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Transcript
Previous:
"Space Chicken"
"Steak Night" Next:
"Cricket Versus"

Big City, streets

(A plastic bag hanging off a tree branch shows us the title of the episode. It blows away and we then see The Greens (From L-R: Gramma Alice with her walking stick, Bill with two bags of groceries, Tilly with a green balloon, and Cricket leading the way)

Cricket: Oh boy, I can't wait for tonight. Our first family Steak Night in the Big City!

All: Whoo!

Bill: And even though the food's three times more expensive here, nothin's more important than family tradition. But seriously, I spent Cricket's college savings in there.

Cricket: I never planned on goin'. What's your favorite part of Steak Night, Tilly?

Tilly: Well Cricket, where do I start? I'd have to say... the steaks.

Gramma Alice: The steaks!

Bill: Uh, I'm gonna have to go with steaks.

Cricket: 'Cause it ain't Steak Night without the steaks! (Cricket takes out the steaks)

Bill: Wait, how'd you get those?

Cricket: Can I hold them? Can I, dad?

Bill: (doubtedly) Hmm... (he agrees) Well, all right. But be careful. Steaks are the heart of Steak Night.

Cricket: I'll care for 'em like my own precious meat babies. (He squeezes and kisses it)

Bill: (looking at his watch) Oh, wow, it's gettin' late. We gotta get home.

Cricket: Hey, Dad, look. Let's take the subway. That'll save us a bunch of time.

Bill: Good idea. Can't be that complicated, right?

Cricket and Tilly: (cheering) Yay! Subway! Subway! Subway!

Alice: Sub-won't! (Tilly's green ballon pops) That subway's no good! And full of hidden dangers. Nothin' good ever comes from being underground!

Big City subway, 5th Street station

Alice: The only way you're gonna get me down that slimy old crime hole is if you drag me kickin' and screamin'! (realizing Bill is holding her) Oh you did. (disappointed) Well, heck.

Bill: Aw, come on, Ma. The subway's not that bad. Look! The kids are into it.

Cricket: Dang! Would you look at this place? It's like a whole underground city, Tilly. Let's show these steaks around.

Tilly: I'll bet they'd love that.

(Cut to a woman carrying a snake on her shoulders)

Snake Woman: (talking on a phone) I told you to get the extra-large mice.

Cricket: (whispers) Careful, steaks. The people here can commune with reptiles.

(The snake then turns chomping Cricket's head)

Cricket: Aaaah!

Snake Woman: Oh. He likes you.

(Cut to a man using a drinking fountain)

Cricket: This traveler's storing water for a long, sad, lonely journey underground.

(Cut to another man sleeping on a bench)

Cricket: Don't worry. I'm ninety-percent sure he's just sleeping.

(The man suddenly screams, which scares Cricket and Tilly)

(Cut to beneath the bench)

Cricket: And this is where they harvest their stretchy candy. (stretches one out) Mmm-yeah.

Tilly: (giggles, before turning to a rat in front of her) Huh? Oh! Hello. (The rat turns his head around, squeaking) What's that? You want me to be your fearless leader? (They stare at each other) I graciously accept.

Bill: Kids! Come on, stay close! Now, let's see here. (looks at the map)

Cricket: But Dad, I'm lookin' around with Tilly and the steaks! (He hears hip hop music and turns to his right.) Ooh.

(Cut to a crowd watching a street dancer doing a breakdance. The crowd cheers.)

Man: Whoo! Wow!

Woman: Wicked!

Cricket: Oh, my gosh. An underground hoedown! My turn. (He gets on the dance floor; hums and does a bluegrass dance.)

(The crowd cheers.)

Street dancer: Hey, you're pretty good. But can you do... this? (He makes robot noises and does the Robot.)

Cricket: Oh. Mah. Gosh. He's a robot wearing the skin of a human! Stay back! I'll handle this menace!

Subway train

(Cut to the train; the Greens are entering.)

Bill: Cricket! Hurry! The train's here.

Cricket: But, Dad, he's a robot!

Bill: Cricket! Now!

Cricket (groans) Fine. (He walks backwards, facing the street dancer, making threatening gestures.) This isn't over...

(The train closes just as Cricket gets in.)

P.A. Next stop, Tenth Street Station.

Cricket: Tricky robot man, thinks he can pull one over-- Wait. (He notices the package of steaks sitting next to a bench near where the street dancer is dancing.) The steaks!

P.A.: This train is now departing.

(As the train leaves, Cricket holds onto the back window, looking back at the steaks in fear.)

Cricket: No!

(Cut to Tilly, Bill, and Gramma sitting on a bench on the train)

Bill: So, how do you want your steaks cooked tonight?

Tilly: I'd like mine extra-well done.

Alice: Rarer than rare! Like a diamond... of meat.

Bill: Sheesh, I'm so hungry, I might just eat mine raw! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!

Alice: (laughing)

Bill: I'll do it! Bring me my steak!

Tilly: Stop it, Papa.

(Cut to Cricket, who is traumatized over losing the steaks. His pupils are tiny, and there are thick lines around the whites of his eyes.)

Bill (OS): Hey, Cricket!

(Camera pans over to Tilly, Bill and Gramma.)

Bill: Whatcha up to, pal? Come over here!

(Cricket walks over to the other Greens, still having the same traumatized look on his face.)

Bill: Listen, just 'cause we live in the city now doesn't mean (he gathers Cricket, Tilly, and Gramma for a group hug) our old ways of doing things are goin' anywhere. Tonight's gonna be great.

(Cricket starts trembling)

Bill: Uh, Cricket, are you OK?

Cricket: (yelling) I LOST THE STEAKS!

Bill: What?

Cricket: It was only partially my fault, I swear! It was that darn robot man!

Bill: Oh, boy.

Tilly: Can we get more steaks, Papa?

Bill: Not unless we have another month's savings lying around.

Alice: Well, don't look at me. My money's tied up with the Feds.

Bill: What are we supposed to do now?

Cricket: Don't worry. I can get our steaks back.

Big City subway, 10th Street station

(The train stops at Tenth Street Station.)

Cricket: We just have to go back to the last station and grab 'em.

Bill: No, Cricket, we're not going back--

Cricket: (he's already exited the train onto the station) Too late! I'm already doing it!

Bill: (angrily) Cricket! (he, Tilly and Gramma head off the train to follow Cricket) (panicked) Hurry! Hurry! Before the doors close-- (they already do, and catch Bill's right arm still carrying a grocery bag) Ah! Don't worry about me, just go get Cricket!

Tilly: Aye-aye, Papa. (She turns to a group of rats, among them is the one she met earlier.) Linda, Alfred, you and the gang go get Cricket. Crazy Dave, you just do you. Roll out!

(The sewer rats do so, and stop at a pizza slice laying on the subway floor. They eat it.)

Tilly: Aww. Well, that is just too cute.

Cricket: (running and panting; he stops to look at a map) OK. Let's see. Fifth Street Station.

Conductor: Fifth Street Station! All aboard this train to Fifth Street Station! My job is to say that this train is going to Fifth Street Station!

Cricket: (gasps) Steaks, here I come!

(Cut to Bill, who is struggling to get his grocery bag out of the train door)

Bill: (grunting) Oh, come on! Aaah! (The grocery bag rips apart, and most of the groceries fall out) Our potater salad ingredients! Rest in peace.

Cricket (OS): Come on, Dad! Steaks are this way!

Bill: Cricket, come back here!

(Cut to Cricket struggling to find his way through a large crowd)

Cricket: Hurry, Dad! This way! Almost there!

Bill: (following Cricket while also struggling to find his way through the crowd) Oh, gosh. S-Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me! Trying to get to my son! Cricket, come back!

Cricket: (running upstairs; panting)

Bill: (following him; also panting, while sweating a little) Cricket! (he wipes away his sweat) Slow down, son! Daddy's heart!

Cricket: Dad, we're almost to the-- (He stops at an angry pink fluffy toy dog) Ah!

Angry Pink Dog: Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!

Bill: (grabs Cricket) Gotcha! We're goin' home!

Man (OS): Excuse me, sir.

(The man appears onscreen, revealing himself to be blue with orange hair, with a ponytail and goatee)

Blue Man: Do you have a moment to talk about the environment?

Cricket: Why, yes, he does. In fact, he's an organic farmer.

Bill: Hmm?

Blue Man: Oh, really? That's so cool!

Bill: Oh-- Yeah, I... guess so. But I don't like to think of it as organic farming as much as just... doing it the right way. (He notices Cricket left while he was talking) Huh? What? Wait-- Cricket!

Blue Man: OK. Question one. How often do you recycle?

Cricket: (sliding down the stair ramp) This way, Dad! I can almost taste those steaks!

Blue Man: OK, next question. Do you support voting rights... for trees?

Bill: Uh, sorry, can't talk now. Bye!

Blue Man: Wait! (He grabs onto Bill's leg) Don't you care about Mother Earth! (Gramma Alice whacks him on the head with her cane) Oh! (He lets go of Bill's leg)

Alice: Git yer tree-huggin' hands off my boy! (She shoos him away) Go on now, git!

(Bill and Alice run over to the staircase)

Cricket (OS): Dad, over here!

(Cut to Cricket, about to get on the next train)

Cricket: This train will take us back to the steaks!

Bill and Alice: Cricket!

Bill: (grabs Alice and runs after Cricket) This way, Tilly!

Tilly (OS): Coming, Papa!

(Tilly rides on the sewer rats)

Tilly: Whee!

Conductor: Last call for Fifth Street Station! This train is leaving very soon!

Cricket: All clear! No obstacles here!

(A couple of men in European clothing put down their Alpine Horns and play them. Another man appears at the bottom left hand corner of the screen, also dressed in European clothing)

Orange man in European clothing: Alpine Horn Battle!

Cricket: Steaks! Ah! (He jumps over the horns and makes it to the train, but not before the doors close, thus leaving him stuck between the doors.) Ha! Hurry!

Bill: (still running with Alice in his right arm) Argh! Argh!

Subway train

(Tilly, Bill, Gramma, and the rats all make it to the doors, opening them and releasing Cricket. They all make it safely on the train as the doors close.)

Bill: Uh! Oh. My head. (He notices his lettuce has been damaged through all the running) Oh, my head of lettuce!

Cricket: (putting his right hand on Tilly's right shoulder) Guys, we made it!

P.A.: Now departing Tenth Street Station.

Cricket: Next stop, steaks! Our family tradition is saved!

(A sudden electrical crackling is heard. The power goes out, and the train comes to a sudden halt.)

P.A.: Your attention, please. Due to a suspicious package left at Fifth Street Station, this train has been delayed... indefinitely.

Cricket: No, no! OK, Dad, new plan. We're just gonna--

Bill: (raising his left hand at Cricket) Cricket! No. Just-- (groans) You've done enough. And thanks to all that running around, we lost most of the groceries, too.

Alice: We'll have to eat sawdust. Like back in the trenches. (smacks her lips)

Bill: I guess we'll just have to wait this one out.

Cricket: (lays down, depressed about having ruined Steak Night) (sighs) (he puts his head and body down under the bench)

Tilly: (looks down noticing her brother feeling down)

Cricket: (chewing a stretchy candy from the underside of the bench) Hmm...

Tilly: What flavor stretchy candy ya got there?

Cricket: (sighs) Regret... And... raspberry swirl? (He takes the stretchy candy out of his mouth) Bleah. Oh, Tilly, I feel awful. I ruined Steak Night. I'll never be able to show my face around the house again. I'll have to move away and live in a shed of shame, a shame shed.

Tilly: It's true, that went very poorly, but the Cricket I know never gives up when it comes to family, which is why you have to go back for those steaks.

Cricket: We're trapped here. How can I possibly get out?

Tilly: Same way the rats get in. (She points to the emergency exit on the ceiling; one of the rats is going through it)

Cricket: (chuckles)

Bill: Well, steaks ain't happening tonight. But maybe I can make something out of what we've got left. (As Bill looks through his groceries, Tilly gives Cricket a boost to the emergency exit) Let's see, I've still got a radish, some coriander, couple of eggs, and-- a squirt gun? Cricket, I told you not to put this in the cart! (He notices Cricket has left) Cricket? Cricket! Tilly, you have got to stop enabling your brother.

Tilly: I know, and I'm sorry. Which is why I made you this apology necklace out of trash I found lying around.

Bill: Uh... Apology accepted. Now throw that thing away and give me a boost.

Tunnel leading to 5th Street station

(Cut to Cricket running through the tunnel to Fifth Street Station)

Cricket: Hang on, steaks, I'm comin'! (He stops at the "Station 5" sign and notices the package of steaks still sitting next to the bench) Whew! They're OK. (A robot comes near the steaks) What the heck? A robot?

(A couple members of Bomb Squad peek out from behind the wall. They are wearing protective suits and most of their faces are covered, except their eyes. They are controlling the robot.)

Female Bomb Squad member: Careful now. We don't know what's in that package. One wrong move and it could explode!

Male Bomb Squad member: Stop it! You're making me nervous.

(The robot comes closer to the package. It reaches out its claw hands, ready to grab it.)

Female Bomb Squad member (OS): Careful... OK... (Cut to the inside of a camera monitoring the robot, the screen is green; the robot gets closer) Easy...

(Cricket grabs the package just before the robot can)

Male Bomb Squad member: Whoa! Where'd it go? (Cut back to the camera's view) Let's see... (Cricket is seen running with the package)

Cricket: Ah! (hisses)

Female Bomb Squad member: That large rat took the bomb! Get him!

Male Bomb Squad member: I'm on it! (he pushes a button on the control, making the robot go after Cricket)

Bomb Squad Robot: Pursuing... pursuing...

(Cut back to Tilly, Bill, and Gramma Alice looking for Cricket)

Gramma Alice: Y'all keep your eyes peeled for gators. They're nature's thieves.

Bill: All right, Ma.

(The Greens all turn around to see Cricket running from the robot with the steaks still in hands)

Cricket: Aaah! Get away from me, robot!

Bomb Squad Robot: Pursuing, pursuing... Continuing to pursue...

Bill: What in the--

Tilly: Go, Cricket!

Cricket: I got the steaks! Come on, let's go-- (He bumps into a low-hanging sign, accidentally releasing the steaks, sending them flying in the air. The robot catches them.) (gasps) No!

Female Bomb Squad member: Nice catch.

Male Bomb Squad member: Thanks, Carol.

Female Bomb Squad member: (grabbing a phone from the right) Dispatch, this is Bomb Squad. The package is secure. Get those trains up and running!

(Cut to Cricket and the robot, about to engage in a battle. Spaghetti Western music is heard. The screen closes in on them.)

Cricket: Let's party. (His eyelids close in on his pupils, and the screen does the same with him. The robot makes the same expression as him, and the screen closes in on it.)

Cricket: (yelling; he charges at the robot. He reaches for the steaks, but the robot pulls them away) Dang robot dance moves! Ugh!

Bill: Cricket, get away from that thing!

Cricket: (grunting; he kicks the robot, trying to force it to release the steaks)

Bomb Squad Robot: (its eye turns red) Maximum threat detected. Preparing disposal. (It opens chest, revealing a "mouth" inside)

Cricket: Hey! You can't eat those. Ah! (He attacks the robot, and they both fall over and land on the train tracks)

(The Greens look in shock and gasp)

Cricket: (grunting) Let go! We need these to have our Steak Night!

Bill: Cricket, get off the tracks! It's dangerous!

(The train horn blows. The train is headed for the station as Cricket and the robot continue fighting for the steaks)

Gramma Alice: Bill, take my cane!

(As Cricket and the robot continue fighting, Bill grabs him by the overalls with Gramma's cane)

Bill: Son! Let go!

Cricket: And ruin our family tradition? Never! You said it yourself, steaks are the heart of Steak Night!

(The train comes closer)

Bill: No, that's wrong! Steak Night isn't about the steaks. It's about family! We can afford to buy more steaks. We can't afford to buy another Cricket!

Tilly: I've tried.

Cricket: I-- (sighs; he lets go of the package as Bill throws him back on the station) Wah!

Bomb Squad Robot: Bomb recovered. (Does a victory dance moving its arms up and down; the package still in claw hands) Vic-to-ry. Vic-to-ry. Vic-to...ry? (It turns around to notice the train headed right for it and about to crash it.)

(Sure enough, the Greens watch in horror as the train runs over the robot and the steaks with it.)

Male Bomb Squad member: Huh. I guess I pressed the victory button too soon. Oh, well. Dinner?

Female Bomb Squad member: Ooh, yeah!

Male Bomb Squad member: I'm kinda cravin' steaks for some reason.

Female Bomb Squad member: Me, too!

Big City subway, 5th Street station

(Cut to the Greens sitting on a bench, all sighing.)

Cricket: Sorry I got so worked up about a couple of silly steaks.

Bill: No need to apologize, Cricket. Family traditions are important, but never more important than family.

Cricket: Also, I fought a robot!

Bill: (laughing) Ha ha! Yeah! That was-- That was crazy. OK, now, how about we head home and order some takeout?

Tilly: That won't be necessary, Papa. (She picks up an old, stale slice of pizza) The subway has provided. Bottoms up, family. (She is about to eat it)

Cricket, Bill, and Gramma: Ah, Tilly, don't. Ah, no, no, no.

Bill: (takes away the stale slice of pizza) OK, that's it. We're taking the bus.

Tilly: Rats.

(End of transcript.)

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