No?!"
Nancy: I just want one slice of pie.

(As they enjoy the meal, Cogburn watches ominously out the window, scraping the glass pane with a backscratcher.)

ve — Episode Transcripts —
Season 1 1. Space Chicken/Steak Night • 2. Cricket Versus/Blue Tater • 3. Swimming Fool/Tilly's Goat • 4. Cricketsitter/Backflip Bill • 5. Gramma's License/Bear Trapped • 6. Photo Op/Remy Rescue • 7. Gridlocked/Mama Bird • 8. Welcome Home/Raccooned • 9. Fill Bill/Critterball Crisis • 10. Parade Day/DIY Guys • 11. Gargoyle Gals/Supermarket Scandal • 12. Barry Cuda/Suite Retreat • 13. Family Legacy/Paint Misbehavin' • 14. Rated Cricket/Homeshare Hoedown • 15. Cricket's Shoes/Feud Fight • 16. Breaking News/Cyberbullies • 17. Tilly Tour/Dinner Party • 18. Coffee Quest/Phoenix Rises • 19. Blood Moon • 20. Big Deal/Forbidden Feline • 21. Uncaged • 22. Harvest Dinner/Winner Winner • 23. Night Bill/Cheap Snake • 24. Hiya Henry/People Watching • 25. Valentine's Dance/Green Streets • 26. Hurty Tooth/Sleepover Sisters • 27. Trailer Trouble/Mansion Madness • 28. Park Pandemonium/Cricket's Biscuits • 29. Skunked/Axin' Saxon • 30. Cricket's Place/Volunteer Tilly
Season 2 31. Cricket's Kapowie/Car Trouble • 32. Urban Legend/Wishing Well • 33. Elevator Action/Bad Influencer• 34. Green Christmas • 35. Reckoning Ball/Clubbed • 36. Impopstar/Football Camp • 37. Heat Beaters/Bill-iever• 38. Shark Objects/Dream Weaver • 39. Level Up/Wild Side • 40. Garage Tales/Animal Farm • 41. Desserted/The Gifted • 42. Time Crisis/Gramma Driver • 43. Tilly Style/I, Farmbot • 44. Friend Con/Flimflammed • 45. Greens' Acres/Dolled Up • 46. Gabriella's Fella/Cheap Show • 47. Green Mirror/Cricket's Tickets • 48. Times Circle/Super Gramma! • 49. Present Tense/Hurt Bike • 50. Quiet Please/Chipwrecked
Country Kids in the City Hog RideTea PartyThe Last DonutDuck SandwichBee TreeSecret CatTilly's Cats
Random Rings, Season 1 Cricket Calls a Karate SchoolCricket Calls a Party StoreCricket Calls a SpaCricket and Tilly Call a Piano TeacherCricket Calls a Grocery StoreTilly Calls a LibraryCricket Calls a Pawn ShopTilly Calls a HotelCricket Calls an AquariumCricket Calls a Pet StoreTilly and Cricket Call Raven Symoné!
Random Rings, Season 2 Telemarketer Calls the GreensGramma Calls an Electronics StoreDr. Doofenshmirtz Calls GrammaCricket and Tilly Call Dr. DoofenshmirtzTilly Calls the FutureCricket and Tilly Call Area 51Tilly Calls a Magician
Miss Tilly's Fun Time TV Minute Meg DonnellyTrevor TordjmanAriel MartinSiena AgudongShelby SimmonsThe Houghton BrothersIsrael JohnsonIzabela RoseMax the Goat
Misc. Big City Greens: Road Trip
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