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"Level Up" | Next: "Wild Side" |
The following is a transcript for the episode, "Level Up".
Greens' house[]
Exterior[]
(Episode Title Card appears on a bag of seeds. The chicken walks in front of it; Bill's foot moves it away.)
Bill: Heh heh. Scoot your boot.
(Chicken floats away. Bill places another bag of seeds down.)
Bill: There. All ready for plantin'.
(Pan out to reveal Tilly is there with him.)
Bill: Tilly, do you think I bought too many seeds for our little farm?
Tilly: Well, we don't have a lot of space. But in anticipation of this dilemma, I've been engineerin' some alternative planting locations.
(Tilly's "alternative planting locations" are Dirtbag and Melissa; Dirtbag meows, licks himself, and shakes off the seeds.)
Bill: Huh... Even if we had more plantin' beds, I feel like the current Green family farm is... well...
Tilly: Penned inwardly by the steel monoliths of our industrialized urban landscape? (we zoom from them to reveal the tall buildings surrounding them) Unable to grow or expand within a wrought iron cage which predetermines exactly how far we are allowed to advance???
Bill: Tilly, language. (spots Cricket and Remy about to enter the house) Oh, hey boys!
Cricket: Oh, hello father!
Bill: Wanna plant crops with me and your sister?
Cricket: Sorry, we gotta... (points to door) ...Use the toilet!
(He and Remy dash inside the house.)
Bill: Huh. Sounds untrue. (walks inside) I'll be right back, sweetie.
Tilly: Ok. I'll just be out here. Tilly bein' Tilly.
Cowboy Spitterz[]
(Screen shows a game rendered in 3D. Two players are shown next to barrels. Both players, rendered as cowboys, spit at each other. The right player launches a big spitwad at the left one, causing his hat to fly off and a pop-up saying "GROSS" to appear.)
Living room[]
(Reveal it's a game being played by Cricket and Remy on a Bintendo Twist-.)
Remy: Yeah! You got spit!
Cricket: Heh heh. Calm down, man.
(Bill walks in.)
Bill: Son, what is this?
(Cowboy Spitterz: A spotlight shines on the red cowboy; the yellow cowboy facepalms, having lost.)
Announcer: Player 2 wins!
Cowboy in game: Now don't you go spittin' on your friends now, you hear?
(Cut back to the living room.)
Cricket: Video games, Dad!
Remy: We're post-millennial screensters, Mr. Green!
Cricket: Remy just got the new Bintendo Twist plus!
Remy: So, I gave Cricket my old one!
Cricket: ...The Bintendo Twist minus!
Bill: While this is generous of you, Remy, (picks up Cricket's Twist-) I'm not sure I want a... digital game system in my house.
Cricket: You gotta give it a chance, Dad! (picks up Twist)
(The Twist's screen shows an eShop-like screen listing games on sale. Available games: Ogre Avalanche, Arcade Gut Punch, and Laser Heck, all for $3.99.)
Cricket (OS): You know what they say. There's a game... (scrolls down, revealing a game titled Simulated Farm on sale, for free) For... (He taps the "FREE", purchasing and downloading the game to his Twist-'s internal memory) Everyone!
Bill: Now what is -- (Music starts on the TV, Bill gasps)
(The TV shows Simulated Farm's title screen. As Bill praises the following, the game's screen changes to show it.)
Bill (OS): That's a nice field. That's a nice farm. That's some nice corn!
(Title: SIMULATED FARM: Ultra Dull Edition)
Bill (OS): Oh, wow wow wow wow WOW! (on screen; sits down next to Cricket) Cricket, did you see that tractor?
Cricket: Yes, yes, very cool. (Shows Twist- with avatar selection screen; Off screen) Now, pick your avatar!
Bill (OS): (looking at an avatar that looks like him) This guy looks friendly. (selects avatar) Heh. Neat! (After a loading screen, we see Bill - his avatar, anyway - next to a cow and holding a milker) What do I do now?
Cricket (OS): Uh... Anything you want!
Bill (OS): Can I... set up this milker on that cow?
(Bill walks his avatar to the cow and milks it. Achievement unlocked: Heck of a Milker!)
Bill: (panicking, covers Cricket's eyes) What was that??
Cricket: It's an achievement for doing something!
Remy: Achiev-o!
Bill: "Achiev-o," huh? That felt... good.
Cricket: (to Remy) Wanna go back to your house and play your Twist+?
(Both boys show a thumbs up.)
Cricket: (Exiting with Remy) Later, Dad!
Bill: (completely immersed in his crop farming fantasies) Later, Dad.
Exterior[]
(Show exterior of the house as Bill gets another achievement.)
Bill (OS): Oh...
(Night time: Cricket returns home from Remington Manor and enters the house.)
Hallway/living room[]
(Bill is still immersed in his crop farming fantasies.)
Cricket: (yawn) Good night, Dad.
Bill: ...Yeah.
(Simulated Farm: Bill's tractor harvests some fields. Achievement unlocked: No Pain, No Grain!)
(Pan down to the DVR, which shows 8:26 pm. Cross-fade to 7:00 am. Bill is still immersed, his eyes now bloodshot. Cricket comes in, wearing his pajamas.)
Cricket: (yawn) Mornin', Dad!
Bill: ...Yeah.
(Cricket notices this; he goes up to the sofa.)
Cricket: Dad, have you... slept yet?
Bill: Yeah, I'm sleepin' right now! Look!
(Simulated Farm: Bill's avatar is sleeping. Return to Cricket and Bill.)
Cricket: ...Follow-up question.
Bill: ...Sure.
Cricket: Did the real Bill sleep?
Bill: Who?
Cricket: Hey, listen. I'm gonna go put on some pants and then probably organize some kind of intervention for you with the rest of the family, okay?
(He leaves)
Bill: ...Yeah.
Dining room[]
(The Knights of the Round Table - Cricket, Tilly, Saxon and Gramma - are gathered for a meeting.)
Cricket: So, you're probably all wondering why I gathered you here.
Gramma: I know why! Bill didn't water any of the crops yesterday. (Showing the crops outside) They're gonna turn GREY!! Believe it or not, that measly garden is THIS household's money-maker! We gotta get him off that game before we're all broke!!!
Cricket: I aGREE!!! (slams hand on table, launching a plate into the air a bit) Also, it'll give me a turn to play.
Living room[]
(Shot of Bill's face, complete with bloodshot eyes. A carrot is lowered from screen top.)
Cricket: Dad... I got an uncooked, unwashed carrot... just how you like! (Throws it off-screen) Go get it!
(Carrot lands outside, shattering a window and landing on a carrot field. Back inside...)
Tilly: Papa, what is it that's keeping you pre-occupied?
Bill: Well, sweetie, I'm just trying to collect all the achievements.
Simulated Farm[]
(Bill's avatar shuts a barn door repeatedly.)
Bill (OS): I recently earned the "Shut the Barn Door" badge for shutting the barn door 30 times.
(Bill's avatar is next to a cornfield, shucking corn stocks as he goes.)
Bill (OS): And the "Aw, Shucks" badge for shucking a thousand corn stalks.
(Bill's avatar is now next to a lot of chickens.)
Bill (OS): I'm also going for the Certificate of Eggcellence, heh heh. (Zoom out to reveal a LOT of chickens.) But that one might take a while.
(Bill's avatar is next to a drawer filled with bottles of jam. His avatar takes a sip of jam.)
Bill (OS): So, in the meantime, let's taste-test my newly-canned jam and see what he thinks. (Bill's avatar likes it.) Huh, he loves it!
(Achievement unlocked: Jam-Tastic)
Bill (OS): That's another achievement! (with his face superimposed onto the gameplay; in the background, the farm expands) And there's so much more to unlock. I just gotta keep levelling up by building my farm and advancing across the land! (Night falls; Bill's character is on the roof) Until one day. It's an endless paradise. (His character glitches out into the roof) Agh, dang it! Got stuck on the roof again.
Living room[]
Gramma: All right Bill, if you don't drop that thing RIGHT NOW, I'm gonna pry it from you and chuck it straight down the garbage disposal!!!
(Cricket and Tilly simultaneously voice sounds of disapproval:)
Cricket: What? No! Let's not be hasty!
Tilly: (gasp) Oh my goodness.
Bill: No, your gramma's right. Sometimes in life, we gotta make tough choices. But we make them for the ones we love. That's a value that guides this family. And if my choice comes down to real life versus some video game, well--
(Bill bolts down the hallway, into his room, and shuts the door. So much for speeches.)
Bill's room[]
(Bill covers his door with a shelf, and closes the curtains. He then turns on the Twist-, and is engulfed by its bright screen. Outside Cricket tries to open the door.)
Cricket: Um, in this house we DON'T LOCK DOORS!
Tilly: Oh, he ain't comin' out.
Gramma: (leaves) I'll go get my chainsaw.
Cricket: Wait! My little brain was just hit by a lightning bolt of an idea that's so crazy it just might work.
Hallway[]
(Remy returns to the house.)
Remy: Remy's back! (holds up a big Twist) I brought my Bintendo Twist+, like you asked!
Gramma: Unnatural. So what's all that junk?
Remy: Well, it's four headsets, and some controller extensions...
Cricket: It's video game stuff! We're gonna save Dad by confronting him in the gamespace!
Tilly: Remy'll walk us through it!
(Gramma puts on a gaming headset... the wrong way. It's covering her eyes, and the microphone is pointed up like an antenna.)
Gramma: Nah, I got it.
Simulated Farm[]
(Another day in the world of Simulated Farm. A rooster flies up to the roof of the barn and calls. Bill (whose avatar from here onward will be referred to as Bill) scrapes up leaves.)
Bill: Phew. What a beautiful mornin'. (Achievement unlocked: Beautiful Mornin') ...Oh! (Sounds of vehicles in the distance) Huh. What in the world...?
(Two tractors race to the farm; one blue and one purple. The avatars that man them look oddly familiar...)
Cricket: (on his blue tractor) Dad, it's us. The Greens are comin' at YOU in 3D!
(Pan to Tilly's purple tractor.)
Tilly: Papa, we've come to pry you loose from this polygon prison!
Remy: (Sitting on Tilly's tractor) Hi Mr. Green!
(Wide shot of both tractors racing to the farm.)
Bill: No! This is the dad zone! How'd you get in here?
Gramma (OS): Because we're masters of technology!
Bill: Ma??
(Gramma is spinning around...)
Gramma: Brace yourself, because here I come!!! (...on an orange tractor.) Any second now...
Living room[]
Cricket: You okay Gramma?
Gramma: Shut up!!
Tilly: Well, I don't know what I'm doin' with the game. I just push buttons until something happens.
Gramma: Who's talkin'???
Simulated Farm[]
Bill: None of you are driving on the paths!! You're gonna ruin the grass!!!
(The tractors drive up to Bill.)
Cricket: I don't care, 'cause the grass isn't real! This is all make-'em-ups! Dad, you have to come back to real life! The real farm needs you!
Bill: Nah... see, I was wrong before when I told you not to live in a fantasy world. This is better than real life. You were right, Cricket!
Cricket: Wow. Hearing you say that is one of the most satisfying things I've ever heard in my life. But you GOTTA quit this game and come out of your room! Right, Tilly?
(Tilly meanwhile walks to a Marjorie-esque lamb.)
Tilly: Uh yeah, well, whatever Cricket said. Sorry. I just gotta figure out how to pet this baby lamb.
(Back to Cricket.)
Cricket: Fair enough. Alright, Dad, if you don't log off and come back to real life, we'll be forced to destroy your fake farm with these here fake tractors!
Remy: Yeah! GET READY TO GET... TRRRRRRRRRRRRASHHHHHHHHED!!!!!!!!!!
Cricket: Whoa-oa, okay, let's give him a chance to log off.
Remy: Sorry. You know I love to go sick online.
Cricket: So, Dad, what'll it be?
Bill: Sorry, Cricket, but I'm staying right here. (Spawns in a red combine) And if you and the others want to get in the way of my perfect farm, well... I'll have no choice... but to defend my agricultural assets.
Cricket: So be it.
(Gramma launches in, head-first, with the tractor!)
Gramma: GAAAAAAAH! HERE COMES GRAMMA!!!!!!!!!!
(With a honk, the tractor crashes into a silo, spilling out corn.)
Bill: Hey!!! THAT'S MY CORN SILO!!!
(Tractors revving.)
Remy: That's first blood, Mr. Green! GAME ON!!!!!!!!
(Remy launches his tractor...)
Bill: Whoa!... Uh... Hey!!!
(...into a building, which soon spills of jam.)
Bill (OS): My jam shack!!! (gets on combine while glitching out) Oh-oh-oh! You've REALLY done it now!!!!!
(Bill's combine zips off. Meanwhile, with Tilly...)
Tilly: Okay, little lamb, get ready for pettin'. (She tries to "pet" it, but its larger hitbox disallows her from doing so) ...Hmm. (in living room) Hey, Remy, which button do I press to pet a baby lamb?
Remy: (real life) Um... (in-game, is demolishing things at high speed) I don't think you can pet the animals in this game.
Tilly: (real life) Oh, I'm sure there's a way. (starts spamming buttons) Time to button mash.
(In-game, Tilly's character moves crazily. Here comes Remy's tractor, jumping over Tilly.)
Remy: Ex-cuuuuuse me Tilly. (He continues to demolish things: three barrels, a tree, a barn house, and another tree; jumps over Gramma, who's still spinning amongst the wreckage of her tractor) Hey Mrs. Green. How's it going?
Gramma: Don't patronize me. This world is broken!
(Remy zooms up to Cricket and does a 360-degree spin before zooming off again.)
Cricket: Holy COW, Remy! You're a wrecking ball! As for me... I'm gonna take out that windmill! Yeah... That's a juicy-looking peach.
(Cricket zooms up to it, only to be stopped by...)
Bill: (who has collided with Cricket) Nooooooooooooo!!! Cricket, back down now!!! I have you out-horsepowered!
(Remy continues to zip.)
Remy: YEAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!
(He collides with a barn.)
Remy: Heh hah! I finally broke the tractor!
Bill: Hah! Do you know what you've done?? You've breached my chicken barn! Hah hah, you fool! You absolute non-farmer!!!
Remy: Mr. Green, how many chickens do you actually ... (chickens spill out of the barn, carrying him away) ...HAVE???????
(Remy, Cricket and Bill are all carried away by the MILLIONS of chickens in there. Soon after, the entire farm is covered in them. Back to Tilly, whose character is still moving crazily; real-life Tilly is also mashing buttons, in attempt to pet the sheep.)
Tilly: I want... to... touch... that... CRITTER!!!!!
Game announcer (OS): Secret mode unlocked!
Tilly: Button match.
(Secret Mode Unlocked: Wizard of Wind!)
Game announcer: You are the Wizard of Wind!
Tilly: Uh... (laughs) Okay. This is very pleasant. (Soon after, all the chickens go towards her) Oh. Yes, little chickens. You're welcome as well. (floats up) All are welcome...
(The farm is overflowing with chickens.)
Bill: Nice try, son! But you'll never destroy my farm. (starts swimming in chickens) It's too strong! Too great! (holds up chickens) Too many CHICKENS!
Cricket: (chicken in his hand clucks) Dang it, he's right! There's gotta be a way... uh... (A large shadow i.e. Tilly looms over him) Uh... What is that??
(A giant tornado forms over the farm. Guess who it is?)
Tilly: Tilly... Tor... NADO!!!!!!!!!
(Tilly, now a tornado, destroys and sucks up everything in her path - the farm, the terrain, and everything, even the characters, Cricket, Bill and Alice's in particular.)
Gramma: Yeah, take me sky demon...!!!
(Tilly the tornado continues to flatten everything in her path. The other three are thrown to the ground, and Tilly lands gracefully. End result: The farm is gone.)
Cricket: Nice work Tilly. Dad's fake farm is totally destroyed! But... where's Gramma?
Gramma: (flying in the distance) Dang ittttttttttttt!!!!!!!!! (An explosion. In real life she throws off her headset.) Rage quit!
(In-game.)
Cricket: Alright Dad, now you can rejoin us in a world where we can actually move our fingers! Whaddya say? (no response) ...Dad?
(Bill leaves the server.)
Bill's room[]
(A sad Bill opens the door and sees the other three. Simultaneously:)
Cricket: Hey, Dad! Welcome back!
Gramma: Welcome back, Billy Boy.
Tilly: I've missed you Papa.
Bill: (walking past them) Yep. Back to the real world...
Backyard, sunset[]
(Bill sadly shovels dirt, and sighs.)
Cricket: There, he did it again! He's been sittin' there sad sighing for over an hour! I don't get it. Even though Dad's not playin' the game, he's still ain't back to his old self!
Gramma: You better find out what's wrong. (pushes him down) Go fix your dad!
(Shot of Bill's sad face.)
Cricket (OS): Hey, big guy.
Bill: Oh. (clears throat) Hey, son.
Cricket: Dad. Why did you like that game so much?
Bill: Well... the game made me feel like I was... Achieving somethin'. Back in the country I had the space to grow and be successful. But I lost that farm and I've been runnin' in place ever since. There's just no room for me to level up.
(Cricket gets an idea. Fade to black.)
Hallway, the next day[]
(The next day. Cricket knocks on Bill's door.)
Cricket: Dad! Dad! Dad! Daaad!!!!!
Bill: Cricket.
Cricket: Come on outside! I've got something to show you!
(He drags Bill away.)
Bill: Wait! Let me change first!
Big Coffee[]
Interior[]
(They walk past Big Coffee, which is bustling in customers this early, complete with Gloria Sato. Everyone in the cafe and Gloria is looking at them, dumbfounded.)
Bill: I hope you're not taking me anywhere public.
Roof[]
(They go up a hatch, up to the roof of Big Coffee.)
Bill: Where in the wonderful world are you taking me?
Cricket: Congrats, Dad! Your farm has grown in size. (uncovers his eyes, Bill gasps)
(Pan over the new farm extension.)
Cricket (OS): Ms. Cho said that we can use the roof, as long as we give Big Coffee a bit of the proceeds from these planter beds!
Gramma: Well Billy boy, you gonna stand there or are you gonna say something?
Bill: ...
(He leaps in joy!)
Bill: YEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!! (laughs triumphantly) This is incredible!! (pointing to rulers) Oh, you put little rulers on the sides so I can measure stem heights!
(He goes to a trellis.)
Bill: ...And LOOK at this trellis! I can grow new types of tomatoes!
(He runs back to his family...)
Bill: Come here, family. (...and gives them a hug) This is just... perfect! From here on out, I'm committin' to the only farm that matters.
Tilly: That's great Papa! You have unlocked a new achievement.
(Achievement unlocked: Farm Lvl. 2)
Tilly: The farm has officially... levelled up.
Bill: Oh, sweetie! This is incredible! Uh... but... (hands it back to Tilly) could you...
Tilly: Make a video game sound effect as I hand it to you? Of course. (Makes game sound as she gives it to him; the Simulated Farm achievement sounder plays.)
Bill: Ah, yeah. That's the stuff.