| Previous: "Car Trouble" |
"Urban Legend" | Next: "Wishing Well" |
Sidewalk/Greens' house[]
(Episode title appears on a flying newspaper; it is rainy, two baseball boys walk the sidewalk.)
Purple boy: I can't believe they cancelled our game because of the rain.
Green boy: Yeah.
Purple boy: I mean, the bat's made of wood!
Green boy: Yeah.
Purple boy: And the ball's made outta wood!
Green boy: Yeah. W-wait, I don't think it is.
(They stop as the purple boy gasps; ahead is the Green house.)
Purple boy: Is that the swamp witch's lair?
(Lightning flashes.)
Green boy: Sure is.
Purple boy: Uh...we'd better keep moving before she -- (drops the ball) Ahh!!
(It rolls down the path to the porch.)
Green boy: Oh no, our ball!
(It stops under the front step.)
Green boy: Crrrrruuuuuud...!!!
Purple boy: I guess you gotta go get it, now.
Green boy: Me?! You dropped it!
Purple boy: Fine! We'll both go!
Green boy: Fine!
(The green boy steps onto the lawn, shuddering; the purple boy also shudders as they approach the house.)
Purple boy: Y'know, I heard the swamp witch is actually the undead!
(From behind a curtain, Gramma watches.)
Green boy: Shhhh!!!
Purple boy: Do ya see it?
Green boy: Quiet! You'll wake the witch!
(The door opens, they gasp; from the darkness, Alice watches with glowing eyes and visible teeth.)
Gramma: No (comes into the full light) TRESSPASSIN!
(This frightens them; the purple boy screams.)
Green boy: SWAMP WITCH!!
(They flee the house in fright; Gramma chuckles to herself before the lights turn on.)
Bill: (from inside) Ma, what are you doin'?
Gramma: Can't an old woman laugh in the rain once in a while?
Kitchen/Dining room, next day[]
(The following day; a soaked rooster crows atop the chicken coop and fluffs itself. Inside, Bill fries an egg.)
Bill: Hey Ma? About last night with those kids?
Gramma: I wouldn't know what you're referrin' to.
(She plays with the ball the boys left behind.)
Cricket: Ha-ha! Plausible deniability, Gramma. You're wily.
(Gramma winks; Tilly stands up from her seat.)
Tilly: Hey, can I try eatin' a dozen eggs?
Nancy: (reading a newspaper) Sure, Tilly.
Bill: No, Tilly. We're not goin' through this again. (to Gramma) Ma, I'm serious. Why'd you scare those kids like that?
Gramma: Listen, son. When y'all aren't lookin', I SCARE THE DAYLIGHT OUTTA CITY FOLK! I'm a rattlin' snake! I'm an open bear trap! I'm the swamp witch of Big City!
Exterior[]
(A jogger comes up the sidewalk.)
Gramma: (from inside) AND I EAT HUMAN BONES!
Jogger: Nope! (runs back the other way)
Kitchen/Dining room[]
Cricket: (wide-eyed) Holy toot!
Bill: Wait -- is that why the neighbors don't come around?!! Oh, we gotta fix this!!! Mmm...uh... (smiles) I GOT IT! What if we throw a barbecue? We'll invite the whole neighborhood and show 'em we're a nice family!
Nancy: Grill up some of that Green family charm! Whaddya think, Til?
Tilly: Oh, yeah, whatever you all think is best. (hides a carton of eggs behind her)
Cricket: Hoo-hoo, boy! A barbecue! Sounds great --
Gramma: Swamp witch says no!
Bill: Ma, I don't get it! What's the worse that can happen?
Gramma: What can happen?
(She imagines herself answering the door for a white figure.)
Gramma (VO): Random folks will start gettin' friendly. "Hello! I am a neighbor! And because you are in no way threatenin', I thought I'd pop in!"
(Gramma gasps and faints; fantasy ends, she shudders.)
Bill: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
Gramma: You may like people hangin' around, but I don't! It's just who I am, and I ain't compromisin'!
Bill: Too bad, we're doin' it! How about you, Cricket? You love to barbecue!
(Cricket is suddenly confused; he steps to between the rooms.)
Cricket: Hmm...interesting. Which path will Cricket choose? On one hand, I do like makin' new friends and eatin' hot dogs... (Bill gives a thumbs-up) But scarin' folks is pretty funny...
Gramma: BOO!
Cricket: Heh-heh...yeah, I'm with Gramma! (goes back to her)
Gramma: Heh-heh-heh! Good boy. Now let us recede. (snickers as she and Cricket back away)
Bill: Well, I'm excited for some new friends and hot dogs. You're still with us, right, Tilly?
(Tilly has already used the frying pan to fry a dozen eggs.)
Bill: Aww, come on...
Tilly: Sorry, Papa, but I'm goin' for it. (slides the eggs onto her plate)
Front yard[]
(Everyone prepares for the barbecue. Nancy lays out a tablecloth across a picnic table. Tilly gives Herbert and a chicken a banjo and drum. Bill puts some burgers on the grill; he chuckles as he wears his apron reading "Look who's cookin'" with a hand pointing up at him.)
Bill: I'm breakin' out the funny apron!
Nancy: It's important that we seem friendly, Bill, more than funny.
Bill: Right you are, ex-wife!
Nancy: Okay, also, don't call me that.
Bill: Now, let's get this barbecue started! (at a mailwoman) Hey there, neighbor! Come have a burger on us!
Mailwoman: (backs away) No way. I hear there's a swamp witch livin' here.
Bill: (to a woman in an apartment window) There's no swamp witch here! Just some nacho chips and fresh guac!
(She closes her shade; Gabriella's friends show up.)
Blue girl: Come on, let's go!
Bill: Hey there! Feel free to help yourselves! (They leave) No one's gonna eat ya!
(From the window, Gramma watches.)
Gramma: Ha! It's too late, Billy boy. The damage has been done.
(More people join.)
Bill: Now look, all this talk of witches is nonsense. We're just a regular family!
Red husband: Well, what about her?
(Gramma is in the window; she makes a scary face.)
Nancy: Hey, I get it! Alice can be scary. But she isn't a witch, she's more of a nice, regular old lady.
Tilly: Gramma's like a pinecone. Spiky on the outside, and equally spiky on the inside, but she sure is neat.
Bill: What we're tryin' to say is, no one here is a witch. So...who wants a burger? (presents one)
(After a beat, the visitors are happy to agree.)
Living room[]
(Gramma is not amused.)
Gramma: Ugh, great.
Cricket: Gramma, we've been waitin' all afternoon! When are we gonna start scarin' people?
Gramma: Just as soon as I -- (hears the door open) Huh?
(The visitors come inside.)
Purple man: Hi! Don't mind us, we're just looking for the silverware!
Gramma: Oh, now you've done it! Get back outside, you worms!
Purple man: What a cute living room!
Blue woman: Your home is lovely!
(The red husband gives Gramma's raised fist a bump.)
Gramma: Huh?!
Blue woman: Rustic! Into it!
Purple man: This is a really nice fish.
Red husband: (peeks out of kitchen) You don't refrigerate your ketchup?
(Gramma shudders; the blue woman opens the silverware drawer.)
Blue woman: Oh! Found it! (walks back to the door with the others) Thanks so mutch, you guys are super-duper nice!
Red husband: We'll have to pop in more often!
Gramma: W...what?!
Red husband: Pop in!
Gramma: No!!!
Red husband: (slow-mo) POP IN.
Gramma: Did you hear that?! They want to POP IN! (grabs Cricket) Get ready, Cricket, this swamp witch is goin' to a barbecue!
Front yard[]
(The barbecue is going on without any trouble.)
Bill: Here we go...the moment of truth. Oh yeah, there she is. The perfect criss-cross. Everyone's gonna love this. (clears throat; holds up a burger) Hey, uh...who wants a burger --
(Gramma's cackling catches them off-guard; she stands on the porch wearing a makeshift robe held together by a twig.)
Gramma: You absolute fools! I am the swamp witch! (takes out a pill reminder) And I have a spell for every day of the week! Y'all have the brass to trespass into my lair?
Red husband: Oh, we were...invited?
Gramma: Then you have been invited into an open grave!
Bill: (Steps in front) Hey! Hey! Uh, hey! Over here. That's just my mom, she's bein' funny.
Gramma: No I'm not! You! You're cursed! Imp! I summon thee!
Cricket: (peeks down from the inside roof, hair and skin matted and wearing a towel over his crotch) Yes, Gramma! I mean, dark one! (climbs down; flops) Whoa...oof!
Gramma: Imp! Curse that nerd!
Cricket: Yes, dark one.
(He throws a slip of paper at the dark one. He throws it at the red husband, who hits him in the head.)
Red husband: Ow! Hmm?
(He uncrumbles the paper to reveal a message saying...)
Red husband: "You're curs'd!" Uh...
Bill: I-I'll take care of that! Hang in there! One sec... (rewrites it; hands it back) Here!
(Now it reads...)
Red husband: "No, you're not cursed! Have a burg' on me. -- Bill." Y-y-you're Bill, right?
Gramma: FOOL! You're still cursed! (to Cricket) Now, boy.
(Cricket uses a hammer to break a bag of flour, releasing it all over her to mimic smoke.)
Gramma: You're all cursed! (cackles; coughs) Where's that dang door?!?
Cricket: I got it.
(Everyone is confused; once the smoke clears, Gramma and Cricket have disappeared.)
Blue woman: She disappeared!
Pink wife: Holy smokes.
Red husband: Where did they go!?
Purple man: She is a swamp witch!
Bill: They're really buyin' it? (frantically runs onto the porch) Uh...uh, hey! How about some refreshments to cool everyone down? Uh, we got sun tea, store cola, lemonade...
(From the chicken coop, Gramma cackles as Cricket pushes a barrel of dirty water toward her.)
Gramma: Refreshments, you say? How about some... devil's brew?
Nancy: Devil's brew? Really?
Gramma: THE BREW OF THE DEVIL! Now imp, I demand you to drink of the brew to demonstrate its power!
Cricket: As you wish, dark one.
(He scoops some up in a paper cup.)
Tilly: No, Cricket, that's barrel water.
(He sticks his tongue in the water; he drops the ground and begins to choke and gag.)
Pink wife: (gasps) Little boy! Are you all right?!
(He begins to cluck, scaring her; now he acts like a chicken and limps behind the barrel. He then slides out a chicken in a loincloth to take his place, to make it seem like he transformed into a chicken. The visitors are shocked.)
Purple man: She turned him into a chicken!
Gramma: He is beast now!
(The girls scream; the blue girl faints.)
Tilly: (shaking her head) Y'don't drink barrel water.
Purple man: Please, turn him back! We beg of you!
Gramma: As you wish, mortal. Imp, I release you!
(Cricket pokes out some chicken feed.)
Cricket: Psst! C'mon!
(The chicken is lured behind; he takes its place.)
Cricket: (play-acting) I was animal in both body and mind, and it was misery! (winks)
(Gramma flops down another bag of flour and cackles as it explodes; she coughs again.)
Nancy: Seriously, Alice?
Blue woman: Okay...that's enough of this. I'm gonna leave.
Pink wife: And I'm gonna call somebody.
Purple man: Yeah, good idea.
(All the visitors start to leave; Bill blocks them.)
Bill: No! Y-y-you can't leave! I swear, my ma's just bein' weird. Please, just stay for a lemonade.
Blue woman: Well...
(What appears to be Gramma soars right past them into the sky; she cackles.)
Bill: Ma?!
Blue woman: She is a witch!
Gramma: I AM A WITCH!
Bill: What the heck?!
(From the roof, she and Cricket cackle; Cricket is holding a kite string to make it appear Gramma is flying.)
Gramma: (into a radio) If y'all ever come back, I'll turn your guts into spiders! (the kite detaches) Uh-oh.
Purple man: Now what is she doing?!
Gramma: Dang it, those are my spare glasses!
(The kite hits the telephone wires and explodes upon contact; the visitors are relieved.)
Purple man: All right! She's dead!
Blue woman: Yes!
Red husband: All right!
Gramma: Plan B, boy. HEY! I AIN'T DEAD! SWAMP WITCH CAN'T DIE!
(The visitors scream and flee the house.)
Bill: Wait! It was a kite! She -- (sighs in defeat) Ma, how could you!?!
Gramma: I could 'cause I can! And trust me: They'll think twice before they come back here again!
Big City Express Hardware[]
Red husband: (from inside) We've thought about it.
(Inside, he lays torches and pitchforks on the counter.)
Red husband: And we'd like to buy these pitchforks and torches, please.
Green's house, front yard[]
(Now it is nightfall; the Greens are packing up their equipment.)
Tilly: (to the animal band) Y'all were really great. Here's something for your troubles. (hands them a dollar; Herbert eats it) Whoa!!
(The sound of angry clamoring fades up.)
Tilly: Huh? What is that noise?
Nancy: Yeah, what is that?
Bill: Hmm... hey, the neighbors are coming back! They must've changed their --
(They are charging toward them with the torches and pitchforks they got; he is taken aback.)
Bill: Oh my gosh, that's a mob.
Gramma: Uh-oh.
Bill: OH, THIS ISN'T GOOD!!
(They charge onto the lawn.)
Red husband: DESTROY THE WITCH AND HER MONSTROUS FAMILY!
Rest of visitors: YEAH!
(The green girl tips over the table, spilling the water and nachos.)
Red husband: Stay back, you beast! (shines the torch at Nancy) Back! Back!
Bill: EVERYONE INSIDE!
(The girls throw tomatoes at Cricket.)
Cricket: Whoa...uh...ack! Agh!! Oof. (falls and screams) Oof.
Blue woman: (at Herbert) Take this!
(A frightened Tilly quickly hides on the porch.)
Visitors: NO MORE WITCHES! NO MORE WITCHES! NO MORE WITCHES!
(Everyone goes inside but Bill.)
Bill: Wait! You've got it all wrong!
Gramma: Bill, they ain't gonna listen to reason! Come on!
(The red husband throws a tomato in his face; he gets in and shuts the door.)
Living room[]
Bill: They think we're monsters!
Gramma: (removing her robe) Hoo-whee! An angry mob! I did not expect that -- I've never gotten them this stirred up before!
Nancy: Okay, so what's the plan?
Gramma: Ah, give 'em a little time. They'll cool down, and then we'll never have another neighbor bother us again.
(Tilly watches, fearful.)
Bill: (sits down sadly) Right. They'll stop bein' angry and go back to bein' afraid. Can't even have a neighborhood barbecue.
Gramma: Why're you all sad? Things'll go back to normal! (to Cricket) Well, what about you, boy? I thought you were on my side!
Cricket: (puts his clothes back on) I...didn't think it would get this bad, Gramma. Somethin' about them threatening our lives makes it a lot less funny.
(This hits Gramma hard with realization and guilt.)
Gramma: Huh?
(One look at her depressed family, and she sighs.)
Porch[]
Visitors: NO MORE WITCHES! NO MORE --
(Gramma comes out; they relent.)
Pink wife: The dark one herself!
Red husband: EVERYONE GET HER!
Cricket: Gramma, what're you -- (sees the mob and screams)
(They charge for her; she puts her hand out.)
Gramma: HALT!! People that live near us, I have something to show you! Something I've kept hidden from you all these years! (picks up Cricket and hugs him)
Cricket: Uh...I don't really follow, Gramma. What're you --
(She gives him a big kiss on the cheek, followed by several more.)
Cricket: Ugh...AGH!! GRAMMA NO!! UGH!! NOT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE!! WHY!? (shudders)
(The expressions of the visitors begin to soften.)
Gramma: C'mere, you little sugar booger!
(She keeps kissing him.)
Cricket: OH GOSH! AGH!!
Gramma: (stops kissing) I'm not a witch, I'm a regular gramma!
Bill: (comes out) Ma, what are you doin'?!
(The rest of the Greens come out.)
Tilly: Please, Gramma! You're too young to die! (rephrasing) Oh, uh...actually...
Gramma: Shut your yaps, all of ya! Y'all looked like a bunch of sad losers in there, and...I realized I can't just think of myself anymore. I've gotta compromise and do what's best or all of you. And sometimes Nancy.
Nancy: Hey, I'll take it.
Gramma: I wanna make things right with the neighbors, so y'all can feel like part of the community or whatever. (hugs Tilly)
Bill: Aww, Ma, that's really nice of ya.
(Everyone hugs.)
Gramma: Yeah, well, I care about ya.
Visitors: Awwwww...
(All the visitors are touched.)
Purple man: You're a regular gramma!
Green girl: You're just like my gramma!
Blue girl: Can we play sometime, old lady?
Gramma: (shudders; to the family) See what I do for you all?
Cricket: Hey, what do you say we get back to havin' a barbecue!?!
(They reset the table and Bill gets to cooking.)
Pink wife: Hey, nice criss-cross.
(The girls doodle on Gramma's face and giggle.)
Red husband: Oh! Can I try some of that barrel water?
Tilly: You don't... drink... barrel water!
(The burnt kite flies past and cackles.)