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"Paint Misbehavin'" | Next: "Rated Cricket" |
Big Coffee, interior[]
(Episode title appears on a display board outside. Gloria is trying to mend the coffee maker.)
Gloria: Hmm...
Cricket: (pops up next to her) Hiya, Gloria. What'cha doin'?
Gloria: Tryin' to figure out how to fix this thing.
Cricket: I can fix it for ya! (gets out pliers) What'cha got here is a classic case of too many wires. A little clip-clip, snip-snip, and we'll be good to go. (reaches for the wires inside)
Gloria: No! Cricket, that's never the problem!!
Cricket: Aaaaaaaand...
Gloria: (knocks his hand away with a shovel) No! Cricket, stop it!
Cricket: (reaches again) I just gotta get in there...
Gloria: (blocks him again) Stop it.
Cricket: Just let me --
(They begin to fight each other)
Cricket: Gloria!
Gloria: You're gonna make it worse!
(Their tools jab right into the wires, spewing smoke everywhere.)
Cricket, Gloria: AGH!
(The smoke clears.)
Cricket: (coughs)
Gloria: Ugh!! Cricket, you need to listen to me!
Cricket: (growls) But we're co-workers! Which means sometimes you need to listen to me! I've got all sorts of great ideas!
Gloria: Pfft. Like what?
Cricket: Well, for starters... (sits on the pastry display and holds two bagels) Why do we have bagels when we can have donuts? Bagels are boring! (points to the order boards) And also, why do all the prices have to end in nine? Why not end in a three? I like three! (goes over to a display of paintings on the wall) And these weirdo paintings of nothing should be replaced with paintings of actual things, like...dogs wearin' swimsuits.
(Shows a painting of what he imagined.)
Cricket: (pounding a fist) Everyone...likes...dogs!
Gloria: Whoa, whoa! These paintings are abstract art! Of course I wouldn't expect you to understand it. The artist poured their heart out, and this canvas caught the pieces.
Cricket: Eww...gross!! (nervous chuckle)
Gloria: Ugh, whatever. You wouldn't know good artwork if it kicked you in the butt. I'm going on break! You're in charge until I get back! (exits)
Cricket: (inspired) In charge, huh? (looks at the paintings) Hmm...
Parking lot[]
(Gloria is sleeping against the steering wheel of her car; her phone buzzes.)
Gloria: (sighs) Break's over.
Interior[]
(She reenters and suddenly stops.)
Gloria: What the -- ?!
(Cricket has doodled all over one of Gloria's paintings and placed it on the wall behind the counter.)
Cricket: Hmm? Well, hi, Gloria!
(Reveals all the other paintings have doodles and are on display.)
Gloria: What did you do?!
Cricket: While I was in charge, I just put one of my great ideas into motion.
Gloria: But...my paintings! You ruined my paintings!
Cricket: Your paintings? You mean the ones that have been hangin' here forever? The ones that everybody ignored and nobody ever gives a passing glance, and none of them have ever sold, not even one? You painted those?
Gloria: (full of guilt) ...Yes. I went to art school for four years.
Cricket: Well, that stinks.
Gloria: (points to a doodle of a boat) And now, instead of this piece being about how my parakeet doesn't love me, it's just garbage!
Cricket: No, it's better! Because it's still about how your bird hates you! (doodles a bird on it) But now the bird's on a boat!
Gloria: Ugh!!! Cricket...!
Yellow man: (comes over) Is that painting for sale?
Gloria: No. Sorry. It's ruined. (takes it off the wall) I'm throwing it in the garbage.
Yellow man: If you're throwin' it away, I'll take it!
Gloria: It's yours. (hands it to him)
Yellow man: Oh, dang, man, that's some nice art. (leaves)
Cricket: Bye-bye now!
Gloria: ...Wow. He actually...liked it? (smiles)
Cricket: I toldja I have good ideas!
Blue man: I'd like to buy that piece there, please?
Purple woman: I want one, too!
(More customers shout for paintings; they smile and hand one to each of them, and they leave satisfied. The walls are now empty without any painting on them.)
Gloria: Oh, my gosh! Not a single one left! This is incredible!! Cricket, I think we're on to something. Sure, it's a bit demoralizing to need the artistic skill of an untrained child to sell my artwork, but if that's what it takes, then so be it! If we keep this up, we could really be somebody! We might even make a little money!
Cricket: Yes, please!
Olive man: (comes in) Hey, you guys have any more of those awesome paintings?
(They smile with an idea.)
Cricket, Gloria: Mmmmmmm...!?! Well, I guess we could make more...!!!
Olive man: So you don't have any more paintings?
Some time later[]
(Cricket and Gloria are now sketching their artworks. Cricket doodles while Gloria does her abstract; they then switch.)
Cricket, Gloria: Guh...
Cricket: Uh...
(They then put their respective works over the other's, giggling. Bill enters.)
Bill: Oh, wow! What's goin' on here?
Cricket: Oh, hey, Dad!
Bill: I thought your shift here was finished hours ago. what have you been up to?
Gloria: We're making abstract art, Mr. Green. I take all my feelings of my hopes and dreams, and failures and insecurities and emptiness and loneliness and darkness and endless trying to no avail and dreams being crushed...
Bill: Uh...
(Pause.)
Gloria: (snaps out) I put that all onto a canvas and hope people get it!
Cricket: And that's when I come in and draw somethin' people actually care about.
Bill: Oh! Ha-ha...a great job, Cricket! Everyone likes dinosaurs! Well, you kids have fun. I'll just get a drink and go.
Cricket: He's a good man.
Counter[]
Bill: Hmm, let's see here...
(Tilly suddenly comes over, wearing a Big Coffee hat and apron.)
Tilly: Ready to order?
Bill: Tilly? What are you doin' here?
Tilly: I'm helpin' out while the artists are makin' beautiful, majestic art.
(Shows Cricket and Gloria making their art at manic speed.)
Bill: Well, in that case, one coffee for Bill please.
Tilly: (gets out a cup) Coffee for Bill? Is there a Bill here?
Bill: Tilly, my name is Bill.
Tilly: Here ya go, Papa! Freshly brewed. (hands Bill the cup)
Bill: Aww, thanks, sweetie. (looks in the cup) Uh...Tilly?
(Bill's cup has milk in it with gummy bears floating along the top.)
Bill: What is this?
Tilly: It's skim milk and gummy bears. I haven't completed the employee training yet.
Bill: Okay, well...ya gave it your best shot. Mmm...so good.
Tilly: I can tell you're not drinkin' it. C'mon, give it a try.
Bill: (nervous chuckle) Well...all right...
(He takes a small sip of the cup and begins to choke.)
Tilly: Go on, drink the whole thing.
(More drinking; the milk drips down his cheeks.)
Tilly: ALL OF IT.
(The milk smears all over his shirt and even a few gummy bears drip down as well; Bill groans.)
Tilly: Good...can I get'cha anything else?
Bill: I'm good.
Cricket's easel[]
Gloria: Hey dude, I'll be right back.
Cricket: Hmm...
(Behind him, a fancy-dressed blue businesswoman enters the cafe.)
Businesswoman: (gasps; speaking in a German accent) Magnificent!
Cricket: Can't get the perspective right...
Businesswoman: Pardon me? (taps his back)
Cricket: ACK! (stumbles; stops)
Businesswoman: I just want to get a closer look. (looks at Cricket's painting) Hmm...feelings of abandonment and nostalgia...mixed with industrial progression...
Cricket: Yeah! Plus trains are neat!
Businesswoman: Indeed. Young man, my name is Vuka Vukojrvich of Vuka Vukojrvich Galleries.
Cricket: (shakes her hand) Art lady...
Businesswoman (Vuka): Yes. Well, your art is very thought-provoking.
Cricket: (gets down from his stool) Thanks! I just like to draw stuff that looks like stuff. (shows one particular picture) Like this one. I call it "Bird Eating Squirrel".
(Outside, an eagle is doing the same thing as the picture.)
Cricket: I like that bird.
Vuka: Art imitating life...brilliant. Little boy, you paint all these by yourself?
(That sentence hits him hard.)
Cricket: Hmm...yeah. Yeah! Basically.
Vuka: Well, in that case... (takes out a profile card) Here's the address of my gallery. I want to feature your artwork there, tonight. (hands it to him)
Cricket: Ooooooh! Okay!
Vuka: (hands him another card) And here is address of barber. Please fix hair.
Cricket: (takes it) Hmm...
Vuka: See you at the gallery! I am going to make you a star.
Cricket: Woooooow...
Gloria: (comes back) Hey, Cricket. What was that about?
Cricket: Oh, just some fancy art lady wants to put my artwork in a show and sell them and make me rich and famous...
Gloria: (takes the info card and gasps) Vuka Vukojrvich!? Vuka wants to show our art!?
Cricket: Heh, well, she's obviously responding to my part of "our" artwork.
Gloria: What are you saying?
Cricket: Oh, it's pretty clear folks didn't like your paintings until I added my drawings. (Gloria is stunned) So...I think I can do this whole art thing on my own. I know what people want, and they want me!
Gloria: That's ridiculous! Without my additions, you just have scribbles!
Cricket: (offended) SCRIBBLES?! How dare you! They're obviously doodles! How 'bout you come to the gallery later? You'll be singin' a different tune when I sell oodles of my doodles!
Gloria: Oh, I'll be there, all right! To watch you fail!
Cricket: (clears throat) Well, sorry Gloria, I need to split. After all, I have a gallery to prepare for.
(He exits; Gloria angrily growls and splits her paintbrush in half.)
Tilly: You look stressed. (offers a cup) This one's on the house.
Green's House, bathroom[]
(Cricket is getting ready.)
Cricket: Alright Cricket, time to get fancy for this art show. I don't need no stinkin' barber.
(He licks both of his hands and slicks back his hair with the saliva.)
Cricket: Ar-tist! (makes a horse noise) Remember, Cricket: if ya see any paintings of naked people, DON'T. LAUGH. No matter how naked they are.
Studio Vuka, interior[]
(Various patrons are perusing the gallery's artwork; Cricket stands before his doodles with no abstract art from Gloria, who watches him.)
Cricket: Step right up, artsy art patrons! See the genius work of child prodigy Cricket Green!
(Gloria growls and dips her strawberry into the chocolate fountain, before chomping into it.)
Cricket: We got planes! We got trains! (someone steps up) Lemme guess, sir. You like dinosaurs.
Yellow man: Hmm... (Cricket gets anticipated) Nah.
Cricket: (confused) Huh? Well, somebody's got questionable taste.
(Nearby, another patron is greeting another artist.)
Orange man: Beautiful work, really.
Alecia F.: Thank you! You validated me as an artist by buying my painting!
(She puts a "SOLD" sticker above the description.)
Cricket: Huh?
(He looks to other paintings that had been sold.)
Cricket: None of my art's sellin'. What the heck is goin' on?!
(Finally Vuka steps up.)
Vuka: Young man, what is this? Where are paintings from where I had stale scone?
Cricket: Oh, these are them, but better! I fixed 'em up and got rid of those pointless blotches. Now they're just my doodles!
Vuka: That was mistake. The only thing worse than this childish renderings is your hair.
(Cricket's hair shines; he nervously musses it back to its regular do but with a cowlick.)
Cricket: Oh yeah, well...I bet I can sell some art to the next person I see. (to a passing man and woman) Uh...you two! I could already tell you're gonna be walkin' outta here with a doodle by yours truly! Perhaps one of my self portraits!
(He presents a rather crudely drawn image of himself; he strikes the same pose as the picture and breathes.)
Brown man: Ugh, no.
(They leave.)
Cricket: No, wait! I-I've got plenty others!
Vuka: You are a disappointment, farm boy. (leaves)
Cricket: But I -- (sighs) Double dang it.
Gloria (OS): Hey, Cricket! (cut to her on the couch getting a tray of hors d'oeuvres) Not as easy as ya thought, huh? (to the waiter) Keep 'em comin'.
(Cricket sighs and sits with her.)
Cricket: I think people hate my doodles.
Gloria: Yup. The art world's a cruel place. It'll chew you up and spit you out. (coughs)
Cricket: (a thought hits him) Wait a second. I couldn't sell anything. Just like you!
Gloria: Uh...rude.
Cricket: Nonono, I mean, we had something when we worked together! But I squandered it -- I squandered it! We should go back to bein' a team -- we could sell these paintings and you could make a good impression on Vuka! That is, of course, if you'd be willing to work with me again.
(Gloria smiles and straightens out his cowlick.)
Gloria: Let's do it. You got any paints?
Cricket: Just leave it to me! Also, please don't touch my hair ever again.
Waiter: (to the brown man) Sir, would you like some hors d'oeuvres?
Cricket: I WOULD! (takes the plate and spills it)
Waiter: Oh!!
(Cricket runs into the employee room and rustles about until he comes out with spare paints.)
Cricket: GLORIA!
Gloria: Huh?
Cricket: The time has come to art like you've never arted before!!
(Gloria dips a brush into the orange paint.)
Cricket: Over here, Gloria! Add some abstract here! (she slashes her paint across a cat picture) Now on this corner! (she paints a horse picture) Yeah!
(The couple is surprised.)
Brown man: Hmm...so complex, and yet...
Blue woman: So simple.
Both: I'll take it!
Cricket: SOLD! (puts a sticker near the cat picture) SOLD! (puts another near the horse picture)
(He approaches three more doodles.)
Cricket: Gloria! Release your muse on these!
Gloria: Ha-ha! (slashes pink paint across them)
(More stickers; the painting continues.)
Cricket: Gloria, you're on FIRE!!!!!
Gloria: HA!
Cricket: YES!
Gloria: HA!
Cricket: MAGNIFICENT!!
Gloria: HA-HA!
Cricket: Mwah!
Gloria: HA! HA! HA!
(One last splash of paint; Vuka is on the display that got it, splashed all over and looking quite miffed. She steps back.)
Vuka: (about to lose it) Excuse me...WHAT IS IT YOU ARE DOING!!??
Cricket: Uh...art? As a gallery owner, it seems like you'd know that.
Gloria: (pleadingly) Vuka, I am so sorry. I was just so inspired that I got carried away. I am so honored to have my work featured in your gallery.
Cricket: So, what do you think, Vuka? We make a pretty good team, huh?
(Vuka growls, about to blow her top.)
Cricket: What's wrong? Did we...not do...a good?
Vuka: Sure...your pieces sold. But I'll be keeping your profits because you've RUINED THE ENTIRE GALLERY!!!!!!
(The whole studio is messed up from the paint.)
Red female artist: Oh, it's hideous!!
Green male artist: Who would do this?!
Blue female artist: This wasn't my vision at all!!
Purple male artist: SOMEONE CENSORED MY ART!!!
(The painting of three naked cherubs has been censored by green paint blobs.)
Purple male artist: But it was so... (chuckles a bit) Funny.
Cricket: Ha! It is funny!
(pause)
Vuka: Get out.
Outside curb[]
(Cricket and Gloria stand alone on the sidewalk.)
Cricket: Sorry, Gloria. That could've gone better.
Gloria: No, I don't think it could've! For the first time in years, I felt alive as an artist! And you know, we do make a pretty good team.
Cricket: (restyles his hair) Just a couple o' ar-tists!
Gloria: (chuckles, sighs) You look dumb.
Cricket: (chuckles) Yeah.
(They walk home.)