|"Mansion Madness"|| Next:|
Big City streets
(Episode title appears on a woman's bag; the Greens ride in the Kludge.)
Cricket: (with eyes closed, pleadingly) Please, oh, please don't say lima beans...
Bill: Lima beans! Just enough left for my lima bean stew!
(Everyone else groans; Bill's phone buzzes and rings, Cricket recognizes who is calling and reaches for it.)
Cricket: I'LL GET IT!
(He sits back in his seat.)
Cricket: Hello, Cricket Green speaking.
Bill: How do you know it's not for me? Could be one of my friends.
Cricket: Oh, hello... (smugly) Remy...
Gramma: Heh, you set yourself up for embarrassment there.
(Splitscreen of the call; on the other end, Remy is laying belly down on a tropical beach.)
Cricket: So how's vacation, Remy?
Remy: So good!
Remy: I saw like, ten fishes, and I'm drinking out of a coconut!
(Vasquez is fanning him with a palm leaf.)
Remy: Vasquez, I'm ready for sunblock, now.
Cricket: Wow, sounds fun!
Remy: (as Vasquez rubs sunblock on his face) Yeah, but...here's the thing. I forgot to feed my pet snake Snakey, and since you know your way around my house, I was hoping you could feed him.
Cricket: (gasps) Go over to your house and feed your pet?! Dang, you sure must trust me a lot to give me such a super important task.
Remy: Well, of course I trust you!
Cricket: I graciously accept! (hangs up; grabs the wheel)
Bill: What!? Cricket!?
Cricket: Gotta make a pit stop, Dad!
Bill: How did you -- son, what are you -- AAAAAGH!!!
(He forcibly steers the Kludge to the right side of the screen.)
Remington Manor, exterior
Bill (OS): (terrified) Now Cricket, when I'm behind the wheel, Daddy's driving!
(The gates open to let the Kludge through.)
Cricket: (sounding unnatural) Okay. Sorry.
Bill, Gramma: Wowwee!/Whoa...
(They witness the glory of the mansion, just like how Cricket and Tilly did back then.)
Bill: This is Remy's house?
Gramma: Holy moly.
Bill: I-I knew Remy was well-off, but...I-I didn't realize he was this --
Cricket: (gets off) Loaded? Yes, yes, he sure is. But I like to think Remy is loaded with somethin' better than gold: my friendship.
(He goes up to the front doors and punches in the code to unlock them.)
Cricket: You should be honored to have a son who's trusted with so much. (opens door; begins to enter) Okay, I'll be right back!
Bill: If the outside is this nice, imagine the inside!
(Cricket looks inside, then at his family for a moment. After a beat...)
Cricket: (smiles) You wanna go inside?
(The family is surprised.)
Bill: Oh, nonononono.
Gramma: No, no.
Tilly: (raises her hand) Yes of course.
Cricket: Well, come on! Remy's mansion is my mansion today!
Bill: I don't know, son. Are you sure we should?
Cricket: Family, don't worry. Remy trusted me, and I say you can come on in!
(The Greens are impressed.)
Inside, main foyer
(Cricket leads the family in.)
Cricket: Welcome to...Remy's house! Pretty impressive, huh? And to think, we're all here because of me.
(A robot comes forth, with a broom and duster for hands.)
Cricket: Ooh, lookee here! This is their robot butler. Here you go, boy! Here's a snack!
(He tosses some cookie halves from his chest pocket onto the floor; the robot drives back and forth over them, breaking them more.)
Cricket: Yeah, the technology isn't really there yet, but it's still pretty cool.
Other Greens: Wow...
Elevator, first-second floor
(They enter an elevator.)
Cricket: This is the elevator...
Elevator voice: First floor.
(It takes them to the top.)
Elevator voice: Second floor.
Other Greens: Wow...
Cricket: And check this thingy out! (Goes up to a Burger Clown order window) What do y'all want from Burger Clown? (makes an order) Did I hear three milkshakes? (confirms the order)
Burger Clown: Order up!
(He opens a delivery door below to reveal the milkshakes have been instantly shipped.)
Other Greens: Wow...
Cricket: Well, enough dilly-dallyin'. I got a super-important job to do, so...make yourselves at home. Look around! Go explore! Enjoy a bit of the highlife! Remy left me in charge, and I say...have fun. (goes upstairs) I'll be back in a bit!
(Pause; Bill and Tilly split up giggling, the latter grabbing onto the robot as it leaves.)
Gramma: Pssh! This place ain't that nice. Bah! (throws her milkshake on the ground)
(She traverses a hallway adorned with crystal chandeliers.)
Gramma: What do you need all these doors for?! You got somethin' to hide?!
(She enters an atrium with a fountain in the center.)
Gramma: Oh, an indoor fountain? I wouldn't be caught dead without one of these.
(She goes down one doorway, suddenly exiting out one on the other side of the fountain.)
Gramma: Ooh! Two indoor fountains?! To save us from embarrassment if the first were to break!
(She exits down the middle doorway, again warping to the one next to it.)
Gramma: Huh? Three fountains? Huh. Either they really, really like fountains, or... I'm lost.
(Tilly is still riding on the robot.)
Tilly: Wowwee, this place sure is neat!
Rashida's dressing room
(She gets off and enters through the door.)
Tilly: Cricket did say "make yourself at home"...
(She sees hundreds of shelves coated with fancy clothing.)
Tilly: So I think I will! Eeeeeee!!!!!!
(She tries on a pair of high heels, fingers about the expensive necklaces, then finishes dressing up in a long blue dress with faux collar, purple shawl sleeves, and a green pillbox hat with feathers.)
Tilly: There. What do you think, Buford? I know: it's a little fancy for our childrens' PTA meeting.
Robot: (trying to vaccum up a dress) Error. Error.
Tilly: Well! EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE...ME!
(Bill opens the door and flips on the light switch.)
(One by one a spot picks up a line of antique cars.)
Bill: A collection of classic cars.
(The last particular car is lit; he is taken aback.)
Bill: NO! It can't be...!! (Close-up on the truck's features as he describes them.) 4-ply balloon tires... mint condition honky horn... I can't believe it -- An original Model B Kludge!!! (goes up to it and knocks on its headlight) Still solid as a rock. (tears up) I guess it's true what they say: "Kludge Don't Budge"!
(Zoom back to reveal a poster with the same spiel, along with the subtext: "...Or my name isn't Klifford Kludge." He checks the front seat.)
Bill: It even has the original rope seatbelt! (gets in and puts it on, giggling; suddenly nervous) Wait -- what am I doin'? Playin' around in the Remingtons' antique car?! I... I...
Cricket's voice: Bill...
Bill: Who said that?
Cricket's voice: Down here!
(Zoom down to reveal the hood ornament has taken on the form of Cricket in hallucination; its head turns slowly toward Bill.)
Cricket Ornament: Remember what I said? Make yourself at home! Live a little of the highlife.
Bill: "At home." (holds the wheel) Okay...don't mind if I do! (honks the horn)
(Snakey is asleep in his tank.)
Cricket: Hey, Snakey! (goes up to the tank, taps the glass) I bet you missed me, huh? (Snakey wakes up and hisses annoyed.) Whoa-ho-ho! You missed me. You must be hungry. (holds up a food can) How 'bout some delicious...imitation mice...? (opens it and shuffles through) Well, they can't be that -- (takes out a cracker in the shape of a mouse) BLEH!!
(Throwing the jar aside, he hops onto the table and opens the cage roof.)
Cricket: Oh, well! And now to do the one thing I came here for.
(He starts to feed Snakey the mouse cracker, only to pull it back, noticing something else.)
Cricket: Wait, is that what I think it is? (goes to a pedistal and gasps at...) Remy's diary. (pauses) Well, Remy trusts me to feed his snake, so I'm sure he trusts me with this, too.
(He unlocks the diary and flops down on the bed, and skims through it.)
Cricket: Hmm, let's see...boring, boring, boring... (stops at an entry) "Dear Diary: Sometimes I like to imagine myself growing up with big, big muscles." Well, it's good to have goals, I guess... (turns the page) WHOA!!
(Close-up of the pages, panning right to reveal pictures of muscular bodies with Remy's own head taped to them.)
Cricket: I'm...just gonna pretend I didn't see that.
(During this, he doesn't realize he left Snakey's cage roof open; he escapes and slithers right out the door.)
Cricket: Huh? Snakey! (chases him) Hey!
(Bill drives the old Kludge outside.)
Bill: One spin around the driveway never hurt nobody. She rides like a dream!
(He drives all over the place.)
Bill: Yoo-hoo! Yee-haw! Yeah! Hey, lady! Like my ride? (goes back in) Hoo-hoo, that was fun.
Bill: I'll just ease the brakes...
(Unfortunately, there's no brake next to the gas pedal.)
Bill: No footbrake? It must be the handbraaaaaaake...
(No handbrake either; he's heading straight for the wall.)
Bill: No...no! Ack...where's the brake!?! (The truck flips around just in time...) Where's the brake!!??!!
(...and drives right back out.)
Bill: OH NO NO!!!! I CAN'T STOP THIS THING! AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!
(He screeches in the grass near some topiaries.)
(Tilly cracks open one of the Remingtons' luxurious eggs, spilling its gems into a frying pan heating up.)
Tilly: These eggs are no good.
(There is a knock at the door.)
Tilly: (answers) Hello?
(A fancy-dressed purple woman is here holding a steaming teacup.)
Posh woman: Hello. I live next door, and I heard a man screaming in your yard!
(Here comes a man with a good tan and visible abs.)
Tanned man: Yeah! What's the deal with all the noise? (lifts sunglasses) I was in the middle of a very expensive spray-tan!
(They are joined by a fancy-dressed blue man who is just as high as their waists.)
Stout man: Harumph! Harumph! What is all that noise?! Where are the Remingtons?! And who are you?! Time is money!!!
Tilly: (panics) Ah -- I'm -- uh --
Cricket's voice: Tilly...
(She looks up; Cricket's face appears on one of her hat feathers in hallucination.)
Cricket Feather: Remember what I said? Make yourself at home! (He is reflected in her eyes.) Live a little of the highlife.
Tilly: The Remingtons... died.
(The neighbors are shocked.)
Tilly: I mean, they... moved to Antarctica! (chuckles; speaking fancy-like) I am Honey Belle Sweet Tea. I'm havin' a little housewarmin' soirée, as this is my home, now. So do come in. (pushes them in)
(Gramma is still stuck in the halls.)
Gramma: I'M LOST!!!!! How long have I been here!!?? Days!? Weeks!? Everything looks the same!!! Dang it, Alice! You only got a finite amount of time left! You will not spend it here!! I need somethin' to leave a trail with.
(She enters a room whose walls are filled with taxidermy heads.)
(She enters an "Affirmation room", with a big poster on the wall that reads, "YES!".)
(She enters a bathroom; ahead of her is a gold-encrusted toilet.)
(She takes the toilet paper and begins unrolling it to cover her tracks.)
Gramma: If I see one more horrible thing in this freaky rich person house, I will --
(She stops and gasps, before noticing a rather creepy-looking painting of Remy as a baby lying on his tummy nude.)
(She runs off in a fright; Cricket appears from a doorway.)
Cricket: Snakey! Where are you -- (notices the TP trail) What the -- ? Ugh!! (gathers it all up) I told everyone to make themselves at home, not to make themselves a mess!
(He exits with the TP just as Gramma comes where he came humming; she stops.)
Gramma: Wait...somethin' about this feels familiar...
(She witnesses the baby painting from before.)
(He hears the sound of laughter from the doorway below.)
Cricket: What the heck...?
(Tilly is hanging with the neighbors, sitting on a fainting couch and holding a glass with a grape juice box; she sounds as stuck-up as before.)
Tilly: Yes, yes. It's all very rich and fancy. (drinks her juice)
Cricket: (enters) Tilly? What's goin' on in here?
Tilly: Whoooooo is this "Tilly" you speak of?! My name is Honey Belle Sweet Tea!
Cricket: WHAT!!? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT!!??
Stout man: My word! Is that an unfortunate?
Tilly: Yes, yes. Just rattle your jewelry and he'll run away.
(The neighbors shout at Cricket to scram.)
Cricket: Tilly, what the heck's gotten into you?! (Snakey slithers behind him; notices) Snakey? (runs off)
(Snakey escapes out the back window.)
Cricket: GET BACK HERE! (hops out) YOU'RE MY ONE JOB! (chases; pants) Get back here, you!
Bill: (still driving the old Kludge; charges for him) LOOK OUT!!
Cricket: AAAAAGH!! (jumps out of the way) Oof. Agh!!
Bill: Son! I was playing in the Remingtons' car, and now I can't stop iiiiiitttttttt!!!!!!! (sees a ceiling cord) Wait, I think I found the brake! (pulls it; reverses fast) AAAAHHHHH!!!
(He starts knocking over several statues.)
Bill: THAT...! Oh, dear. WASN'T...! Oh, my! THE BRAAAAAKE!!!
Cricket: Agh!! What have I done!? I just had to go show off and let my family in! Of course, this blunder went to their heads! (The phone rings.) Huh?
Tilly: (answers the phone) Honey Belle Sweet Tea. How rich are you?
Cricket: NO! GIMMIE THAT! (fights her until he grabs the phone) Remington residence, everything's fine!
Remingtons' helicopter/Living room
Cricket: Hey, Cricket! Good news: We're coming home!
(Cricket is dumbstruck.)
Remy: Dad got bit by a crab, and now he hates the beach.
Russell: Vasquez! Fly faster! I will not rest until that beach is but a distant memory! (takes over)
Remy: So now, you don't have to worry about feeding Snakey anymore!
Cricket: Well, you see Remy, that's kind of a problem, because everything's a disaster!
(Remy is distraught.)
Cricket: (from the phone) Tilly's gone crazy, Dad's in a runaway car, and Gramma... (Back to him.) Where is Gramma?!?
(Gramma is still before the creepy baby picture of Remy, lying on the floor covered in TP and sobbing madly.)
Remingtons' helicopter/Living room
Cricket: Oh, Remy, it's a real mess! You never shoulda trusted me!!
Remy: Cricket, listen. I trusted you to feed Snakey, not because you never mess anything up, but because I know: Even when things go really, really wrong, you always find a way to fix it! And I'm trusting you to do that now.
Cricket: Aww, gee, Remy, I --
Remy: Also if you don't, we'll be in big trouble with my dad, Cricket!!! BIG, BIG TROUBLE!!!!!
Cricket: Eugh! Okay, okay!
Remy: I'll stall them! You can do this!! (hangs up)
Cricket: Yes, I can, Remy. Yes, I can.
(Tilly and the neighbors are playing catch with an antique vase.)
Stout man: My word, Honey Belle! Toss the Vase is possibly the most thrilling game I've ever played!
(He tosses it over his shoulder; it is caught by Cricket in the darkness.)
Stout man: Aww, I wanted to see the big vase go "smash, smash"!
Tilly: Reveal yourself, dark stranger!
(Cricket reveals himself; he too is dressed fancy with a drawn-on mustache.)
Cricket: It is I, Monty Montgomery! Billionaire extraordinaire!
Tilly: Ah! Monty! My second cousin twice removed!
Cricket: Honey Belle, I came to warn you that these rapscallions intend to steal your fortune!
Tilly: Steal my fortune?! BEGONE! OUT, I SAY!!
Tilly (OS): OUT, PLEASE! OUT, RAPSCALLIONS!
(She throws cutlery at them, scaring them out; Cricket sheds his disguise.)
Cricket: Problem solved!
Tilly: (back to her usual outlook) Sorry I lost control there, brother.
Cricket: It's good to have you back, Tilly. NOW GO CLEAN UP YOUR DANG MESS, THE REMINGTONS ARE COMING!
Tilly: Oh...right away!! (runs inside)
Cricket: Oh, I gotta find Dad!
(The old Kludge is still haywire.)
Bill: AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH!
Cricket: (runs up) Dad!!
Bill: Son, I'm so sorry I got carried away!
Cricket: We all did!! Now how do we stop this thing!?!
Bill: I don't know! The controls aren't anything like my Kludge!
Cricket: (gasps) Your Kludge!
(Up ahead is the Kludge of today.)
Bill: What about my Kludge? (Cricket appears before him, grabbing the wheel) Son!! I told you, when I'm drivin' --
Cricket: "Kludge Don't Budge"...that's the saying, right?
Bill: (realizing) You're right! You're darn right!
(As they scream in fear, the old Kludge keeps driving until it gets so close to the current Kludge...and just nudges against it and finally stops.)
Cricket: It stopped! (they get out) We did it!
Bill: (sniffs; in tears) Neither of 'em budged.
Cricket: Okay, you put away the truck! I gotta find Snakey! (looks in a bush) Snakey?
Rashida's dressing room
(Tilly throws all the fancy clothes on a mannequin.)
Tilly: Thanks, lady!
(Bill struggles to get the old Kludge back into the garage.)
(Tilly and the robot clean the place up.)
(Bill sets up the statues.)
Cricket: Snakey! Where are you, buddy?! (gasps; sees Snakey on a beaheaded statue) Snakey! C'mon down here, bud!
(He takes out the mouse cracker from before and waves it; Snakey just hisses at him.)
Cricket: GAH! (The Remingtons' helicopter is landing out front.) Oh, no! And I haven't even fed Snakey! (gasps in realization) Hold that thought!
(He takes one of the hubcaps off the Kludge.)
(The Remingtons get off as Remy tries to stop them.)
Remy: Dad! I think I left my phone at the beach!
Russell: I'm not facin' that crab again! We'll buy you a new phone!
Remy: Oh, Dad! I'm growing up so fast!! HOLD ME LIKE THE OLD TIMES!
Russell: Remy, what are you doin'?!
Cricket: (stands before Snakey) Hey, Snakey! I know those biscuits ain't too appetizing, so how about a nice... (shows two of the Kludge's hubcaps over his head) big... (Snakey stares) juicy... mouse?!
(From Snakey's heat perspective, he sees Cricket as a mouse; he hisses and charges forward, and Cricket holds his mouth open with one of the hubcaps.)
Cricket: YAH!...Huh? Just kiddin'! (holds out the mouse cracker) Biscuits for you!
(He puts it in Snakey's mouth; he removes the hubcap so Snakey can swallow, and he finally calms down.)
(Remy is still stalling his parents.)
Russell: Remy, now is not the time to --
(He gets him down; he sees the Greens outside the front door looking innocent with the whole place sparkling and Snakey wrapped around Cricket.)
Russell: Oh, the Green family? What are you doin' here?
Cricket: Uh...Remy asked us to feed his snake while you guys are away. We were just takin' him for an afternoon slither.
Rashida: Wow. How responsible.
Cricket: That's us! The responsible, trustworthy Green family.
(The sound of Gramma's mad screaming catches them off guard; she comes bashing through the top window wrestling the robot with TP.)
Robot: Error. Error.
(They smash down on the ground, the robot breaking to bits and powering down; everyone is bewildered.)
Gramma: All right, let's go home. (waves away the TP and walks away)