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Transcript
Previous:
"Desserted"
"The Gifted" Next:
"Time Crisis"


Greens' House, Cricket and Tilly's bedroom

(Episode title appears as glue on a popsicle stick; Tilly adds more and sticks it onto something.)

Tilly: Just a couple more pieces oughta do it! Ahh. C'est magnifique.

(Tilly continues to work on the thing; Cricket comes in.)

Cricket: Hey, Tilly, have you seen my slingshot? (notices the thing) Whoa! Tilly, what the heck is that?!

Tilly: (hair dryer whirring) This, dear brother, is "Potato Papa!"

(The structure is made off popsicle sticks with two potatoes with buttons stuck to them as eyes.)

Tilly: It's my gift to Papa for Father's Day.

Cricket: Father's Day? Oh, dang, that's today? I totally forgot. (stretches) Well, guess it's time to whip up the ol' Cricket standard!

(Tilly is unimpressed.)

Tilly: Oh, Cricket, no. Please don't tell me‐‐

(Cricket gets into his hammock and takes out the things he'll use.)

Cricket: And now, with nothing but a pen and these gently used napkins... (Tilly rolls her eyes) ...in less than 15 seconds... (gets to work making them) ...I will have the perfect... Dad present.

(He's done.)

Cricket: Voila! Cricket Coupons!

(Paper reads "Cricket Cupon" with a simple drawing of his face in the middle. He walks to unimpressed Tilly with her arms folded.)

Cricket: Let's do the standard one free hug, 20% less whining for an hour, aaand... Aw, what the heck, Dad never cashes these in, so... I will paint the whole house.

Tilly: Cricket! Those coupons are not a real gift! While I'm normally not inclined to toot my own horn‐‐

(Cricket snickers at the mentioning of the word "toot".)

Tilly: ...I am an expert on givin' great gifts.

Earlier that day

(Flashback: Tilly gets to working on the Potato Papa. First, melting all the popsicles.)

Tilly (VO): A real gift shows someone how much they mean to you.

(Then she is in the room making the first bits of the Potato Papa.)

Tilly (VO): That's why every Tilly gift takes time and effort.

(The scene timelapses twice, and we're here in the here and now as Tilly finishes her build. Outside, Tilly grabs two potatoes without Bill knowing.)

Tilly (VO): And it's also why Papa always loves 'em!

Cricket and Tilly's room

Cricket: Aw, Tilly, Dad loves your gifts 'cause he loves every gift! Even the ones that take ten seconds to make!

Tilly: Well, there's no way you're gettin' away with that again this year. After all, you're not as young and adorable as you used to be.

Cricket: I beg to... (shines kawaii eyes and blush) differ! Tilly, trust me, you're workin' too hard. Dad's gonna react just the same way to my gift as he does to yours...

Bill: Oh, brother, you could not be more wrong.

(Beat.)

Cricket: Could you... wrap these up for me?

Living room

(Bill is watching TV; more specifically a documentary.)

Documentary narrator: After a long day of lying in the sun, the iguana finally decides to make its rest.

(On the TV a spider lowers.)

Documentary narrator: But what's this? Ah, it's a cute little spider!

Bill: (arachnophobia kicking in) Sp‐sp‐spp... spider!

(On the TV is a close-up. Yep, that's enough to instill arachnophobia.)

Documentary narrator: Oh! My goodness, it's quite upsetting up close.

Bill: Aah!! (panting) Okay, Bill, say the poem. One two three, spiders don't scare me. Four five farden, they're good for your garden.

(As he speaks, Gramma peeks in and slowly ducks out.)

Hallway

Gramma: Get ready for the best Father's Day ever, Billy Boy. 'Cause this year, your Ma's gettin' you...

Grocery store, interior

(Gramma is now inside a grocery store.)

Gramma: ...a card! Nothin' too fancy though...

Living room

(Cricket and Tilly present their gifts.)

Cricket and Tilly: Happy Father's Day!

Bill: (chuckles) Oh wow! No way! Ha ha! What?!

Cricket: You're welcome.

Tilly: This one's from me!

Bill: Aw, would ya look at that.

(He opens the gift; he gets the Potato Papa.)

Bill: Wow! It's, uh, me! (chuckles) I do make that face a lot! Tilly, I love it. Thank you.

(Tilly brightens up.)

Bill: That must mean this one's from Cricket.

Cricket: That's right! (eyes towards Tilly) Hope you like it.

Tilly: (thinking) Come on, Papa, see that gift for what it really is...

(Bill has opened the gift...)

Tilly: (thinking) ...a buncha dirty old napkins thoughtlessly covered in empty promises.

(Bill sifts through the coupons, then gets his disappointed face out...)

Tilly: (thinking) Here it comes.

Bill: Cricket, I... love them.

(This revelation surprises Cricket and gobsmacks Tilly.)

Bill: Thanks, you two! You kids are the best!

Cricket: Aw, you too, big guy. Also, this does count as your free hug.

Bill: You guys sit tight. I'm gonna find a good place to put these!

Cricket: Okay, Dad, buh‐bye! (to Tilly) Well, Tilly, let's hear it! That classic radio hit "You were right, Cricket."

(Tilly does not utter "You were right, Cricket", but is instead in ponderance.)

Cricket: What are you thinking about?

Tilly: (confident) I see what's going on here.

Cricket: Hm?

Tilly: Cricket, Papa was lyin' to you about liking your gift!

Cricket: Ha ha! What're you talking about? Dad is the most honest guy we know!

Tilly: No, Cricket. I know Papa is lying about liking those coupons. And I know how we can prove it...

Cricket: All right, sister, I'm in. Let's prove once and for all that Cricket is brilliant!

Tilly: Pssh! We shall see.

Cricket: We shall see!

Tilly: Yes, we shall. Cricket: We shaaaall.

(Gift wrapper transition to...)

Backyard

(Bill is busy with the farm, when...)

Cricket and Tilly (OS): Ahem!

Bill: Hmm?

(Another gift.)

Bill: Oh, hiya, kids! Is this for me?

Cricket and Tilly: Yes.

Bill: Huh. Fun!

(Bill unwraps the gift off-screen, Cricket looks to Tilly and vice-versa.)

Bill (OS): Well, mm‐hmm, beautifully wrapped, kids.

Bill: Oh! Uhh...

(It's...)

Tilly: It's a sweater.

Cricket: (harsher) It's a sweater.

Tilly: We... made it, Papa.

Cricket: Yeah, it's two kitchen towels, a pair of sweat bands and some striiiing.

(Bill sniffs the "sweater".)

Tilly: We did not wash the kitchen towels.

(Bill fits it on.)

Bill: Hm.

Tilly: And how do you feel about this gift?

Bill: Well... I love it! Thank you, kids.

(He kisses them then goes back to doing farm things. Tilly looks to Cricket, then grins; superior after all.)

Cricket: (pouting) Hm! (groaning)

Tilly: Tilly wins! I made Papa a terrible gift, and he lied about liking it, just like he lied about your Cricket Coupons. He was just being nice to you, brother.

Cricket:Mm, I dunno.

(He looks over to his side...)

Cricket: Dad's still wearing that thing. Heh, maybe you're just really good at makin' stuff for him!

Tilly: Hmm, you might be right. (sighs) Curse my natural talents! We need to step it up. I know a present that Papa could never love...

Cricket: (knowing the immorality of where this is going) Oh, no, not...

Tilly: Yes!

Cricket: We can't do that to Dad. He birthed us!!

Tilly: We have to, Cricket. I have to prove that I'm the greatest gift giver the Greens have ever seen!!!!!

Cricket: ...Okay.

Grocery store

(It turns out the grocery store Gramma has gone to is none other than Wholesome Foods; just lesser customers after the controversy that brewed over it. Gramma is having trouble looking for a gift; all the other cards strewn all over the floor..)

Gramma: I can't believe this! Blech!! (muttering)

(As she tries to find one, an employee, Greg and Rose peek out of the adjacent aisle. She finds one.)

Gramma: What's this one? Hmm... (the card design is fishing) "Happy Father's Day to a loving..." Blech! (throws the card away) Where are your cards that don't STINK??!?!??!!?!

(The employees let out frightened gasps and duck. She finds a card; it looks promising...)

Gramma: Ha! Okay. Good, good.

(When she opens the card, it plays a familiar tune, one which Gramma doesn't have fond memories of.)

Gramma: NOOOOO!!!!!!

(She rips the head off the card and stomps on it. Then she sifts on the shelf of cards; she pauses then takes one.)

Gramma: One potato, two potato, three potato... good enough!

Greg: Uh... ma'am? You have to pay for that. (coins thrown at his face) Oof!

Garage

(Gift wrapper transition to the garage. Inside, Bill is humming and working on an engine.)

Cricket and Tilly (OS): Ah‐ha‐hem!

(They have presented another present.)

Bill: Hi, kids! Another present?

Cricket and Tilly: Yes. / Yes.

(Tilly pushes the box towards him using her foot.)

Bill: You. Kids. Are... super. Three gifts? This truly is a Father's Day. Now let's see what this one is.

(One peek... and he lets out a blood curdling scream, enough to startle Melissa. Now Bill is covered in...)

Bill: (stuttering, arachnophobia kicking in again) Sp‐spi‐‐ Spid‐‐

Tilly: Spiders. You're deathly afraid of them, but isn't the opportunity to overcome your fears an excellent present?

(Bill wheezes; clearly deathly afraid.)

Tilly: What I'm really asking is: Papa, what do you think of this heartfelt gift from your lovin' children???

Bill: Thank you, I love it.

Tilly: Honest?

Bill: Yeah.

Tilly: Well, if you love them so much...

Bill: (whispering) I‐I‐I do.

Tilly: Then kiss one of them.

(A spider edges closer to his mouth; then the spider makes smooching sounds.)

Bill: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!!!!

Tilly: I knew it! Papa, you lie about bad presents!

(Bill shakes all the spiders off him.)

Bill: I don't know what to say, kids. You're right, I wasn't truthful. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

Tilly: Foggettaboutit! I knew everything. I just needed to prove it to my baby brother here.

Cricket: Yeah, that's why we've been givin' you all this weird stuff...

Tilly: Yeah, it was a test.

Bill: A test? Ha ha, wow, you two banana nuts! That explains it! These terrible gifts! The spiders....

Tilly: Mm‐hmm.

Bill: This sweater...

Tilly: Mm‐hmm.

Bill: That weird popsicle stick thingy.

Tilly: Mm‐h‐‐ (realizes what he said) "Weird... popsicle stick thingy"?

Bill: Wuh? (gasps) Hmm!

Bill: You guys got me good! I mean, look at this guy! (chuckles) Weird.

Tilly: (dizzy moaning) Yes... weird...

Bill: Well, this has been a really fun and interesting Father's Day. C'mere you!

(Tilly goes in for a hug; then Cricket.)

Tilly: (woozy muttering) I'm tired, so I am going to bed...

Bill: Okay, sleep tight!

Cricket: Ha! She's a good kid.

(Cut to black.)

Cricket and Tilly's room

(Tilly, hair shriveled, shoe missing and dress colored black, lies on the floor.)

Cricket:

♪ Cricket is smarter than Tilly, oh! ♪
♪ Cricket is smarter than Tilly! ♪
♪ Da‐da ba‐da ba‐da ba‐da ♪
♪ Oh, Cricket was right about Dad! ♪

(He sees Tilly.)

Cricket: Oh!! Tilly, what happened to you?

Tilly: (sits up) Oh, hi, Cricket, yeah, I'm in mourning. In mourning for Tilly.

Cricket: Did you color your dress with a black marker?

Tilly: Cricket, you've been right all along.

Cricket: ...Nice.

Tilly: It doesn't matter how much I try. I'm the worst gift giver in the world!! (covers eyes in sadness) I'm awful...

Cricket: (uncomfortable) Oh. Uh, no. Heyyy... Hey, come on now... kiddo?

Tilly: (blushing in sadness) And Papa's been lying to me for years about it!

(Show each gift as she says them, in flashback.)

Tilly (VO): The turkey jerky necktie, the jug mug, the boot vase, the boot vahze, the jellybean frog, the corncob readin' glasses...

(Back to present.)

Tilly: And every time, every SINGLE TIME, it's...

Flashback Bill as Tilly (VO): "I love it." "I love it." "I love it."

(Present.)

Tilly: Lies! All lies! And all the terrible gifts I've ever made are still out there. (gasps; realizes something) Cricket, this cannot stand! I must right this wrong!!!

(She leaves a floored Cricket behind.)

Cricket: Sounds like she's gonna be juust fine!

Greens' house, various

(Tilly sneaks around the kitchen; the jellybean frog is perched on top of a shelf. She rolls over and gets it.)

Tilly: Tilly theft.

(In the living room, Bill is watching another documentary. As he watches, Tilly grabs the Jug Mug.)

Narrator: There's not enough gazelle to go around, but like any good family, the hyenas have learned to share.

(Bill shudders.)

Kitchen

(Gramma returns home.)

Gramma: Made it! Go Gramma. Guess I should see which card I grabbed...

(The card reads...)

"With deepest sympathy.
So sorry for your loss."

(Clearly made for someone who has lost a significant figure in their life.)

Gramma: Eh. I can work with that.

(She scribbles it; Tilly is hiding in the clothes basket and nabs the nearby corncob reading glasses. Then the boot vases and the turkey jerky necktie.)

Bill's room

(She then enters Bill's room and spots the Potato Papa, which she then grabs.)

Living room

Bill: Now, that is how you build a dam.

(Gramma enters.)

Gramma: QUIT TALKIN' TO YOURSELF!!! Here's the thing.

(She gives Bill the card.)

Bill (OS): Hm. Huh! That's certainly me!

(He opens it.)

Bill (OS): Oh, very abstract!

"Dear son, you're a good Dad.
I'm proud of you."

Bill: Aw, Ma, you're the sweetest! Come here!

(He pulls her in for a hug; crunch!)

Bill: Oh, no! Did I hug too hard?!

Gramma: Don't insult me, boy. This body is cut! I believe the disturbance came from outside.

Bill: Hmm.

Backyard

(Bill opens the backdoor to see...)

Bill: (gasps) Tilly! (jellybean frog is crushed)What the heck are you doing?!!

Tilly: I'm sorry, Papa. I should have done this a while ago.

(Jug Mug smashed.)

Tilly: But sadly... (puts Potato Papa up) I was oblivious to the crumminess of my gifts...

(She holds the hammer up...)

Bill: Wait, wait, wait, waaiit!!!

(He slides and saves the Potato Papa before it is crushed.)

Bill: Wai -- (instead he is hit) Oof!

Tilly: (gasp) Sorry about that!

Bill: (recovering) Oof. Ahh... Heh heh, barely felt it! (groans) Sweetie, your gifts aren't crummy. I really do like your presents. I don't always understand 'em, but I do like 'em.

Tilly: But why should I try to make something special if you like 'em just the same as Cricket Coupons?

Bill: Gift giving isn't a competition. (pulls up the Potato Papa) We give gifts so we can share a bit of ourselves. For you, that means sharing something thoughtful, sweet, and original. (Tilly brightens up) Because that's who you are. Also, I like that your gifts often have an excellent use of craft materials!--

(Tilly hugs him.)

Bill: Mmm... Can you keep making me Tilly gifts? Please?

Tilly: Okay.

Bill: Yes! You know, all this talk of Cricket's Coupons reminded me: (takes out a stash of them) I've been holding onto these for years. What's say we cash some in?

Tilly: Papa, I would love nothing more.

(The two laugh; Cricket is watching from the window, not liking the sound of this.)

Cricket: ...Uh‐oh.


ve — Episode Transcripts —
Season 1 1. Space Chicken/Steak Night • 2. Cricket Versus/Blue Tater • 3. Swimming Fool/Tilly's Goat • 4. Cricketsitter/Backflip Bill • 5. Gramma's License/Bear Trapped • 6. Photo Op/Remy Rescue • 7. Gridlocked/Mama Bird • 8. Welcome Home/Raccooned • 9. Fill Bill/Critterball Crisis • 10. Parade Day/DIY Guys • 11. Gargoyle Gals/Supermarket Scandal • 12. Barry Cuda/Suite Retreat • 13. Family Legacy/Paint Misbehavin' • 14. Rated Cricket/Homeshare Hoedown • 15. Cricket's Shoes/Feud Fight • 16. Breaking News/Cyberbullies • 17. Tilly Tour/Dinner Party • 18. Coffee Quest/Phoenix Rises • 19. Blood Moon • 20. Big Deal/Forbidden Feline • 21. Uncaged • 22. Harvest Dinner/Winner Winner • 23. Night Bill/Cheap Snake • 24. Hiya Henry/People Watching • 25. Valentine's Dance/Green Streets • 26. Hurty Tooth/Sleepover Sisters • 27. Trailer Trouble/Mansion Madness • 28. Park Pandemonium/Cricket's Biscuits • 29. Skunked/Axin' Saxon • 30. Cricket's Place/Volunteer Tilly
Season 2 31. Cricket's Kapowie/Car Trouble • 32. Urban Legend/Wishing Well • 33. Elevator Action/Bad Influencer• 34. Green Christmas • 35. Reckoning Ball/Clubbed • 36. Impopstar/Football Camp • 37. Heat Beaters/Bill-iever• 38. Shark Objects/Dream Weaver • 39. Level Up/Wild Side • 40. Garage Tales/Animal Farm • 41. Desserted/The Gifted • 42. Time Crisis/Gramma Driver • 43. Tilly Style/I, Farmbot • 44. Friend Con/Flimflammed • 45. Greens' Acres/Dolled Up • 46. Gabriella's Fella/Cheap Show • 47. Green Mirror/Cricket's Tickets • 48. Times Circle/Super Gramma! • 49. Present Tense/Hurt Bike • 50. Quiet Please/Chipwrecked
Country Kids in the City Hog RideTea PartyThe Last DonutDuck SandwichBee TreeSecret CatTilly's Cats
Random Rings, Season 1 Cricket Calls a Karate SchoolCricket Calls a Party StoreCricket Calls a SpaCricket and Tilly Call a Piano TeacherCricket Calls a Grocery StoreTilly Calls a LibraryCricket Calls a Pawn ShopTilly Calls a HotelCricket Calls an AquariumCricket Calls a Pet StoreTilly and Cricket Call Raven Symoné!
Random Rings, Season 2 Telemarketer Calls the GreensGramma Calls an Electronics StoreDr. Doofenshmirtz Calls GrammaCricket and Tilly Call Dr. DoofenshmirtzTilly Calls the FutureCricket and Tilly Call Area 51Tilly Calls a Magician
Miss Tilly's Fun Time TV Minute Meg DonnellyTrevor TordjmanAriel MartinSiena AgudongShelby SimmonsThe Houghton BrothersIsrael JohnsonIzabela RoseMax the Goat
Misc. Big City Greens: Road Trip
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