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"Winner Winner" | Next: "Night Bill" |
Big City Community Center, entrance[]
(Episode title appears on a winner's plaque; the Greens enter.)
Bill: Our new community center membership should do us all some good. (to the kids) If anyone asks, you're both under six.
Cricket: Goo-goo, ga-ga!
Tilly: Call me Baby Tilly.
Gramma: Smells like socks. I want nuthin' to do with this place.
Bill: Now Ma, the reason you're here is to get'cha movin'! You're as stiff as a board!
Gramma: You bite your tongue! I'm as limber as a wet noodle. (She reaches her arms out, joints pop)
Bill: (unamused) What are ya doin'?
Gramma: (straining) I'm touchin'... my toes!
Cricket: Oh come on Gramma, this place is great! They got all sorts of neat stuff! (dribbles two basketballs, one in each hand) There's these things...
(Tilly stands in front of a full trophy display case.)
Tilly: Oooh, trophies.
Cricket: (stands before a water fountain) This thing... (drinks/gargles water from fountain loudly.)
Tilly: (still in front of the trophies, admiring) And these trophies...
(Cricket walks into the men's locker room, spotting shirtless men with towels around their waists.)
Cricket: This place... (stops; laughs nervously)
Bill: Sorry! Sorry, fellas! Sorry for the intrusion! (to Cricket) Get outta here!
(He walks Cricket back to the entrance, Gramma stil straining..)
Bill: (sigh) Son, listen. I'm takin' your Gramma to somethin' called a "Boomba Class". I need you and your sister to behave.
(Tilly is not listening and still staring at the trophies.)
Bill: Uh... Tilly?
Cricket: I'm gonna go EXPLOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEE!!!! (runs away)
Bill: Cricket!! Ugh... (to Tilly) Just be good, okay sweetie? (picks Gramma up and walks away with her under his arm.)
Tilly: Okay, Papa! (close-up of the trophies) Each one of these trophies is a story of triumph.
(Close-up of a trophy with a statue of a jogger on top, which smiles and gives a thumbs up in hallucination.)
Tilly: Contests of mind, body, and spirit!
(Cut to a trophy with a statue of a football player on top, it also smiles and waves.)
Tilly: Tempered through the flame of competition...
(Cut to three identical trophies with statues of men doing karate on top, they also smile.)
Tilly: And immortalized in plastic painted to look gold.
(Tilly exhales on the glass before one of the trophy plaques to fog it up and writes her name on it.)
Tilly: What I would give to have one for myself...
(A loud whistle blows offscreen, getting her attention; a nearby door is cracked open enough to see inside. Inside is a female blue-skinned brunette coach going full drill sergeant to someone.)
Coach: ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! GATHER 'ROUND!
Activities room[]
(The coach stands before three kids.)
Coach: I, Community Sue, director of the community center, award you, Mitchell... (she presents...) This FIRST PLACE TROPHY!
(The trophy shines in close-up; Tilly gasps.)
Coach (Sue): And that concludes our badminton tournament!
(The three kids run away laughing, as Mitchell holds his trophy above his head.)
Tilly (OS): Excuse me?
(Sue looks over to see Tilly next to her.)
Tilly: How do I get one of those fancy trophies?
Sue: (stammering) Wait, wait, wait...You don't just get a trophy! You've got to win a trophy!! (shows pictures from her past) Like I did in '95, '96, and '98! Don't ask about '97...
Tilly: I see. Do you think you could teach me how to be a winner?
Sue: That depends. (throws the pictures over her shoulder) You'll have to fight for your trophy -- are you willing to get 'chur hands dirty?
Tilly: Oh. I don't know, ma’am. These hands are for helpin'. And also this. (does a finger wiggle)
Sue: Good enough! Let’s get started!
Gymnasium[]
Cricket: All right, Community Center, let's see what kind of wonders you hold.
(He looks behind the bleachers; it is very dirty.)
Cricket: Behind the bleachers is a strange underworld of candy bar wrappers.
(He pokes his head out of a fort made of exercise mats.)
Cricket: Fascinatin' discoveries lie around every corner.
(Back in the middle of the court...)
Cricket: So much to take in... (turns around) Huh?
(He spots a door too high off the ground for any person to open without help, with no staircase or ladder up.)
Cricket: What the heck is a door doin' way up there?! (smiles) My greatest discovery...
(Kiki, Benny, and Remy are sitting on the bleachers, looking bored.)
Kiki: So bored...!
Cricket: (pops out from under bleachers) Hey, guys! Why are y'all just sittin' around?
Remy: (groans) This place has nothing to do. Hmm...
Cricket: What are you, crazy? Have you not seen that mysterious door up there?! (points to the door)
Kiki: Oh, what about it? That's been there forever.
Cricket: And you've never wondered what's inside?!
Remy: I guess I never thought about it before.
Cricket: Exactly! I mean, what's the only possible reason someone would put a door way up there?
Benny: To confuse ghosts?
Cricket: Or, to hide something good! It could be anything...
(He imagines two thieves in a room full of gold treasure.)
Cricket (VO): Maybe it's a secret bank robbers' hideout!
(They are replaced with a horse whose eyes have red swirls in them.)
Cricket (VO): Or a horse that can read minds!
(It is replaced with a giant ham sandwich.)
Cricket (VO): Or it could be the world's largest ham sandwich! Who knows?
(Fantasy ends.)
Cricket: Just think -- Anything could be behind that door, anything!
Remy: I-it could be filled with... ice cream!
Kiki: Video games!
Benny: An army of skeleton men!
Cricket: Exactly! Mystery and adventure can be fun anywhere if you look hard enough! That's why today, we're gonna find out what's behind that door!
Kiki, Remy, Benny: (cheering) Yay! Yeah! Mystery door!
Boomba class room[]
(Bill is holding Gramma under one arm.)
Bill: Well, Ma, this is it! (puts her down) Now let's go get your back straightened out!
(He opens the door to reveal a group of people dancing in sync to wild music.)
Gramma: What in the dang world?!!!
(Juan Pablo is coaching the class.)
Juan: Increíble! Nice work, everybody! I can see everybody really loosening up over here.
Gramma: No thank you!
Bill: Come on, Ma. Give it a shot!
(A speaker is booming very loudly.)
Gramma: WHAT DID YOU SAY, BOY?! I CAN'T HEAR A DANG THING OVER THIS AWFUL MUSIC!
(Bill is now dancing next to Juan onstage.)
Juan: He said to give it a shot!
Bill: I feel more limber already! Woo-hoo!
Gramma: (arms crossed) I'm as limber as I wanna be!
(She strains to close her eyes; they pop back open.)
Gramma: Ow! Ooh! Gonna feel that in the mornin'.
Activities room[]
(Tilly is on the ground doing a sit-up.)
Sue: Okay, Tilly Green! Give me fifteen of your best sit-ups!
(As Tilly does her sit-ups, she spots a caterpillar on her knee.)
Tilly: Hello... Mister... Caterpillar...
Sue: TILLY!
Tilly: (whispers to caterpillar) Come back later, I'll show you my trophy.
Sue: Tilly, you have to take this seriously if you want that trophy. Your mind has to be sharp, focused! Your body must be poised with killer instinct at all times!
Tilly: (chuckles; not listening) Mr. Caterpillar, you're too close to my face!
Sue: We're gonna have to kick this up a notch!
(She holds up a boombox and presses play; Tilly straps on a sweatband and proceeds to do various challenges or tasks. She sits in lotus position with a basketball on her head. Sue tickles her cheek with a feather, which makes her giggle and the basketball falls right off. Tilly falls over and giggles as Sue shakes her head slowly.)
(Sue starts doing some jump roping; Tilly ties hers into the shape of a butterfly while Sue gives another headshake and writes it down.)
(Tilly begins struggling to do a single push-up as Sue shouts loudly at her. She flops down, Sue yells again, and Tilly sits up. Staring out the door at the trophies on the wall, she becomes determined.)
(Ripping off the sleeves of her dress, Tilly jump ropes perfectly, as Sue writes it down and nods. She sits still with the basketball on her head again, Sue tickles her, and she resists; nod. Tilly successfully completes her push-up, Sue is astonished, and she raises her arms in triumph.)
Tilly: I did it! (pants) Thank you, Community Sue! I'm gonna dedicate my trophy to you!
Sue: Oh-ho-ho...no no no no. That was only the beginning. You've still gotta compete for your trophy!!
Tilly: Huh?
Fighting arena[]
(Snap to Tilly in a fighting ring wearing an appropriate helmet and suit; a bell rings.)
Tilly: What's goin' on?!
Sue: Boxing was how I became a winner, and now it's your turn! DONOWITZ! GET IN THE RING!
(The opponent, Donowitz, stands; she is much larger than Tilly, she growls and pounds her fists together.)
Tilly: Gulp...!
Gymnasium[]
(Cricket struggles to reach the door.)
Cricket: Almost there... Just a little closer...
(Pans down to reveal Remy, Kiki, Benny and Cricket are stacked on top of each other so that Cricket can reach the mysterious door; they struggle to hold the weight.)
Remy: (grunting) Why did you guys make me the base?!
Cricket: (reaching) Hang in there... I almost got it...
Remy: (panicking) My muscles... are... protesting!!
Cricket: Whoa...whoa!
(The tower falls to the ground; they moan tiredly in pain and/or exhaustion. Kiki looks up and gasps; Cricket has made it, pulling himself onto the platform before the door.)
Cricket: I made it! (looks down and gasps)
(On the ground, Remy is about to pass out; Benny and Kiki sit next to him.)
Remy: Did we do it...? Did he make it...?
Kiki: Don't talk! You have to conserve your energy!
Benny: (looking at Remy's knee) That's a bad scuff. We may need to amputate.
Cricket: R-Remy, you hold on! I'm comin' back down!
Remy: Don't you dare! We have to know... You have to go inside that room! (coughs) Go! For all of us...
Cricket: Your sacrifice will not be in vain! Whatever amazing things lie behind this door are gonna be worth it! I promise.
(The others gasp; he turns the knob.)
Cricket: Alright door, time to unlock your mysteries!
Mysterious room[]
(The door swings wide open.)
Cricket: AH-CHA!
(Camera cuts behind to reveal...a regular, ordinary room that's almost empty except for a few gym supplies, with nothing amazing in particular.)
Cricket: There's... nothing? Oh no, this can't be right! Where's all the cool stuff?!
Remy (OS): Cricket! What do you see?! What's in there?!
Kiki (OS): Ooh, it's gonna be so good!!!
(Cricket starts to panic.)
Boomba class room[]
Juan: Come on, everybody! (flexing his buttocks) Scoot them glutes!
Bill: (suddenly stern) Ma, I'm concerned. Ya gotta get active!
Gramma: I don't have to do anything!
Bill: (sounding a bit smug) Oh, I see. That's okay, Ma. I get it. You don't know how to dance.
Gramma: BULLHONKING! How do you think I lost my leg?! (takes off her prosthetic leg and shoves it in his face) Dates off of the century right there!
Bill: Wha?...Ma!!
Gramma: Grr...!! (replaces leg) I'LL SHOW YOU. (knocks away a student) Outta my way!!
(She struggles to flex herself.)
Gramma: BRING IT ON.
Fighting arena[]
(Tilly is dodging Donowitz's attacks.)
Tilly: Whatever you're upset about, I-I'm sure we can talk it over!
Sue: TILLY!!! DON'T RUN, FIIIGHT!!
(Donowitz closes in on her.)
Tilly: This is a big misunderstandin'! I do not wish to hit you...!! (she gets punched; flops down) Oof...
(The bell rings.)
Sue: Listen up, Tilly! If you don't throw a punch, not only will you not win a trophy, but Donowitz over there is gonna tenderize you like a Thanksgiving ham! (sets her up)
Tilly: But...I'm not the violent type!
Sue: Well, maybe it's time you changed who you are, Tilly! (Zoom in on a frightened Tilly) Maybe it's time you got your hands dirty! Now get in there, PUNCH! AND WIN YOURSELF A TROPHY!
(The bell rings; Tilly nervously steps forward.)
Boomba class room[]
(As each student does a dance move, Gramma struggles to replicate them while groaning and feeling cracks in her muscles. She soon loosens up.)
Gramma: Ah...ha! You call this dancin'? KICK IT UP A NOTCH!
Juan: You got it! I never argue with the elderly!
(He turns the boombox up to "muy caliente"; Gramma begins showing her moves perfectly. Juan is brought to tears; he applauds her.)
Juan: Wow...W-O-W...Wow.
Gramma: (finishes her dancing and poses) I told ya I could dance!
Bill: (smiles, folds arms) And I told you I'd get'cha limber.
(Gramma realizes she was deceived.)
Gramma: Wha...? IT WAS A TRICK!?! HA! (swats her purse at him)
Bill: Gah!
Gramma: (kisses him demurely) Thanks, son. You know just how to play me.
Mysterious room[]
Cricket: Oh, man! How am I gonna tell 'em it's just a dumb old empty room?! I don't wanna crush their dreams!
Remy (OS): CRICKET! COME ON, BUDDY!
Gymnasium[]
(A mat has been set up for Cricket to jump down on; Remy is now holding a crutch.)
Kiki: Cricket! We've got you a mat, jump down!
(Cricket falls and lands on the mat.)
Cricket: Ahhhh!!! Oof.
Remy, Kiki, Benny: Cricket!
(They gather before him intently.)
Kiki: Well? What was up there?
Remy: How amazing was it?
(A beat; Cricket stands, prepared to tell the awful truth.)
Cricket: Uh...well... (looks at their smiling faces) Oh, boy. Um...behind the door was...nothing.
(They frown.)
Kiki: Nothing?
(They slump sadly.)
Cricket: Well...nuthin', besides... (smiling) The most amazing stuff EVER!
(He imagines everything from before.)
Cricket (VO): I'm talkin' ice cream! Psychic horses! Uh...an entire crab circus! A-and riches beyond your wildest dreams!
(Fantasy ends; they cheer.)
Kiki, Benny: Yay!
Remy: Whoo-whoo! Whoo! Yay! Can we go up there and see?
Cricket: No can do, Remy. A magical wizard locked it up!
Remy: A wizard?! (chuckles) Wow! This place has it all!
Kiki: Come on! Let's go explore behind the bleachers!
(They leave and giggle.)
Benny (OS): This place is full of wonders to discover!
(Cricket watches them, satisfied and slightly regretful for lying to them.)
Fighting arena[]
(Tilly is still dodging Donowitz's punches.)
Tilly: AAAGH! I can't fight her, Community Sue! These hands are for -- helpin'!
Sue: You need to help yourself, and punch her in the face!
Tilly: (looks at her gloves) Uh...I never thought I'd use these hands to inflict pain onto another! But if this is what it takes to win a trophy...fine.
(Donowitz still attacks; she backs up.)
Sue: PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!!!
Tilly: AAAAAAGH!!!
(She makes her move... which barely touches Donowitz.)
Donowitz: What...?
Tilly: (lowers her hand) No. I won't do it! (walks away)
Sue: OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?
(As Tilly speaks, Donowitz attacks behind; she avoids every blow.)
Tilly: I'm sorry, Community Susan! I did everything you asked me to do, because -- I wanted to be a -- winner! Like you! But if punchin' folks i -- is what it takes to win a trophy, then I'd rather not have one!
Sue: I'M DISAPPOINTED! BUT I RESPECT YOUR DECISION!
(Donowitz starts to wear out.)
Tilly: Y'know, in a way, maybe stickin' to my principles makes me a winner after all!
Sue: Meh, not in my book. Time to throw in the towel!
(She turns to leave; suddenly, Donowitz faints.)
Donowitz: Oof.
Sue: Wha-wha-what!?!?
Tilly: What...what happened?
Sue: (slides over) Oh, I'll tell you what happened! YOU WON!
Tilly: How?! I-I thought I could only win if I punched!
Sue: You were so good at dodging, that your opponent passed out from exhaustion!
Tilly: (surprised) So I won?! I'm a winner?! I made a win?!
Sue: Yes indeed, Tilly Green! (hands her a small trophy) Congratulations on winning a trophy!
Tilly: (gasps) It's beautiful!
Sue: YOU'RE A WINNER, TILLY! A WINNER!!!
Tilly: Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!
Kludge[]
(Bill is driving everyone home.)
Radio DJ: Lenny's Auto Sales, and we'll send you the...
Bill: (gasps in realization) TILLY!