|"Homeshare Hoedown"|| Next:|
Big Coffee, interior
(Episode title appears on the "OPEN" sign; Cricket changes it to "CLOSED".)
Cricket: Ah, quittin' time! (throws off his hat and apron) Another day, another free scone (takes a scone and eats it)
Gloria: Hey! For the last time, those aren't free.
Cricket: Bleaaaahhhhh... (takes the scone out of his mouth and puts it back) Well, at least dinner at home is free. So, Gloria, what you doing after work?
Gloria: I've got some guests coming over to stay at my apartment through Share BnB.
Cricket: Sharing bees? Why would you do that? I hate bees!
Gloria: What? Of course you wouldn't know what that is. (using her phone) Share BnB is a service where you rent out your home to guests, and in exchange they pay you money.
Cricket: (hears the last bit) Wait a second...I like to have money! And I live in a house! (hyperventilates)
Gloria: Now that you mention it, your house would be perfect for Share BnB.
Cricket: (gasps, smiling very wide)
Greens' house, dining room
(Cricket has summoned his family for a meeting.)
Cricket: ...And all we have to do is give 'em a bed and make 'em breakfast, and then the money just rolls in!! It's so easy, we gotta do it!!
Bill: Uh, hold on! Just a minute, Cricket. Money never just rolls in.. (holds up a bread roll on "roll") 'Ey? Bread roll? You get it?
(They are not amused.)
Cricket: Come on, Dad! gloria set it all up for me! It's easy money!
Bill: (a bit pensive) Well, I do appreciate your initiative. But my point is, money never just...comes in easy. You have to work hard for it.
Cricket: (sputtering loudly) This is...different, Dad! The house does all the work for you, just by bein' a house!
Bill: (very stern) All right... but only if you promise to see this commitment through, no matter what!
Cricket: (nonchalantly) Yeah, yeah, I got it! (sips his juice box)
Gramma: I don't know, seems complicated.
Cricket: Don't worry, Gramma! It'll be a piece of cake! (holds up a slice of cake on "piece of cake")
(Everyone but Bill finds it funny.)
Bill: OH COME ON!
Cricket and Tilly's bedroom, the following day
(Cricket is in his hammock looking at a toy catalogue.)
Cricket: Ooh! I could get one of those, and one of those, and six of those... (gasps at one particular toy) Mr. Clang Clang!
(There is a knock at the door.)
Cricket: They're here! THE CASH COWS!
(He jumps out of his hammock as Phoenix wakes up and barks, before going back to sleep.)
Bill: (opens door) Well, hello there.
Cricket: Hi! Welcome to the Green residence! (A photo is taken; he is flashbulbed.) ACK!
(The guests are a seafoam male with deep teal hair and a yellow goatee and glasses, and a light blue female with darker blue hair and a flower in it. She was the one who took the photos.)
Male tourist: Hi, I'm Justin!
Female tourist: And I'm Val!
Male tourist (Justin): And I'm Justin!
Female tourist (Val): And I'm Val! Wow, just...wow! You guys have got the most authentic house!
Justin: (feeling the porch boards) Wow! Just look at this porch! It's so distressed and authentic. Listen to that creaking!
'Val: Ah! Well, we saw your house on Share BnB. (Justin sniffs the porch fence.) We just had to see it in real life, and...boy, does it deliver!
Cricket: Just to be clear, you will be paying us to stay here?
Val: Oh, yes.
Bill: Mmm...!! (elbows Cricket)
Cricket: Oof! Ah, I mean -- come on inside! I'll get you situated.
Val: I can't wait! (gasps) It's so charming! (She and Justin enter.)
Cricket: It sure is! I think you'll really enjoy your stay! (to Bill) And you thought this would be hard. (walks in)
(Cricket gives Val and Justin the grand tour of the Green house.)
Cricket: There's the living room...
Justin: Lllllove it!
Cricket: Hallway, floor, ceiling, wall... (blows raspberry)
Justin: So authentic!
(He looks in Gramma's room; she is in her armchair polishing her sword.)
Gramma: (ominously) Just make sure you stay outta my way...
Justin: Wow! A real country gramma? What a trip!
Cricket: And here we are, ah -- (Only Val arrives behind him.) Hey, where'd the other one go? (whistles) Here, boy! (snaps fingers; Justin joins) And here we are: The Bill Green Suite!
Val, Justin: Ooooh!/Ahhhh!
(They enter; Bill carries their suitcases.)
Bill: My room? Really? (puts the suitcases down) Guess it does make the most sense...a little warning would've been nice...
(He approaches a pair of pants hanging from a deer head.)
Bill: Excuse me, I just need to grab this. (pulls pants off, revealing polka-dotted boxers underneath) Ha-ha! Whoopsies! (pulls THEM off as well) Ha-ha! Make yourselves at home...! (reverses while waving with resignition)
Cricket: All right, Dad, let's get out of their room. (pushes him out) They need to catch up on their sleep!
Val: But it's the middle of the day!
Cricket: G'NIGHT! (closes door)
(Cricket walks to the couch with a big bowl of popcorn.)
Cricket: Well, thaaaat's that. (sits) Time to sit back, relax, and let the money roll in.
(He switches the TV on and begins gobbling down; on the TV, two cowboys duel using their hands as guns. All of a sudden, the tourists' heads slide in from either side.)
Val: Soooooo... what's the plan for today?
Justin: The itinerary?
Val: The schedule?
Cricket: Well, I was gonna watch TV. Kinda thought you'd stay in your room until breakfast.
(To which they give a humorous laughter; as they speak, Cricket starts to grow miffed.)
Justin: We'd like to do a bunch of fun farmy things.
Val: Like collect eggs!
Justin: Milk a cow!
Val: Wash a pig!
Cricket: What? Those are all just chores!
Bill: (at the kitchen door drying a dish) Sounds good to me! (to Cricket) You ARE gonna work hard to please your guests, right?
Cricket: (fed up) Yes, Daaaaaaaa-duh! (to the tourists) Fine... let's go do chores...
Val, Justin: Yaaaaaaay!
(Montage: Cricket shows the tourists to the chicken coop, where they point to one of them. Cricket annoyingly lifts up said chicken, revealing an egg underneath.)
Val, Justin: Oooooh!
(They start taking photos with their phones, which scares the chickens inside, making them attack Cricket.)
Cricket: AAGH!! OH, AGH! AHH! AHHHHH!!!
(He is pulled into a smoke ball. Later, he stands before Miss Brenda with a bucket under her udder, and milks. He stops to let the tourists try, but they pull so hard this frightens Miss Brenda, causing her to moo loudly and kick Cricket behind her.)
Cricket: AAAGH! Oof! AAAAHHHH!!!
(He slams into the fence, causing it to fall down with him; the two customers on the other side notice.)
(Cricket gives Herbert a bath; Justin suddenly smacks him in the rear, making him squeal loudly and take off with Cricket still on his back.)
(He falls headfirst into the mud puddle before him, and sits up all muddy as the tourists continue riding their animals around him. He rolls his eyes and groans wearingly.)
Cricket: (tired out) Well, we did every chore...twice. There's nothing left to do.
Val: There must be something more we can do!
Justin: Come on, small boy. Can't you think of just one more thing?
Cricket: Ugh...!!! (gasps; something hits him) Y'know... we could go on a good old-fashioned possum hunt possum hunt!
Val, Justin: POSSUM HUNT!?
Cricket: (points at the hole under the porch) Look! There goes a real and not-at-all fake possum now!
(Val and Justin repeatedly gasp in succession; they start crawling under the porch.)
Cricket: Yeah! Hurry up now! Go, go, go! It's gettin' away!
(Once they have disappeared, Cricket boards up the hole and nails it shut.)
Val: (from underneath) Here, possum, possum!
Justin: I'm gonna get'cha!
Cricket: (snickers to himself; marches away) Yeah...got 'em.
Bill: (carrying some laundry) Hey, Cricket. How's hostin' goin'?
Cricket: Great! We're all takin' a break!
Bill: You said you'd do this thing, and by golly, you're doin' it. I'm real proud of you, son.
Cricket: I'm proud of me too, Dad.
Cricket and Tilly's bedroom
Cricket: (stretching, not noticing) Phew! Time to take a well-deserved nap.
(He gets in his hammock, yawns and closes his eyes; but they suddenly snap wide open after noticing something odd: Phoenix is wearing a fedora, a phone with a photo of Val and Justin playing with Cricket and the chickens is on the floor, and an open suitcase stands near Tilly.)
Tilly: Cricket! We've got new roommates!
(Zoom out to reveal Val and Justin in the hammock.)
Justin: Little boy, you sure know how to entertain!
Cricket: AGH! (gets off) How'd you guys escape!?...I mean...
(They get out of the hammock.)
Val: We never saw the possum, but the chase was exhilarating!
Justin: Also, we switched rooms! (looks at the animal skull) This one is just so much more authentic than the other one!
Cricket: (very annoyed) What does that even mean?!?
Val: (takes his picture) I loooooove this room! (walks up to Tilly's bed ladder) What's this ladder made of? (knocks on it) Is that wood? (knocks again) Is that real wood? (another knock; Cricket is infuriated) What is that made of?
Cricket: IT'S WOOD! (goes to the door) Listen, I'm sorry to say, but I have had ENOUGH OF --
Bill: (enters with a plate of cookies) Snack time!!! (to Cricket) Sorry to interrupt, but...I'm just so dang proud of ya! You're lettin' them stay in your room? That's mighty generous of ya, Cricket!
Cricket: (slightly demented) Yes, it is...isn't it?
Bill: (puts the cookies down) C'mon, kids. You can bunk with me, it'll be fun!
(He drags Cricket out by the overalls; Tilly starts to exit but stops.)
Tilly: (takes a cookie) Grabbin' a nighttime cookie. (leaves)
Bill's bedroom, later that night
(Bill and Tilly are snoring loudly; he even drools. Cricket just sits wide awake on the edge of the bed in his underwear and holding part of the sheet, tossing and turning.)
Cricket: How does Dad sleep on this? The gentle curve of a hammock is so much better for the lower back!
Justin (OS): You're more authentic!
Val (OS): No, you're more authentic!
(Cricket covers his ears with his and Tilly's pillows.)
Justin (OS): No, you are!
Val (OS): No, you are!
Justin (OS): You are!
(The door opens; Val is here.)
Val: I just wanted to let you know, we love it here so much, we're extending our stay to a whole week!
(Cricket is dumbfounded.)
Cricket: (forcing a smile; eye twitching) Oh...wow...
Val: Yaaaaay...! (closes the door)
(Cricket flops back in defeat; he groans and pushes Tilly's bare foot away from his arm, but then it kicks him off.)
(The rooster crows; Tilly sits up and yawns.)
Tilly: I haven't slept that well in ages!
(She hops down, only to land on Cricket's tummy, who is right there when she kicked him.)
Cricket: AGH! Tilly...!!
Tilly: (gets off) Sorry, Cricket. Didn't see ya there. Are you okay?
Cricket: Ugh...I slept like garbage! Oh, Tilly, I don't know what to do! I barely made it through one day with these folks, but if I kick 'em out, it just proves Dad right!
Tilly: And it'd be great if they decided to leave on their own.
(That sentence hits Cricket with an idea; he stands.)
Cricket: Tilly, that's it! We'll make them want to leave! Then the money will be easy and Dad'll have to eat his words!
Tilly: Yeah, that might be tough. Seein' as how they love our country nursin', we can't help but be country.
Cricket: Or can we...? Tilly, let's get city-fied!
Big Coffee, exterior
(Cricket and Tilly exit the cafe with city clothes given to them by Gloria.)
Cricket: Thanks for the city tips, Gloria!
Gloria: I am so proud of you two for wanting to become cultured urban sophisticates.
Cricket: What's that, now? No, no, no, we wanted to learn to be annoying city people. That's why i thought of...you!
Gloria: (miffed) GET OUTTA HERE!
Cricket: (as he and Tilly leave) Let's do brunch! You taught me that!
Greens' house, living room
(Val and Justin are stitching a quilt.)
Justin: Val, you're doing it wrong!
Val: No way! I've watched way more tutorial videos than you!
(The door is kicked open; Cricket and Tilly step in, him wearing a feathered fedora and orange neckerchief, and has a watch over one wrist and holding a book under one arm, her wearing a belted dress, red platform shoes and blue rounded sunglasses, and has half her head shaved and a bag slung over her shoulder. Both speak like complete idiotic hipsters.)
Cricket, Tilly: 'Sup?
Cricket: (as they walk past) All right, amigos, let's get this thing started.
Val: (confused) Did...they just become...hip?
Justin: He looks just like Kyle.
Val: Co-op Kyle or DJ Kyle?
(Cricket sets up a chair while Tilly places a cushion on the floor and sits on it.)
Cricket: All right, if you could just keep it down, we're about to start our book club discussion. Surely you've read (Shows his book:) Mr. Pickle Leaves the Jar? The symbolism was very symbolic.
Val: (a bit miffed) Yeah...nonono, yeahyeahyeahyeah, nononononono, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahyeah. But like, if we wanted a book club, we coulda just hung out with DJ Kyle and Co-op Kyle
(Pause; Tilly puts down a yoga mat.)
Tilly: Well, how about some yoga?
Cricket: (on his own mat, wiggling arms) It makes ya like, real bendy.
Tilly: (stands, has her arms over her head) Deep breath, and... (inhales; squats) Shrub pose. (squats repeatedly) AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE AND FOUR!!
Cricket: (flops on his back; twirls arms and legs around) Baby turtle...baby turtle...
Tilly: (kneeling) And now, pigeon pose. (flops down and smacks the floor with her arms)
(The tourists are not amused.)
Justin: Uh...yoga doesn't seem very... country? (puts the quilt aside)
Cricket: Well, this isn't the country -- it's the big city, sistahs! Now it's time for the city's newest dance craze: FUNKIN'.
Tilly: (does a handstand) SPIN ME, BROTHER!
Cricket: YYYYAH!! (spins her on her head)
(As the word "Funkin'" is heard in the background, her foot hits the TV, breaking it; Bill comes to the doorway.)
Bill: Hey! Sounds like fun in -- huh?
(He stops to notice Cricket and Tilly frightening the tourists with a spinaround as they laugh and shout loudly.)
Justin: The authenticity...
Val, Justin: It's gone!
Justin: How fast do you think we can pack our bags?
Cricket: (false sadness) Aww! you're leavin'? So soon?
Bill: (very upset) Mmm...
Cricket: Well, it's been great havin' ya! Don't let the door hit ya on the way out!
(Zoom out to reveal a very upset Bill right behind him.)
Bill: Can I speak to you in the kitchen, son?
Cricket: (chuckles nervously)
Bill: What the heck is goin' on with you?! Shoot straight with me, boy. Are you intentionally tryin' to drive your guests away?
Cricket: Mmmmmm... (removing disguise; lets it out) FINE! YOU GOT ME! I thought this would be easy, but I had to work so hard for these guests, and their tireless enthusiasm!
Bill: Well, yeah! It's work! And work is hard! (sighs) I just wanted to see you follow through on one thing.
(Cricket thinks for a bit. Then...)
Cricket: Okay, Dad. For you, I'll do it! I'll work hard to fix this, but then I'm never workin' hard again!
Bill: Uh...well, no, I mean --
Cricket: If they love country, we'll give 'em the most country night of their lives!
Bill: Heh...well, that's the spirit!
Cricket and Tilly's bedroom
(Val and Justin are packing their suitcase in a panic.)
Val: Hurry up!
Justin: Let's get outta here!
Cricket: (opens door) Val! Justin! Don't leave yet! You'll miss the hoedown!
Val, Justin: (delighted) HOEDOWN!?!
(They exit out the back door; the backyard is all decorated with various country decor and the family is dressed as idiotic farmers.)
Cricket: Howdy, y'all! Might I interest y'all in some of our washtub punch?
(He fills up two jars with dirty water from the washtub and gives it to the tourists, who are somehow not at all enthused.)
Cricket: Yer just in time! Start 'er up, Tilly!
(Tilly starts playing a lively tune on her banjo, as handclaps start to fade up. Bill joins in blowing a jug, then Gramma playing a washboard.)
Gramma: I don't know how I let y'all talk me into this.
(Cricket dances with Marjorie.)
Cricket: Just look at me doin' this country dance!
Are ya impressed yet, boys and girls?
Let's give this sheep a big ol twirl!
Gotta have our own little rodeo!
(But the tourists are not having fun one bit.)
Justin: They're trying too hard, riiiight?
Val: It is so not authentic anymore. It's fake, and stereotypical.
Justin: Yeah, and kind of offensive.
(They empty their jars of washtub punch in annoyance.)
(The tourists make their hasty departure.)
Cricket: Huh. Maybe we went too far.
Bill: I guess nobody back home really acts like that.
Gramma: Those hipsters paid you, right?
Cricket: Uh...I think so. We set it up on Gloria's phone, so it's like, somewhere in the... (realizing) Internet...?
(Gloria answers a Share BnB alert from her phone, revealing the $100 that ended up going to her instead of the Greens as a result of the setup.)