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Previous:
"Cricket's Biscuits"
"Skunked" Next:
"Axin' Saxon"

Big Coffee, interior

(Episode title appears as a sticker on the back of someone's laptop. Cricket is sampling the display.)

Cricket: These muffins look a bit stale. Better make sure they're up to company standards. (starts to eat one) Ahhhh... (gets pulled away) Agh!

Gloria: Really, Cricket?

Cricket: (nervous chuckle)

Gloria: I told you a million times: if you want muffins, you have to pay for them like everyone else. Now get back to work!

Cricket: (shimmies away; mumbles to himself) "Get back to work!"

Gloria: I heard that!

(The doorbell is heard ringing; in walks a green-skinned man as everyone gasps.)

Gloria: OH MY GOSH! Wow! It's really him!

Cricket: Who 'dat?

Gloria: You don't know? That's Mark, he's a local hero.

(She shows on her phone a video titles "Big City hero saves the day!"; in it, Mark runs inside a building on fire and comes out with a myriad of cats, as an explosion is heard behind him.)

Mark: Did anyone lose these?

(The firefighters arrive and congratulate him.)

Firefighters: (variously) Certainly! Wow! That's amazing! That was braver than I am!

(In reality...)

Customers: (variously) Good stuff, man. What a hero! Gosh, you're so cool!

Gloria: What a good guy...

Cricket: (scoffs) I coulda done that.

Gloria: You wish.

Mark: (walks over) Excuse me? (holds up a Splish can) I found this empty can four miles away, and I was just wondering, if you have recycling.

Gloria: Ah! Recycling! Of course! (takes the can) And for your bravery, have a free muffin. (hands him one)

Cricket: What!?! (he is given the can)

Mark: Wow. Thank you. Does anyone wanna split this with me? (walks away)

Cricket: What the heck?! That guy gets free muffins just for showin' up?! When people see me, all I get is, "Oh! Why is that little boy not wearing shoes?" Or... "Sir, this isn't a "rest room"!" What's Mark got that I don't?!

Gloria: Maybe if you did something heroic, you'd get muffins, too.

Cricket: Heroic...?

(He imagines himself as a bulky super dude with long, flowing hair and posing atop a peak with a sword before medieval peasant people.)

Peasants: HERO! HERO! HERO! HERO!

Fantasy Gloria: Hail, brave warrior! May I offer you a muffin?

Fantasy Cricket: Heh, no thanks. (mouth full of them) I already had like, a million.

(Back to reality.)

Cricket: I must become...a hero.

Green's house, backyard

(Rustling is heard in the tree; shows Dirtbag napping on the tree branch.)

Cricket (OS): (stagey) Oh, no!

(He climbs up to him.)

Cricket: A cat stuck in a tree? It looks like you need a hero to save you! (tries to grab him but he avoids) Dirtbag, what are you doin'? (tries to grab him) Just let me rescue you! (he gets scratched in the face) AGH!!! STOP STOP STOP!!! WHYYYY?!

(Dirtbag jumps out himself and walks away.)

Cricket: Fine! I'll just rescue someone else! All right, who's in need of saving...huh?

(He spots an old lady heading for a hole in the sidewalk.)

Cricket (OS): (gasps) That old lady's gonna fall into that hole! I'LL SAVE YOUUUUU!!!!!!!

Sidewalk, near "hole"

(He jumps out of the tree and plows her away.)

Old lady: Oh my, what are you doing?

Cricket: I just saved you from that hole!

Old lady: Hole? (sits up) Wha...it's just a drawing.

Cricket: Whaaaat?! (walks on the "hole", leaving footprints on it) Aw, it was just a dang illusion!

Chalk artist: Hey, watch where you're stepping, chalk is a very fickle medium!

Cricket: Oh, my bad. Whoa!! (flops down; shimmies away) Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry! (stands) Darn, struck out twice. What now? (looks over and gasps)

(Zooms out to reveal a cockroach lying on its back in the middle of the street.)

Cricket: I'LL SAVE YOU, LITTLE BUGGY!

(He tumbles and grabs it.)

Cricket: Gotcha! Heh-heh, careful little guy. It's not safe to play in the street. You could get hit by a --

(Here comes a car right on cue; Mark plows him away just in time.)

Sidewalk, outside Green's house

Mark: You okay, little guy?

(More citizens join him.)

Red man: Whoa, Mark! That was amazing!

Pink woman: You just saved that little boy, what a hero!

Brown man: Incredible!

Cricket: Hey-y?! What about me?! I was saving this bug! (feels something crunch) Hmm? (backs a bit to reveal the roach crushed) Oh...

Mark: (pushes him aside) This bug is in critical condition! I must administer mouth-to-mouth immediately.

(He whistles and begins giving the roach mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.)

Red man: Wow! You go, Mark!

Pink woman: Look at him save that bug!

Brown man: Incredible!

Cricket: (walks away) Ugh...this hero stuff is hard.

(He hears the sound of eating; in a back alley, he finds three skunks eating trash.)

Cricket: Skunks? Their stinky spray can be pretty dangerous. (gets an idea) But maybe... (gets a rotten sandwich out of a trash can) A little danger is just what I need.

(He holds the sandwich before the skunks, getting their attention.)

Big Coffee, back door

(Cricket throws some bits from the sandwich, luring the snakes to the door.)

Cricket: All right...we're in position. Let's go over...the plan!

(He unfolds some paper to reveal a plan; zoom to the paper, the plan is shown in the style of stick figure doodles.)

Cricket (VO):

  • Step 1: I let you in through the back door of the cafe.
  • Step 2: You terrorize all the customers.
    "Ahh!" "Oh, no!" "I'm so scared!"
  • Step 3: I come in and say, "BEGONE, STINKY BOYS!"
    That's your cue to run outta there.
    "Whoo-hoo!" "Hooray!" "Way to go, kid!"
  • Step 4: I am hailed as a hero.

(Back to reality.)

Cricket: So whaddya think? (holds hand out) We got a deal?

(The skunks don't touch his hand or look at him once; they just keep munching at the bread crumbs.)

Cricket: Heh, I like you guys. (opens door) Now let's get to it!

(He throws the sandwich inside and the skunks chase it in; he runs to the front, chuckling mischievously.)

Interior

Gloria: And here is your small big coffee. (chuckles) Uh...Just try and keep it fun.

Turquoise woman: AAAAGH!!! SKUNKS! SKUNKS IN THE CAFE!!!

(Everyone is shocked by the skunks.)

Gloria: EVERYONE, JUST STAY CALM!

Cricket: (barges in; stagey) Oh my gosh, skunks? Luckily, a hero is here!

Gloria: Cricket?!

Cricket: (hops onto a table, then does a pose) Wah-cha! (to the skunks) BEGONE, STINKY BOYS!

(The skunks just stand there, staring.)

Cricket: Uh...I said, BEGONE, STINKY BOYS!

(Again they don't; they snarl at him.)

Yellow man: I can't go out like this! I GOT KIDS! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!! (flees)

Cricket: W-w-wait, mister, don't go!

(He tries to pull the door open but it does not.)

Yellow man: Hah...huh? (reads "PUSH" on the handle) Ah...

(Snarling is heard; one of the skunks has its back turned to stink.)

Yellow man: Huh?

(He gets sprayed; he shouts and is sent flying out the door. The others are terrified.)

Gloria: OH MY GOSH!!!!!

Cricket: Oh, biscuits. (yanked by Gloria under the counter)

Gloria: Ugh. This is a disaster... Cricket, keep an eye on the customers. (gestures to her phone) I'm gonna call animal control.

(She leaves.)

Cricket: Animal control? No! I'm supposed to be the hero! I gotta get this plan back on track.

Behind counter

(The cafe is ravaged by the skunks.)

Gloria: That's right, officer. All the exits are barricaded. Okay, thank you. Animal control is on their way. We just gotta wait it out.

Cricket (OS): That won't be necessary!

(He steps in; he has made "protective gear" out of a trashcan lid, some slip signs, and four cups for his limbs.)

Cricket: Who needs animal control when you've got Cricket Green, Skunk Hunter, M.D.?

Gloria: Cricket, what are you doing? You're just gonna get them riled up.

Cricket: That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Gloria: (facepalming) Cricket, no. Just wait for the --

Turquoise woman (OS): Wow.

Green man: You really think you can save us?

Cyan girl: That would make you, like, a hero!

(The three customers chant...)

Customers: Hero! Hero! Hero!... (continued under Cricket's dialogue)

Cricket: Heh. Thank you for your support, citizens.

Big Coffee interior

(He jumps down to the skunks' level, they notice.)

Cricket: Alright, you three. Your reign of terror has gone on long enough! (the customers and Gloria watch him) Take cover, everyone. This could get messy.

(The others do so. A beat, and...)

Cricket: Guys, what the heck are you doing?! Animal control's gonna be here any second!! So let's stick to the plan, (the skunks growl at him) and we'll split the muffins, like we agreed.

(The skunk tries to take a bite out of the plan.)

Cricket: (shrieks) You know, I'm starting to think you can't actually understand me. (The skunks growl) Alright, I guess I'm gonna have to be a hero for real!

(He produces two sticks, and charges in! However, we hear sounds of tearing, and Cricket's protective gear being tossed aside, and a shrieking Cricket himself being thrown to the wall. The skunks approach him, and Cricket gasps...)

Cricket: W-wait! Don't do this!! (produces a 2 for 1 coupon) I have a family! (realizes...) Oh, wait, this is a coupon for corn dogs.

(The angry skunks now turn around, ready to stink. Cricket shouts in fear as he scales the counter, just as the stink hits it.)

Behind counter

(Cricket slips and falls.)

Cricket: (clearing throat) So, good news and bad news... Bad news, the skunks are still there.

Cyan girl: Uh, what's the good news?

Cricket: (produces the coupon) Found a coupon!

(The customers boo him instead, the turquoise woman rips the coupon.)

Gloria: See? I told you, you'd only make it worse.

Cricket: Okay, the results might not be as good as I promised, but I've got a new plan! A better plan! We... Escape!

(More booing.)

Turquoise woman: Remember what happened to the last guy that tried to escape?

(Whip-pan to the doors.)

Yellow man: (now in tears) They won't let me on the bus! (crying)

Cricket (OS): Oh, no, no. (back to him) We go... (shows a vent) Through the vents!

Gloria: What? Cricket, there's no way we'll fit in there.

Cricket: Sure you can! (opens vent, climbs inside) Just gotta shimmy. Like this.

(He shimmies, the plan paper falls off his back pocket. Gloria picks it up...)

Gloria: Huh?

(Cricket has made it into the vents.)

Cricket: See? It's easy!

Gloria (OS): CRICKET?!

(This catches Cricket's attention.)

Gloria: YOU LET THE SKUNKS IN?!

(No way out.)

Cricket: Uh...

(He's now met by disapproving remarks from the customers.)

Cricket: No, wait! I can explain! I just wanted everyone to treat me like a hero!

Gloria: (crumpling the paper) Well, you can forget about it. You'll NEVER be a hero.

Cricket: Gloria, I --

(He is met by more flak; Gloria throws the paper, while one throws a cup at him. A stick is put on his cheeks...)

Green man: Boooooo!

(...held by the cyan girl.)

Cyan girl: Get outta here, you villain!

Turquoise woman: YOU STINK MORE THAN THE SKUNKS!

(Cricket shimmies away, sadly.)

Green man: Shimmy! Shimmy in shame!

Exterior

(Cricket plops down from the vent and lands on some trash bags.)

Cricket: Welp, no muffins for me. Bein' a hero is just isn't in my plot, I guess...

(He walks away. As he is about to cross the road, Mark tackles him before he a car - Animal Control - could.)

Mark: That's the second time today! You've gotta be more careful, kid.

Cricket: Thanks, Mark. You're my hero...

(Backdoors to the animal control car burst open; Keys is inside.)

Keys: Thanks! That was a close one. (now thinking) Hmm... If I'd hit you, would I have to arrest myself? Oh well. Guess we'll never know.

Mark: Officer, permission to ask a question.

Keys: Permission granted.

Mark: What is animal control doing here?

Keys: We got a report on some skunks holding people captive at Big Coffee. (shows two armed men) Lucky for them, I've brought an expert!

(Enter the skunk expert.)

Skunk Expert (Tilly): (takes off shades, clears throat) Surprise.

Cricket: Tilly?

Tilly: That's Skunk Expert Green to you, civillian. Now, let's see what we're dealin' with.

Interior

(The skunks are threatening the customers and Gloria.)

Tilly (OS): These skunks look extremely agitated. (a skunk catches its breath) The more upset they get, the more they fill up with stink. (cut to her) Pushed to their limit, they could turn to a bomb of stink! A stink bomb.

Exterior

Tilly: (now livid, to Keys) HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?! I'LL HAVE YOUR BADGE FOR THIS!!

Keys: Not Mr. Shine-Shine!!

(Mark places his hands on the door handles...)

Mark: I'm going in there!

(...but Tilly stops him before he could.)

Tilly (OS): No! You can't! (view of the doorbell) They can blow any second! Even the slightest sound can set them off... There's nothing we can do.

(Mark goes and punches a pole in grief.)

Mark: Those poor souls!

(He discreetly takes one off the "Volunteers Needed!" ad.)

Cricket: I don't get it, Mark. Why would you willfully put yourself in danger? You're already a hero! You can get all the free muffins you want!

Mark: Muffins? I don't do it for the hope of reward, I do it to help others.

Cricket: So, you're telling me, that for you, helping people is like... muffins? Hold on, I gotta think about this.

(He puts his fingers to his head, thinking.)

Mark: Are you...?

Tilly: He's fine. This is how he learns.

Cricket: ...HELPING PEOPLE (?) REWARD!!

Tilly: There it is.

(He marches off.)

Cricket: Outta the way, Mark. I gotta do something!

Mark: Good luck, little fella...

Interior

(The skunks approach the customers and Gloria. They are now assigned to their fates...)

Turquoise woman: If we make it out of this alive, I just want to say I'm sorry that I never tip you.

Gloria: It's okay. I'm sorry I always spit in your coffee.

(The turquoise woman is surprised. Then...)

Cricket (OS): Hey everyone! (he makes it out the vent) I'm gettin' you guys outta here!!

Gloria: Uh, no thanks.

Green man: We'd rather get stunk than get rescued by you.

(Cricket jumps down, and faces the skunks...)

Cricket: Well, too bad! (to the skunks) Hey, you skunks! Follow me!

(Tilly, Keys and Mark watches from the window.)

Tilly: He's making some bold moves in there. As long as he doesn't agitate them further, everything will be fine.

(He's indeed trying to agitate them further. The skunks now chase Cricket.)

Tilly: Evacuate the city.

(Cricket dodges all the stink, and pulls down a table to use as cover. The skunks approach his table and try to reach.)

Cricket: I have them distracted! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!

(The customers are in shock, then...)

Gloria: Go go go go go!

(The customers dash for the door. They exit, but as Gloria is about to reach it, she slips on some spilt coffee. The skunks notice the new diversion...)

Cricket: Wait, no! Come back! It's me you want!

Gloria: (as the skunks approach her) Wait... Stay back...

(Nope. They instead turn their backs towards her. As the skunks fire a wad of stink, Gloria is assigned to her fate...)

Cricket: GLORIA!! (jumps in front of her; slow-mo:) NOOOOOOO!

(...Cricket takes the shot for her, one landing in his mouth. He lands, and immediately tastes the stink.)

Cricket: GAAAAH!! IT GOT IN MY MOUTH!!! (retches) IT TASTES WORSE THAN IT SMELLS!

Gloria: Cricket!!

(Now the skunks are ready to blow...)

Tilly: Get out! THEY'RE GONNA BLOW!!!

(...but Cricket jumps and lands on them.)

Cricket: Gloria! You gotta get out of here!!

Gloria: Cricket... what are you doing??! Don't be a hero!

Cricket: (fate sealed) Heh. For the first time in my life, I know what being a hero actually means! You know I -- (Gloria has exited) Oh, she left.

(The skunks are ready to blow.)

Cricket: Alright. Maybe if I hold my breath, I can...

Exterior

(He is launched towards the door. Two other wads of stink cover the windows next to the door.)

Cricket: So... stinky...

(He slips off the door. Sometime later, a case with the skunks is padlocked.)

Tilly: These skunks are all gassed out. They won't be stinkin' up cafes any time soon.

(The skunks are put into the van.)

Tilly: I'll drive!

Keys: Ooh! I call shotgun.

(They leave behind the customers and Gloria, the customers treated by Mark, and a stinky Cricket some distance away from them. Gloria turns to Cricket.)

Gloria: Hey Cricket. So I talked to -- (smelling Cricket) Ooh. (backing away) Wow, you smell awful. So I talked to -- (retches) Okay. I'm just gonna power through this. I talked to the customers, and luckily, they're not gonna sue. But, they're still very, very angry.

Cricket: Ah, geez, I'm sorry, Gloria. I really messed up.

Gloria: What you did was stupid, but coming back for us? That was pretty heroic. So... (produces a muffin) Here you go.

(Cricket is amazed.)

Cricket: You really mean it? I've been waitin' since this mornin' for one of these! (He bites into it, then...) Hmm. Tastes like skunk.


ve — Episode Transcripts —
Season 1 1. Space Chicken/Steak Night • 2. Cricket Versus/Blue Tater • 3. Swimming Fool/Tilly's Goat • 4. Cricketsitter/Backflip Bill • 5. Gramma's License/Bear Trapped • 6. Photo Op/Remy Rescue • 7. Gridlocked/Mama Bird • 8. Welcome Home/Raccooned • 9. Fill Bill/Critterball Crisis • 10. Parade Day/DIY Guys • 11. Gargoyle Gals/Supermarket Scandal • 12. Barry Cuda/Suite Retreat • 13. Family Legacy/Paint Misbehavin' • 14. Rated Cricket/Homeshare Hoedown • 15. Cricket's Shoes/Feud Fight • 16. Breaking News/Cyberbullies • 17. Tilly Tour/Dinner Party • 18. Coffee Quest/Phoenix Rises • 19. Blood Moon • 20. Big Deal/Forbidden Feline • 21. Uncaged • 22. Harvest Dinner/Winner Winner • 23. Night Bill/Cheap Snake • 24. Hiya Henry/People Watching • 25. Valentine's Dance/Green Streets • 26. Hurty Tooth/Sleepover Sisters • 27. Trailer Trouble/Mansion Madness • 28. Park Pandemonium/Cricket's Biscuits • 29. Skunked/Axin' Saxon • 30. Cricket's Place/Volunteer Tilly
Season 2 31. Cricket's Kapowie/Car Trouble • 32. Urban Legend/Wishing Well • 33. Elevator Action/Bad Influencer• 34. Green Christmas • 35. Reckoning Ball/Clubbed • 36. Impopstar/Football Camp • 37. Heat Beaters/Bill-iever• 38. Shark Objects/Dream Weaver • 39. Level Up/Wild Side • 40. Garage Tales/Animal Farm • 41. Desserted/The Gifted • 42. Time Crisis/Gramma Driver • 43. Tilly Style/I, Farmbot • 44. Friend Con/Flimflammed • 45. Greens' Acres/Dolled Up • 46. Gabriella's Fella/Cheap Show • 47. Green Mirror/Cricket's Tickets • 48. Times Circle/Super Gramma! • 49. Present Tense/Hurt Bike • 50. Quiet Please/Chipwrecked
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Random Rings, Season 1 Cricket Calls a Karate SchoolCricket Calls a Party StoreCricket Calls a SpaCricket and Tilly Call a Piano TeacherCricket Calls a Grocery StoreTilly Calls a LibraryCricket Calls a Pawn ShopTilly Calls a HotelCricket Calls an AquariumCricket Calls a Pet StoreTilly and Cricket Call Raven Symoné!
Random Rings, Season 2 Telemarketer Calls the GreensGramma Calls an Electronics StoreDr. Doofenshmirtz Calls GrammaCricket and Tilly Call Dr. DoofenshmirtzTilly Calls the FutureCricket and Tilly Call Area 51Tilly Calls a Magician
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